In the singles' circles I’ve seen lately, plenty of people have voiced how much things change once you cross the “30 and single” threshold. Both men and women talk about shifting perspectives regarding what they want life to look like and how to live in the now. Hopefully, we’re all leading meaningful lives of service to God and neighbor while we wait, but there are healthy and unhealthy ways to share that in the dating world. After listening to friends and watching social media debates, I’ve seen some clear dos and don’ts that both men and women trip over.
Men: What We Should (and Shouldn’t) Do
Whether it’s our dating profile or a first date, we guys need to avoid a few pitfalls if we want to make a good impression. As we get older, we shouldn’t get desperate. This is a sign of weakness and that we’ve lost sight of God’s timing. Instead, show what we’re made of. Don’t be stagnant, live the most interesting life we can! Be able to talk about a variety of things, take care of ourselves as best we can, and stay focused on our end goals. Don’t get bitter about how long it’s taken. Talk about what we’ve learned and the good things we’ve found along the way. Never bring up old relationships and protect other people’s reputations (whether the breakup was good or bad). By being intentional and honorable, we make a better first impression whether that’s on a screen or in person!
Women: Please Don’t...
As we get older, both men and women feel more pressure to find a spouse, and that’s natural. Hopefully, if we men avoid some mistakes, we’ll help move things along, but we’re looking for specific things, too. Just like us men, we want someone interesting. Women who have depth and who keep learning and living life, are attractive. But one thing we’re not looking for is a “travel buddy.” If travel is your main goal for the future, some men will wonder how that fits with marriage and family. It’s good to share where you’d like to go someday, but don’t make it the center of who you are!
We’re also not looking for a roommate. No man expects you to have sat around for 30 years, but if your career is your whole focus and marriage is an add-on, your dating pool will shrink fast. Be clear about your priorities so that we know what you want. Also, just like men, avoid trash-talking old dates or mocking men. Social media makes for a small world; no one wants to feel like they might be next on your highlight reel. The grace you show to those around you, past or present, will add to your character's attractiveness!
We both need to...
By the time we’re in our 30s, we should have more compassion and understanding for each other. These years give us more chances to mess up and more baggage to sort out. By now, we all know there’s no “perfect” person. We have to be realistic about what we can accept and what we can’t, while still holding on to healthy standards. It’s tempting to think time is running out and settle for “good enough.” But whether you marry at 20, 30, or later, “I do” still means until death do us part. We owe it to ourselves and to each other to discern carefully.
This means putting effort into what we share. One of the worst things to put in a profile is “Just ask” or “Seeing what’s out there.” Be honest and give people something real to respond to. It’s hard to write a profile, but it’s just as hard for the other person to start a conversation from nothing. If you’re on a date, have a few stories ready to show people who you really are. If we avoid these pitfalls, we’ll end up with better dates and maybe find the spouse we’ve been praying for!
It's cliche, but, most things worth doing aren’t easy...
Dating isn’t easy, but by staying open to how God is working, we show faith and trust in Him. The length of years doesn’t mean we are unlovable, unworthy, or doomed to perpetual singleness. It just means it’s not His time for us yet. If any of us sees ourselves in these mistakes mentioned above, we can start fixing them today. By enjoying life as it comes, serving others, and imitating Christ, we’ll be ready when our time does come, no matter when that is.
