Is It Time to Change Your Course?

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The word “divorce” comes from the Latin “divortium”, which means separation.

“Di” means apart and “vertere” means to turn to different ways. This is where we get the word “divert”, defined as: “to turn from one course to another.”

In general, most societies see divorce as a bad thing. The Catholic Church calls it “a grave offense” and “a plague on society.” This is all true. But we should always remember that those experiencing divorce are our brothers and sisters, and they are caught in a tragic situation. 

Consider this scenario:

If an oncoming vehicle veers into your lane and threatens to crash into you, threatening the life of you and your children, does it not make sense to “divert” your course? The best course is to whip the wheel and turn in another direction so you don’t smash yourself, your loved ones, and the other driver into oblivion. 

Is it not healthy to separate from bad things, be they an oncoming car, toxic people, or dangerous or wrong relationships?

God, and the Church, care that we are happy and healthy. Sometimes changing course is the lesser of two evils.

Was your marriage sacramentally valid in the eyes of the Church? If so, you are married and your marriage is indissoluble, as hard as that is to grasp. As Catholics, the only way to know if your marriage is not valid is to initiate the annulment process. Until then, you are considered validly married in the eyes of the Church. 

That does not mean, though, you have to play chicken with the oncoming vehicle. God and the Church are understanding and compassionate, recognizing that every human relationship is fraught, infused with potential and hope, but also marred by human weakness and sin. 

You may be in an unhealthy situation. You have sincerely sought help and tried to mend your marriage. But continuing on the same course you’ve been headed in is threatening the wellbeing of yourself and others.

In this case, the Church says it is permissible to change course. In fact, it may be the better path, the most loving and right thing to do. 

As Pope Francis said: “There are cases in which separation is inevitable… Sometimes it can become even morally necessary, precisely when it comes to subtracting the weaker spouse, or small children, from more serious injuries caused by arrogance and violence, by humiliation and exploitation... and by indifference.”

The ideal is always to try to reconcile a fractured relationship. But sometimes separation may be necessary. Sometimes a civil divorce is inevitable. If you are Catholic, you may find yourself needing to seek an annulment.

There are various reasons a sacramental marriage might not have taken place.

Among them: the spouses did not freely exchange their consent; they did not intend to marry for life, be faithful, or open to children; did not intend one another’s good; or their consent was not given in the presence of witnesses before an authorized Church official. Issues of emotional or mental inability to commit to a lifelong union can also be a factor. 

An annulment does not mean a relationship never existed, nor does it consider children from the marriage illegitimate. Your relationship may have been real, you genuinely loved one another, and your shared experiences were valid. 

According to usccb.org, the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops website: “A declaration of nullity does not deny that a relationship existed. It simply states that the relationship was missing something that the Church requires for a valid marriage.”

The troubles and failure of a marriage may be a sign that the marriage was never right from the start.

As heartbreaking as this is to consider (I went through it), it is better to face this possibility before further damage is done. 

If you are granted an annulment, it actually means a divorce never really took place because a sacramental marriage never existed. You may be civilly divorced in the eyes of the state. But you were never truly married in the eyes of the Church. In this case, “divorce” truly gets back to the root of its meaning. It is a “diversion,” a “turning from one course to another.” 

In such cases, the dissolution of a relationship, however painful, may be something hopeful and healing, redemptive and right. It won’t hurt any less. It may be heartbreaking. But it may be the first step to healing your broken heart and beginning a new life full of possibility and hope. That’s what happened for me when I received my annulment

We all despise the word “divorce” and rightly so.

But here is another word: “Khailaz.” It is a Proto-Germanic word that means "to make whole.”

It is the root of both “heal” and the closely related word “health.”

In John 5:6-9, When Jesus saw a man lying near a healing pool of water, hoping to be cured, Jesus asked him: “Do you want to be well?” The sick man answered him, “Sir, I have no one to put me into the pool when the water is stirred up; while I am on my way, someone else gets down there before me.” Jesus said to him, “Rise, take up your mat, and walk.” Immediately the man became well, took up his mat, and walked.

I believe Jesus asks the same question of us. “Do you want to be well?” Yes, we do. Our healing may not come instantly as it did for the sick man at the pool. But it can come. 

Only you know your particular situation and circumstance. Only you can make the decision of whether to try to reconcile, separate, or recognize that your marriage was never valid from the start. But like the sick man at the pool, Jesus waits for you to seek Him for healing.

Diversion is not always the wrong path. “Khailaz” (being made whole) is an option too.

Whatever your unique situation, turn it over to God and He will lead you on the right path. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, on your own intelligence do not rely; In all your ways be mindful of him, and he will make straight your paths” (Proverbs 3:5-6).

Is it time to change course? Jesus waits for you to take His hand. He will walk with you through the healing process, whatever form it takes. He wants you, your loved ones, and your estranged spouse to be well. As he says in Matthew 11:28: “Come to me, all you who labor and are burdened, and I will give you rest.”

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