How I Left An Abusive Relationship and Found Healing

My first marriage was troubled from the start. I knew there were problems. My parents had advised me not to marry him, but I naively thought that if I loved him enough, it would all work out.

During our prenuptial counseling with the deacon, I gave the answers I thought I was "supposed" to give, not honest answers which may have alerted the deacon to the real issues in our relationship. As the date of the wedding approached, I began to have second thoughts, but attributed that to the typical "cold feet."

And I worried that if I cancelled the wedding, my parents would have been upset about all the money that had already been spent. There was even a hurricane warning the afternoon of the wedding; my mother said that was an omen. But the sky cleared by the time of the wedding that evening.

When I met my groom at the altar, I immediately realized that he had been drinking, and his drinking continued after the ceremony throughout the 5-course reception. The next morning I woke up, looked at my then-husband, and thought, "What have I done?"

The issues started right away with his drug use and inability to hold down a job

We went on a brief honeymoon two days later, and upon returning, we both went back to work. Or, at least I did. I came home to find him high on cocaine, having been fired from his job, because he didn't show up. He said he didn't think he should have to go back to work so soon after the wedding.

When I was in the second year of professional school, I had a combination of classroom and clinicals that took up 40 hours per week, and I worked three part-time jobs. We needed the money. He only worked one job, because that was "all he could handle." That was in 1989 and life went on in pretty much the same vein for the 23 years of our marriage...

Over our 23 year marriage, the struggles waxed and waned, until they didn't...

As with most relationships, the struggles waxed and waned. There were some good times, and bad times, and increasingly more bad times. Over the course of our marriage, we had four beautiful daughters. Numerous times, I contemplated leaving, but would then become pregnant and fear being able to support myself and the children, especially with a newborn.

As the years went on, and responsibilities mounted, my then-husband's addictions worsened, and the marriage became increasingly strained. Still, I stayed, because I took the sacrament and vows seriously and didn't want to appear to have given up on marriage too easily. Eventually, as his diseases progressed, his verbal abuse worsened. And then he began to be physically abusive as well, and staying was no longer safe.

After one horrible night, I gave up trying to control everything, and handed it over to God.

The transformation in my life was immediate, and in three days I was able to accomplish what I had not been able to do in the past nine months: find a home for myself and the kids, daycare, and a protective order to keep us safe. One after another, angels, women who had been in the same position I was currently in, said to me, "I know what you are going through, let me help you with this."

Finally, I was able to gain perspective on the relationship and realize that he was not going to change. We had been through marriage and individual counseling several times, but unless the person with the issues is willing to address them, no amount of love will change them. I learned that I could only change myself, and then the rest was up to him.

I stayed in my marriage for far too long. I see that now. But I didn't want to be a statistic, I didn't want to be a quitter. I really didn't see divorce as an option.

But staying in an abusive marriage wasn't good for me or the children. And I think other women, and men too, need to know that sometimes divorce is the right thing to do. It took me 23 years of marriage, 27 years total of being with him, to realize that.

The annulment process not only brought closure, but understanding and peace.

 The annulment process was emotionally difficult to go through, but it gave me a clearer perspective of the issues in my first marriage and about myself. And from that I was able to start working on myself and rebuilding my life.

That was over five years ago. Through a lot of prayer and hard work I have been able to move on with my life.

Last time, I chose a spouse based on my own opinions and beliefs, without guidance from anyone, including God. But through prayers to Saint Raphael, and the assistance of CatholicMatch, I recently married the love of my life. And this time I married "the nice guy." Someone who loves me dearly, and tells me so every day. He loves my children as much as his own. He is truly my best friend, my partner, my soulmate. He is everything I've ever wanted in a husband, and a few things I didn't even think I needed. And amazingly, I am as perfect for him as he is for me.