Is Fear Sabotaging Your Search For Love?

Our thoughts play a crucial role in potential relationships.

Although finding love in today’s world can be a challenge and sometimes feels more difficult than before, we are actually blessed to be alive at this very moment in history. After all, people are more connected than ever before, including faithful Catholics looking for a spouse. 

Thanks to CatholicMatch, the National Catholic Singles Conference, singles cruises, Catholic speed dating, and various local groups, your spouse could be a mouse-click, volunteer activity, or plane-ride away. So in practical terms, it’s easier than ever to meet a potential spouse. So why do so many people feel stuck in their love lives?

“ For what I am doing, I do not understand; for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate.” Romans 7:15 (NASB)

As Paul so eloquently stated in his letter to the Romans, we often do things that are inconsistent with the desires of our hearts. It is entirely possible to desire the vocation of marriage on a conscious level...and to then block love from coming into your life at every turn. I know—that doesn’t very sound logical, right? But it actually is a matter of logic. 

You see, it comes down to how your mind works. 

Like an iceberg, 5% of our thoughts, beliefs, and habits are on a conscious level, representing the tip that we can see above the water. However, the other 95% of our thoughts, beliefs, and habits are on a much deeper unconscious level, and we’re not usually aware of our limiting beliefs that lurk beneath the surface. 

So in short, that 95% heavily outweighs any conscious action that you might be taking in your love life. Also, your brain is designed to keep you safe. So it’s possible that you don’t see love as safe on some level, based on your upbringing, family dynamics, or previous relationships.  

So, how do we figure out if we have been self-sabotaging in our journey to love?

1. “Come Holy Spirit”: pray to the Holy Spirit to enlighten your mind. It takes a lot of humility to admit that what you’re doing (or not doing) in your love life isn’t working. Ask the Holy Spirit to expose any areas in your mind or heart that need to be purified and renewed. He is ever-willing and ready to guide you.

2. Examine your beliefs: it’s time to get real! Get out your journal and really examine your thoughts. What do you really believe about men/women? Marriage? Love? Here are some common ones: There are no good men out there. Women only want men who make $X. I’m too old. I’m bald. I’m not thin enough. Men are looking for perfection. Love doesn’t last. No one in my family had a successful marriage, so why would I?

3. Find the patterns: This might be the hardest step. But it’s time to examine how those unconscious choices keep showing up in your life. Look at your past dating history—or lack thereof. Do you have a “type?” Have you essentially dated the same man or woman over and over again? If you have been chronically single for years or decades, why is that? You’ve joined CatholicMatch but are you active online? Do you reject people for superficial reasons? Do you participate in activities so you can meet people offline? Do you have a pornography addiction (which science has shown has a deleterious effect on the brain) so the women you meet in “real life” can’t compete with the fantasy? Do you have traumas from childhood that cause you to avoid social situations and keep members of the opposite sex at arm's length?

Ultimately, fear is at the heart of what keeps so many Catholic singles stuck. 

If you can relate, please know that you are not alone! I can identify with this in various areas of my life (including my dating life). I found myself feeling blocked and afraid to put myself out there. But through a combination of prayer and inner work, I was able to work through my own self-sabotaging habits.  

It is possible to heal deep-rooted issues through a sacramental life, but sometimes God is asking us to do a bit more—to participate more actively in our healing. That may involve seeking help from a licensed therapist or life coach. Or it may just mean saying “yes” to the person who’s not your normal “type.” Just remember that your desire for marriage is good and God-given. And no matter how long, winding or arduous, the path to your vocation can be a source of healing and grace.