Getting Rejected? You're Doing Something Right!

Do you ever feel that all you get online is rejection?

That whenever you take a step out of your comfort zone, you just get disappointed? That all your efforts seem for naught?

You must be doing something right.

Though rejection is terrifying, it is a surefire sign you are going to succeed in the dating world. To show you what I mean, here are the surefire signs you won’t succeed: sitting at home, not meeting anyone, and never trying to put yourself out there. (It’s easier to avoid getting rejected at all than to keep facing it, right?) By contrast, meeting rejection means you are putting yourself out there, you are trying to meet people, and you’re putting forth effort. Good for you!

I’d like to challenge you to actually seek out rejection in your love life.

Before I tell you why and how, let’s look at how seeking out that disappointing “no thank you” will benefit you. You will learn:

Courage: Bravery is attractive. It starts with being brave enough to face your fears, which often include romantic disappointment. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Learning to venture and venture again will give you boldness in spades. Go after what you want!

Fortitude: It takes patience and a good amount of stoicism to hold out hope through multiple breakups, bad dates, or dud phone calls. Embracing rejection head-on will build your fortitude and keep you from giving up easily.

Emotional tolerance: Sometimes it’s hard to hear, but being too sensitive is a problem. Having a thick skin, though, will keep your disappointments in perspective. Just because one girl puts you in the friend zone doesn’t mean the next will. One breakup doesn’t doom your future commitments. Getting used to “no” means you won’t be intimidated or controlled by the outcome of a romantic venture.

That elusive, just-give-it-a-shot-what's-the-worst-that-can-happen attitude: What do you have to lose? A little bruise to your pride? Your new courage, fortitude, and emotional toughness means you don’t have anything left to fear from rejection. You now are unafraid to take the long shots, say “why not?” to someone unexpected, and pursue romance wherever it crops up.

That all sounds pretty great, right? Who knew you could grow so much from hearing a few “no thank you’s!”

I know this doesn’t alleviate all the fear of rejection. It is inherently a scary thing.

But if you’re having trouble facing it and putting yourself out there, there are five simple ways to ease yourself into it.

1. Walk up to a stranger and ask a question that you know will get a negative response, like “Can I have twenty dollars?” Starting somewhere less personal than romance is usually less intimidating, if a bit more silly. You can even start with asking little kids for their candy or toy, because they’re the least intimidating subjects ever. (And make sure not to actually take the candy if they acquiesce!) Hearing “no” in any context, for any ridiculous request, will desensitize you to the word itself. You’ll start to shrug it off instead of freaking out!

2. If you’re nervous to approach a romantic interest, just take the romantic part out. Approach someone of your gender, like a student or someone at the gym, and invite them to study with you, or grab a coffee after the workout, or whatever is fitting for your context. This can beef up your willingness to put yourself out there, and it keeps the rather personal element of romantic attraction out of the equation. You can get used to a quick rejection, but also might make a new friend too!

3. Start online by committing to messaging a certain number of people a week for a solid month. At the end of the week, the rule is you have to replace any silent responses with messaging a different person. The inevitable lack of response is the quietest online rejection possible. Deal with it by making yourself move on to other people: you’ll practice putting less pressure on messaging, and you’ll develop all those traits we discussed earlier.

4. Get out of the comfort-zone-profile trap. You know how you generally only talk to the people whose profiles align with what you think you want? Instead, try talking to all kinds of people, regardless of whether they’re your “type.” You’ll probably hit a lot more rejection, silent or otherwise. But it won’t sting nearly as much as it would from someone you think is perfect. (This one comes with a bonus: you’ll probably get a lot more phone numbers and dates than you expect, too!)

5. Make light of every rejection that comes your way. Create a positive, plentiful-minded mantra and say it to yourself and anyone who rejects you. For instance, if someone texts you with a dismissal, just type “Thanks anyway, good luck to you!” If someone says no to a first date, reply “No worries, that’s all part of the dating game.” If someone dumps you after two dates, say, “There’s always more fish in the sea!”  Why? There really are lots more fish in the sea. Repeat your mantra anytime you are rejected, and repeat it out loud to yourself whenever you feel disappointed. Words have power.

It's true, this method can't prepare you to face ALL rejections so easily.

Obviously, seeking rejection and handling it this way doesn’t apply to rejection after commitment. Ending a year-long relationship or breaking off an engagement is very different than having coffee once. Rejection early in the game is something to be embraced and learned from.

Seriously, if you’re hitting a lot of rejection, pat yourself on the back: you are invested and involved in the dating world. Keep up your effort, broaden your scope, and embrace rejection head-on. You’ll be surprised how success will end up finding you.