Don't Let Somebody Settle for You

Somewhere deep down, we all want to be accepted as we are.

We just want to be chosen as-is, embraced despite our faults, and fully loved. Have you longed for this kind of relationship? If so, know this: You're already in one.

God, the creator of the universe, chose you. He embraces you. And he loves you. In fact, "God proves his love for us in that while we were still sinners Christ died for us" (Romans 5:8).

And I get that this may be of little or no comfort to people who've been single forever, who already know God accepts us as we are but still want to meet and marry men or women who'll also choose us as-is.

But the person you want to date isn't obligated to do that.

And for some of us, he or she probably shouldn't.

I'm certain, by the way, that when some people say "accept me as I am," it is a worthwhile declaration.

If you're a devout Catholic, for example, a Protestant you date should accept that instead of telling you he won't marry you unless you leave the Catholic Church (yes, that's happened to me). Or if you're an introvert, an extrovert you date should accept that, instead of acting like needing some solitude is a flaw you need to fix. 

A Protestant who can't accept your Catholicism has no business dating you. An extrovert who won't accept your introversion shouldn't date you, either. That's because these are traits that make you who you are. Take them away and you're not you anymore. Asking you to change them is like saying, "If only you were someone else—then I'd want you."

And nobody wants that.

But when I tell you that significant others shouldn't accept us as-is, I'm not talking about the traits that make us who we are. I'm talking about the traits that don't. I'm talking about the status quo.

Yes, relationships are meant to illustrate God's love, and God loves us no matter what.

But relationships are also supposed to sanctify us—to make us holier and healthier. So I think we each ought to consider carefully whether the relationships we've been hoping to find actually align with both or if we'd really prefer a relationship that doesn't.

Because we'd probably all say, "Of course I want somebody who'll love me no matter what within the context of a relationship that helps me get holier and healthier." But lots of us behave like we actually want somebody who'll love us no matter how unwilling we are to get holier and healthier.

And just so we're totally clear, even people who are unwilling to get holier and healthier do deserve love. But we don't have to date or marry them in order to love them.

The love they get, of course, won't look how they want it to look. They want to be dated and married despite their resistance to sanctification. In other words, they're not just looking for spouses. They're also looking for enablers.

Maybe you've dated somebody like this.

Or maybe you've been him or her—the person who just wants to be accepted as-is. But what are you actually asking of someone when you ask him or her to accept you as you are?

Too often, “accept me as I am” really means “don’t expect me to grow," as if today you’re the best possible version of yourself, as good as you’re going to get. Or maybe you've said it when you learned that you aren’t who your significant other has been looking for—that you’ve displayed some of your significant other’s dealbreakers and he or she wants to end it.

And so by “accept me as I am,” what you mean then is “I’d rather see you abandon yourself than honor yourself if honoring yourself means you have to abandon our relationship.”

In either case, you’re content to let someone settle for you.

Because the person you date is settling for you, for a stunted version of you, if by virtue of being unwilling to get holier and healthier, you're committed to maintaining your status quo. And the people you date are settling for you if they've discovered you're not actually what they're looking for but they stay because you want them to.

Please don't let that happen. Don't let somebody settle for you. If you do, I don't have much to say about that person’s standards. But I do have something to say about yours: Raise them.

You deserve somebody who really wants you and who is excited to watch (and help) you grow holier and healthier. Why would you settle for someone who doesn’t?