Have you ever said what I said to myself after my last big breakup?
"I don't want to do this again."
Maybe you said it after a breakup, too—it's daunting to have to start over. Or maybe what you don't want to do again is take a risk. It's hard to ask her out when you don't know if she'll say yes. And it's hard to say yes when you're used to being disappointed by the people you date.
But what if we treat the new year as a clean slate? What if we agree to grow together—to do what it takes to discern and date better than before?
Yeah, we could pout about having to pick ourselves up and dust ourselves off. That's an option. But instead, we could just pick ourselves up and dust ourselves off and resolve to do these things:
1. Narrow your dating pool...
Why, when dating is already ridiculously difficult for believers in this culture, would I suggest reducing the size of the pool from which we pick people to date? Because quantity doesn't produce quality in this context. In my first few hours on a secular dating app, about 60 local men tried to match with me. But at least a tenth of them were men in open marriages or who were part of a couple they wanted to turn into a throuple. More than half demeaned women, degraded themselves, or referenced regular drug use in their bios. And if any of them were Catholic, I saw no evidence.
If you want to marry somebody who already adheres to the wildly specific countercultural tenets of our faith, you need to pick from a pool of people who already adhere to them. Yes, it's a tiny pool when you compare it to the pool most of us try to pick from, which is made up of literally everyone. But you find people who are actually good for you a lot faster in the right small pool than in a big indiscriminate one.
2. ...but widen your search parameters.
I went to college close to home, but lots of my friends moved away. And once, I asked one of them: "Why did you decide to look at schools so far from your family?" He said, "Because none of the schools close to home had what I wanted." He knew what he wanted to study and he'd have to pursue a degree at a school far from home in order to study it. So he did. If we want to meet people who'd really be good for us, we might have to do something similar.
You might have to make a monthly hour-long drive to the closest Catholic young adult group. Or you could visit a different parish within driving distance twice a month. And on CatholicMatch, instead of only browsing the women or men who live within 50 miles of your zip code, try 500 miles if you're really motivated to meet somebody (and if budgeting for airfare's an option for you). Or, hey, try 5,000 if you have a lot of PTO and a valid passport. These are all ways to make a small pool bigger.
3. Set some of your preferences aside.
I'll be the last person ever to tell you to settle. But I'll be the first person to tell you that having coffee with a bearded man when you really like cleanshaven faces is not the same as settling. Standards—such as "is Catholic, practices chastity, wants children, is conscientious and responsible"—are fundamental to a relationship's success. You should decide what they are and they should be non-negotiable. You and a person who meets your standards are on the same path. And you have to be on the same path for your relationship to thrive.
But preferences aren't standards. Whether it's wise to date each other will never depend on his facial hair. Or her grammar. Or his athleticism. Or her salary. Maybe you'd like to wind up with a guy who'll run marathons with you. But how can you know you won't mesh well with men who aren't runners if you always ignore the messages they send you on CatholicMatch?
Maybe you've dreamed of being your family's sole breadwinner so your hypothetical wife can stay home with the kids. But how do you know the woman whose profile says she's excited to spend her life in a certain career isn't actually who you're looking for if you've ruled her out without spending any time with her?
4. Send the dang message.
For months, I overlooked a guy who repeatedly popped up in my search results on CatholicMatch. He "wasn't my type." And then, he messaged me. Reluctantly, I replied. But the messages, phone calls, and date that followed were so much fun. We didn't wind up dating, but I learned that a person's profile picture isn't enough information. And sometimes, neither is a person's profile.
Instead of just looking at, lurking, and liking a profile, actually send a message. And don't just send a smiley face or a "hi." That's like saying "I want to talk to you, but I want you to start the conversation." Instead, make an effort. Give the girl or guy something to work with. Ask a question about an interest or hobby his or her profile mentions. And I get it—you may never hear from him or her. But I'd rather that be because he or she's inactive or not interested than because you decided not to try.
5. Go on a silent retreat.
How, you might ask, will you meet people to date at a retreat if you're not allowed to talk? You probably won't—but I'm not suggesting a silent retreat so you can get closer to people. I'm suggesting it so you can get closer to God. I arrived at my first silent retreat several hours late after a rush-hour crash shut down 95 and rerouted me through downtown Washington DC. So by the time I walked in, introductions had happened and we were already in total silence.
Walking in on Friday night knowing I couldn't talk until Sunday intimidated me a little. But it was exactly what I needed, and you might need it, too. Silent retreats create space for us to let God do work He can't do when apps and Netflix and profiles divide our attention. By eliminating distractions, we are freed to focus on Him, to seek Him first, and to receive whatever gifts He may want to give us—including the grace to start dating again, even if you didn't want to have to do it.
