How “Not My Type!” Is Holding You Back

What do these statements all have in common?

“Why do I always keep dating jerks?”

“I always want the girls out of my league.”

“He’s just not my type.”

“Types.” Maybe you’re brand new to dating, and you’ve made what you think is a good list to look for in a guy, but no dates are working out. Perhaps you’re a discouraged seasoned dater with a string of unfortunate relationships behind you. Or you keep changing dating pools, but you always seem to end up in the same kinds of relationships you are trying to escape. WHY?!

You might be relying too much on a “type.” And you might not even know it.

But never fear! Let’s break through to the next dating level and leave “types” behind once and for all!

Three Don’ts:

1. Don’t consider yourself to have a “type” in the first place. Sure, you might be attracted to a specific look in a lady, or you might find the guys approaching you all have similar personalities. But . . . this doesn’t tell you much about what you actually want or need in a partner. Has your dating history shown a “type,” but no relationships have led to the successful marriage you seek? This can point to a cognitive dissonance between your life goals and your romantic pursuits. This can be caused by anything from inexperience to immaturity to insecurity. The end result is all the same: sticking with a “type” that clearly isn’t working for you. Wipe your type-slate clean and prepare to start from scratch. You’ll have much better luck.

2. Don’t “type” other people’s profiles. You stack the online odds against yourself by judging profiles without talking to the person. I get it; it’s hard not to come into online dating without predetermined expectations. But you can hit pause on judging someone until you’ve at least exchanged a few messages, or preferably a phone call. Why? Simple. You cannot know who someone is based on what they wrote on a single dating site. If I had written off a specific profile as “player,” I would never have given the guy a chance—and we wouldn’t be married today. Also, dating with a predetermined “type” usually means a dater is thinking only about what he can get out of a situation instead of what he might be able to give.

3. Don’t confuse “type” with standards. Let’s compare this to looking at a restaurant menu. Having standards would be knowing you want to eat a sandwich with a tasty soup on the side, so you look at the menu to see what’s available. Maybe you choose the meatball and bisque combo this time, and next time you’ll try the veggie and cream option. “Type” means you want the exact same sandwich that you had at the last restaurant, but you expect said sandwich taste better and be different than the last one. See what I mean? Standards will dictate the boundaries of your dating pool, which leaves you plenty of room to date around and meet all sorts of people in that same pool. “Type” will dictate who you date in the first place, regardless of which pools you try out.

Three Do’s:  

1. Reach out to all sorts of people online! This will stack the odds in your favor instead of against you. There really is something to be said for playing the field online. If you think she’s out of your league, message her anyway. So his profile is boring, but you have no idea if he just doesn’t write well—respond anyway. You will increase your romantic potential, get lots of practice talking to people, and learn more about yourself based on how you react and feel about different people. Talk about self-growth!

2. Focus on what you bring to the table for the other person. “Typing” is all about judging what someone else has to offer, so the antidote is to focus on what YOU have to offer. As each conversation progresses, think about how you could give and complement the other person. Starting with reflecting on your own virtues, vices, and personality gives you something far more worthwhile than a “type:” you’ll get self-knowledge. Only when you know yourself will you be able to consider for whom YOU would be a good fit. When you look at profiles, exchange messages, and even go on first dates, try to first think about how your personality/virtues would be good for this person, and/or whether this relationship could better you both. That’s the only “type” that matters in the end.

3. Know when to retreat and regather yourself. No matter how hard you work to branch out and be different, sometimes you just find yourself in a rut. It feels like you’re repeating the same conversations over and over, and you’re just hitting dud after dud of dates. Often, this means you simply need a break to regroup! Burnout is a real thing, and the good news is, it’s almost always temporary. Know when to give yourself time off. Before rejoining the online world, reflect on your last experience. Was there a “type” getting in the way of who you talked to? Were you trying to become a “type” in an effort to pursue someone? (That’s a question for a whole other post.) Most importantly, what can you do differently to mix it up a little when you jump back in? Sometimes, all it takes is a little variety.

You are not alone.

No matter where you are in the dating world, take heart in this: pretty much everyone deals with a “type” frustration at one point or another.

We all struggle and could all use a dating refresh once in a while. You’re not alone! And you just never know where something might lead if you give it a chance. (If you don’t believe me, check out all the CatholicMatch success stories and you’ll be convinced otherwise!)