Ladies, Here Are 10 Ways to Make Him Notice You
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Women are still terrified to send a man the first message online.
I get it. You know it’s not wrong, but it just feels. . . backward. You don’t want to take the pursuing role, but you also don’t want to go continually unnoticed online. Your traditional side says “date the old-fashioned way!” but then, there’s nothing old-fashioned about trying to meet people online. What’s a girl to do?!
First, calm down. There are no rules about how online dating must proceed. Because online messaging is NOT the same as actual dating, there’s a whole lot of gray area around pursuit, gender roles, and etiquette. So instead of freaking about about messaging first, let’s look at ten ways you as a woman can:
- Get noticed by more men online
- Initiate contact even without sending that first terrifying message
- And yes, how to actually message a guy first without seeming pushy or desperate
1. Click on men’s profiles so they see you looked at them.
A huge part of online dating is simply being active online. A great feature about CatholicMatch is people can see who viewed your profile, not just who messaged you. So as a woman, you can look at all kinds of people, and your profile will automatically pop in all of those men’s notifications. How easy is that?
2. “Like” some of their photos.
Another handy dandy technology feature is the like button on photos. If you really really want a guy to notice your profile but he hasn’t viewed you, simply like a couple of his photos. Doing this is like when you walk into a party and give a smile to that cute guy across the room: you didn’t walk up to him and introduce yourself, but you certainly made it clear conversation would be welcome.
3. Click “interested” in your Match suggestions.
This is an easy one to forget about because often, the Matched feature relies a lot on geography. Easy fix. If you want more Match suggestions, broaden your geographical scope on your preferences page. And then click “interested” on them. Anyone who clicks the same thing will automatically get a notification that you also clicked “interested.” This is comparable to attending singles events in local parishes. You are putting yourself in a position to be around eligible bachelors, and then see who else shows up.
4. Take member quizzes on profiles.
I saw quite a few fun quizzes on men’s profiles during my short time online dating. I rarely took them (I was a new member = flooded inbox) but I thought it was a clever tool to invite people to participate sans the pressure of a first message. So if you see a quiz, go ahead and take it! It’s fun, lighthearted, and gives the man a great topic to message you about afterward.
5. Send a fun emotigram!
Emotigrams are the all-time, lowest-pressure way to initiate contact. It takes all the stress out of messaging first, where we girls tend to wonder “do I look desperate? Is this too pushy?” This also stands out more than just viewing or liking a photo. Emotigrams are comparable to passing a handsome man at an event and saying “hi!” as you go by. You’re simply expressing you noticed him, and making sure he has the chance to notice you too.
6. Send out plenty of happy birthdays (or happy feast days, or happy holidays . . .).
Birthdays are especially easy for making contact. I mean, who would walk into a birthday celebration and NOT say best wishes to the man of the hour?! I think CatholicMatch even has a specific birthday emotigram you can send.
7. Message with a link to something else.
(Yes, we’re getting into actual messaging here. Don’t panic!) Messaging will seem a lot less “romantic pursuit” if you have a reason other than romance to contact someone. Simply link to a podcast, website, article, or video you think they’ll enjoy, and then tack on the simple note “You said you like this topic too; enjoy!” This is like attending a singles event and bringing a plate of cupcakes to pass around. You’re simply sharing the joy!
8. Make your message NOT about a romantic interest.
The easiest way to make online conversation less scary is to make it about something other than romance. “Hey, I have the same breed of dog!” or “I love Star Wars too—who’s your favorite character?” is a lot less intimidating than, “I think we should see if we have the potential for dating and marriage.” This approach is like browsing a library, seeing someone reading in your favorite section, and asking them what they’re reading there.
9. On your profile, state your expectations for moving offline.
It’s most womens’ worry that messaging first = always having to initiate the next step of a relationship. Being clear from the get-go fixes this problem. Simply put on your profile where and when you expect a man to take over pursuit. It could say “I might message you first, but after that, moving forward is up to you!” or even “I’m old fashioned—I expect a gentleman to ask for phone numbers and first dates.”
Bold and almost bossy? Yes. But I can’t think of a single man who wouldn’t appreciate this type of clarity. If they get a message from you, all they have to do is check out your profile, and they see exactly where you stand. They instantly will know the ball is in their court for the future. See how much confusion and tension this saves?!
10. Stop freaking out about who initiates the very first contact.
“Meet-cutes,” what you’re going to tell your grandchildren, and societal pressure of how-to-do-it-right really doesn’t matter. What’s right for you won’t be right for the next person, and God always works love stories in different ways. So just calm down about the whole thing. Online messaging is simply a way to put yourself out there and get noticed by like-minded gentlemen. It’s not a marriage proposal.
The key to all of this is to stop thinking of messaging as “what if this guy turns out to be my future husband?!” Online dating is really only a crowd mixer. It’s a great place to be to meet single Catholics. But if this were a parish dance instead of online dating, would you be looking at every guy as potential spouse material? I sure hope not.
So, start comparing online messaging to getting noticed and simply striking up conversation. Because really, online dating is only online—it doesn’t become real dating until you meet people in the real world.
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