How to Tell If You're Ready to Be in a Relationship

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Are you ready to date?

It’s a question I think most of us face at some point, likely more than once (at least I know I have). I think most of us want to answer in the affirmative, so an honest response demands a good, hard, and humble look at ourselves.

As a counselor, I have had clients come to me and ask me that question point blank, while for others I realize after the fact that I made a subconscious decision regarding their readiness to be in a relationship or continue to remain in the one that they’re currently in.

What’s my basis for these subconscious decisions? What criteria should one use when taking an honest assessment of themselves? How does a person truly know if they are ready to date or not?

Before I answer those questions, let me make a quick disclaimer. The human is a complex and mysterious being. I don’t think anyone can claim to have all their ducks perfectly in a row all of the time. Life is messy, we hurt others and others hurt us, we deal with those wounds all while seeking God’s purpose for our lives. With that in mind, the criteria I’ve surmised has changed from what it used to be.

My answer is different now that what it has been in the past.

Years ago, I would ask the question, “have you dealt with it?” With ‘it’ being a great variety of things–past relationships, abuse, trauma, insecurities, loss, family issues…the list goes on and on.

However, to expect someone to have fully overcome those things to the point where they no longer affect you is basically impossible. Adversity, no matter the form, shapes and molds us into the people we are today and will continue to shape us into the people we’ll be in the future. Simultaneously, it’s true that because those things affect us to such a degree, they inevitably affect our relationships as well, particularly our most intimate ones.

So our ‘its,’ whatever they may be, definitely do need to be addressed, which changes my question to this: “Are you dealing with it?”

Let's focus on the present tense.

Dealing, in the present tense, implies that we’ve been made aware, have begun, perhaps have made some progress, and will continue to work on it in the future. Our past ‘its’ hold so much more power over us if we’re ignorant of or unwilling to acknowledge them. By “dealing with it,” we take ownership of ourselves and our own healing and growth.

Is it an ongoing process? Most definitely! But it sets us on a moving pathway in the right direction. Only by having begun to deal with it can one honestly answer if they’re reading to date or not.

Perhaps you’ve acknowledged how much a past relationship has hurt you but still can’t talk about it without bursting into tears or tensing up–that may indicate that you need to begin working on it before you’re ready to date.

Maybe you’re fully aware of how abuse in your past affects you and been actively coping with it for a few months, then it might be time to let someone else enter into that.

A good test to see how well you’re dealing or not dealing with something would be assessing your boundary style. Can I let another person in on this or am I over-bounded? Do I build up a wall and shut them out? Conversely, can I let someone in on this without dumping it on them and expecting them to carry it for me? Relationships demand vulnerability, but also personal ownership and responsibility.

“Dealing with it” is an active phrase.

It demands ongoing action, and based on you and your individual situation, could look like a variety of things. Counseling, confronting the issue, bringing it to prayer, developing healthy coping skills, sharing with a friend, generating an awareness of how this affects you in the day to day, developing a sense of self-worth, challenging shame, or changing behaviors that perpetuate it are a handful of examples.

Remember, you don’t have to be perfect, and ‘it’ doesn’t need to be fully in the past to let someone else in, but if you want to let them in and hopefully stay in, then there needs to be a sense of self-possession.

You are your own steward. Accept that. Begin dealing with the things that need to be dealt with, and I promise you that you’ll know if you’re ready or not (vs. just wanting to be in a relationship). And when you are, rather than being detrimental, adding in the support and love of an intimate relationship will only reciprocally aid in both you and your significant other’s flourishing.

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