Don't Go After a Fling, Focus on Finding Your Spouse

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Maybe you've fallen for the trap like I have before.

On a rainy Friday night a few summers ago, I dodged puddles in a parking lot at the back of a big, beige building in Virginia. Under my umbrella, I followed the aroma of Italian cuisine to the restaurant's front door. There, a young man awaited me, ready for our first date.

We talked for so long I didn't realize the restaurant closed nor notice its staff cleaning up around us. By the time he walked me to my car, I knew we'd have a second date. And we did, plus many more. We met for Mass several Sunday mornings. We held hands, and kissed, and, when he traveled for work, we FaceTimed. A few weeks in, I knew what I wanted—to discern marriage in earnest. I thought he did, too.

So I was surprised by what he said in passing a month after our first date: "...it's still too soon to put a label on our relationship."

I didn't know then what I know now: that people who are eager to kiss you but are not eager to call you "girlfriend" or "boyfriend" are not interested in discerning marriage with you. When you date them anyway, you will not end up with a spouse. You'll end up with a fling.

Flings are fun at first but never last. Here are 4 signs that you're in one...

Flings are noncommittal. 

Few people in a solid marriage can look back with a spouse and say, "You were so lukewarm about me while we dated!" And nobody dreams of dating a future husband or wife whose role in your life is halfhearted. It's OK (and normal) to approach a new person with caution. But if you're in a relationship that could lead to marriage, your significant other should shift to "all-in" at some point.

People who are only accessible to you when being accessible is convenient aren't all-in. Neither are people who are more committed to keeping you at a distance than to going distances for you or with you. Marriage requires a person to choose you definitively, to sacrifice willingly, and to love you the way God loves us. People who don't do that while they date won't do that while they're married—and probably don't truly desire marriage anyway.

Flings are ambiguous.

No wife always makes perfect sense to her husband and no husband always makes perfect sense to his wife. We're all a little weird, as determined by our families of origin, our past experiences, and our personal preferences. But if you're in a relationship that could lead to marriage, at least one thing will make sense to you: your significant other's actions and words will align.

He will not be happy to kiss you and also hesitant to call you his girlfriend. She will not tell you you're important to her and also consistently dedicate more time to her hobbies than to your relationship. His intentions won't be a mystery to you, because it will be his joy to make them clear. Her love won't be a secret, because she will delight in expressing it to you.

Flings are aimless. 

No Catholic married couple tied the knot because, after haphazardly wandering side by side for a while, they happened to wind up at an altar. They got married because they decided to, because at some point, their decision to date served a specific purpose: to prayerfully discern whether it's a good idea to marry each other (and if so, then, to do it).

If you're in a relationship that could lead to marriage, it will serve that purpose, too. Your significant other probably shouldn't decide on day one whether he or she would like to marry you. But a person who desires marriage, in general, will happily take reasonable steps toward it, which starts by giving dating a goal: discernment.

Flings are aloof.

If God calls you to marriage, you are designed to marry a person who acknowledges that you are a beloved child of God. You are meant for a spouse who sees your God-given value, whose behavior communicates your value to you, and who responds appropriately to your value. So if what you seek is a spouse, ask yourself: Does this person do those things?

If it's a fling, partners do the minimum necessary to get access to you but then only access you inconsistently. They probably don't consider your preferences; your needs probably don't occur to them. They don't prioritize you; they squeeze you in. And they benefit from the time, energy, and affection you give without giving you as much of their own, if any.

But if you're in a relationship that could lead to marriage, you won't be the only one who's invested, available, and vulnerable. You'll both feel treasured.

And that's why I implore you: If what you desire is marriage, don't go after a fling. If you're already in one, end it. Instead of settling, focus on finding a spouse. Because while flings are noncommittal, ambiguous, aimless, and aloof, I promise you—your future spouse won't be. 

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