How To Navigate the Emotional Highs and Lows of Online Dating

Many of us have been there. You’ve been on CatholicMatch for a while, and suddenly, you get someone who likes all 50 of the photos you posted.

You check out her profile. Cute? Yes. Same checkboxes checked? Yes. Marriage is annulled? Yes. Willing to relocate for the right person? Yes. You think, “Hmm, looking good.”

So you favorite her of course. And then you write a nice note, hoping she will write back. You say an extra decade of the rosary for this intention, and you wait expectantly. You’re a little nervous. The good ones get snatched up pretty quickly.

And then she writes back. The dance begins.

Is this a common scenario for you?

You exchange long notes, getting to know each other. You offer up your phone number and ask if you can call her. She returns the favor and you now have long phone calls and start sharing your lives with each other. Things are looking up. You let her know that you’re very interested in a F2F (Face to Face) meeting now that a level of trust has been established. Oh, but did I forget to mention, she lives 300 miles away?

Suddenly, you get radio silence. Or maybe you get a lovely note telling you that they don’t think you’re meant for them. And your world comes crashing down. You had invested so much emotional energy into this relationship, perhaps a little too early. Frustrating, but you accept that these things happen, and you move on. You begin again with someone else you are attracted to.

Ask yourself: how do I handle the emotional toll of dating?

I don’t know about you but this dating stuff is exhausting. Some of us have tried multiple dating sites. The faces begin to blur into each other. You forget the individual stories. You keep trying and it seems like you’re the only person on this planet. Am I invisible? Does no one find me attractive? What quality am I missing that everyone passes me by? Have I wrongly discerned the call to get married? These questions and other depressing thoughts weigh you down.

All of these experiences take a toll on us. Some of us might, after a few rejections, swear off dating altogether. Some of us fall for the lie that we are unlovable or that we will never find a suitable spouse. Others react by compromising on their principles or maybe even what they are looking for in a spouse and end up in unhappy relationships as a result. It’s painful to have our advances rejected. How do we deal with the almost inevitable emotional cost of dating?

Don't despair—Christians are people of hope!

We begin by reminding ourselves, as Catholic Christians, that we are a people of hope. We are loved by Someone who gave His life for us. We are not alone. We have the promise, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” And that means struggling through the pain of rejection or whatever else life throws our way.

Because we are people of hope, we surrender our quest for a spouse to God. And when we pray, we recognize that God has three possible answers for us: “Yes,” “No,” and “Wait.” We learn to be patient when His answer is “Wait.” We trust that He will, in His time, provide for all we need. Part of that trust is also being willing to accept a “No” from God. Sometimes, God will resurrect our crushed dreams and other times he won’t. He is the potter and we are the clay.

If you are overwhelmed or weary of searching, consider these tips.

I’d like to share some thoughts and suggestions that have helped me along the way.

• If you have reached out to a few people on CatholicMatch but received no responses, consider this—perhaps you need to expand your search criteria. Maybe start by opening it up a few more miles? Have a trusted friend of the opposite sex look at your profile and make some suggestions for improvement. If you do not have a good, recent, profile picture, add one.
• Don’t give your heart away too early. We’re all tempted to fall for someone who we perceive perfect for us in every way. But they might not think so, or they might meet someone else along the way who they might prefer to you. Take it slow. Let love develop at its own pace.
• And finally, rejection is not personal. We all have our own preferences. Respect other people’s preferences as you expect others to respect your choices. When you are rejected and in all likelihood you will be at least once, take it in stride. Don’t sulk or give up on dating. Bear through the pain and respect the other person’s wishes.