Quit Leaving Your Dates in Limbo

Have you ever thrown a party and asked for RSVPs?

Yes, that’s a normal thing to do. You expect your guests to let you know if they can come, so you can plan accordingly. And if they’re unsure of their plans, it’s their job to commit and not leave their hosts hanging.

What happens if a guest never responds to invitations, or doesn’t give clear answers? Odds are, after a while, they’ll stop getting invited because the hosts will think, “What’s the point? They never really answer me, so they probably don’t care.” And often, the guest will think, “What happened? Why don’t I ever get invited anywhere? Doesn’t anyone like me?”

Surprisingly, this behavior is often dismissed if we tack on one little word: it's a “date,” not a party. With a romantic element, the RSVP etiquette seems to change.

However, dates are an invitation, which means you need to RSVP. It’s non-optional.

What counts as an RSVP to a date?

• Yes, I’d love to!
• That sounds great, what do you have in mind?
• I’m flattered, thank you, but I’m not interested.
• I am disinclined to acquiesce to your request. (Pirates of the Caribbean, anyone?)
• This weekend doesn’t work, but I’d love to go next weekend!

What doesn’t count as an RSVP to a date? 

• Oh that sounds fun, but I’m busy.
• I’m not sure.
• I just don’t know if I could marry you.
• I’m not sure I should date anyone right now.
• Maybe next time!

Despite their popularity, these “answers” are not RSVPs at all. They are simply a lack of commitment. This is usually because someone is: a) afraid to hurt someone’s feelings, b) unwilling to close that relationship door by giving a definite answer, or c) putting too much stock into a first date, like thinking "but, could I marry him/her?".

Unfortunately, that leaves the asker, a.k.a. host, unable to plan accordingly.

Why is that such a bad thing?

Inadvertently or not, when we don’t give a clear RSVP, the asker is left in limbo.

They’re not sure whether their crush is interested, if they did something wrong, or there’s someone else in the picture. It’s all too vague! So when they do meet someone who likes them back, they don’t know what to do. They might think they’re seeing mixed messages, or that they shouldn’t be straightforward because of what happened last time. You don't want to set someone up for this simply because you didn’t give them a solid answer to a first date.

This same vague non-commitment can happen during relationships and breakups, too.

Clarity can save so much heartache everywhere! The infamous “we’re just hanging out” status can derail one or both parties’ self-confidence. The same goes for halfhearted relationships where neither side is sure enough to break up. Silent ghosting can’t replace a simple “I’m sorry, this relationship is over.”

Just as when you’re trying to start a relationship, ending one also needs clarity and commitment. Nobody finds happiness in limbo.

So, how does one go about practicing good RSVP skills?

There are a few things everyone can do, regardless of whether or not you’re dating around.

1. Respond to any invitations you get, whether that’s a wedding, birthday party, or just a lunch break with a coworker. Try to commit to either a “yes” or a “no”, and stick to it. Practice commitment in other areas of your life, and it will bleed over into dating.

2. Express your preferences. If you’re shy, a people pleaser, or don’t want to hurt feelings, sometimes it’s hard to say where you’d like to go to lunch or what movie you’d rather see. But if you have a preference, state it out loud! It will help you to get used to saying “yes please” or “I’m not interested.”

3. Catch yourself thinking too far ahead. First dates are not to discern marriage: they are just to decide whether to go on a second date. Don’t get trapped by the question, “could I marry this person…?” You can’t know the answer until you get to know them through dating.

4. Know your personal pitfalls. Do you tend to use vague language when asking someone out? Do you fear hurting the other person so much that you can’t say no? Do you like the attention but not the person? Do you try to discern marriage too early? Once you know your tendencies and personality, it is MUCH easier to improve yourself and your dating game. Don’t be afraid to ask trusted friends or family for their input, either!

In the end, remember that in order to date well, sometimes doors have to close. Only then can other doors open for both of you! Be honest, and odds are, the other person will appreciate the answer. Be sure not to lead someone on, even if you think you’re sparing their feelings; similarly, make sure you say yes to the dates you want!

Be a good guest, and give a solid RSVP to your date invitations.