When It Isn't Healthy to Hang On

Sometimes you hold on to a relationship for too long.

You both realize it’s not going to work out, yet you still have genuine feelings of love and concern for each other. So you keep holding on, holding out for a miracle that is not meant to come.  

I did this with my former wife. We both arrived at a point where we confessed to each other that we probably would not have married if we’d taken more time to know each other. There were great times in our marriage, of course, but a lot of it was difficult too. Eventually, we had to face the fact that we were not going to last.

But you don’t just shake off seven years of close companionship and love and concern for a person. 

I still cared for my wife and I wanted her to be well. I was used to being responsible for her and trying to take care of her. If I didn’t do that, who would? If I stopped, would she be okay? 

After we separated, I took a business trip to Portland. One night in the hotel room, I was missing her so I called to ask if we might reconcile. She said she’d think about it. 

A few months later, she took a vacation to Greece. She returned and wrote me a letter expressing her regret for our failed marriage. She wondered if we might still make it work. 

We both knew it wasn’t healthy to hang on. But neither of us wanted to let go.

Eventually, we made the hard break, agreeing to no longer see each other, text, or talk on the phone beyond practical matters we had to deal with. We released each other. 

It was heart-shattering. And it was healthy. It was the right thing to do. Letting go was hard. Ironically, though, it was the most loving thing we could do for each other.

When a bridge is burning and about to collapse, you don’t stay on it. You jump off, otherwise you’ll both get crushed and burned when it finally collapses. You will be in worse shape than before.

Do you still love someone? A boyfriend or girlfriend? An ex-spouse? Are you finding it difficult to release them? Don’t be discouraged.

To put a positive spin on the situation, your difficulty in letting go just shows that you are a good person. You are caring and capable of love. If you were able to cut someone loose without feeling any pain, you either never really loved them or you might be a sociopath. 

So take heart in the fact that your heart can break. It means you are human.

Henri Nouwen worked with the dying. He had a great metaphor for letting go. Like people, sometimes relationships die too. Nouwen compared this process to being a trapeze swinger. The performer must let go before she can be caught. He wrote:

“Don’t be afraid. Remember that you are the beloved child of God. He will be there when you make your long jump. Don’t try to grab him; he will grab you. Just stretch out your arms and hands and trust, trust, trust.”

When we release the one we still love, we are free to be caught by God. And we trust that God will catch them too. God loves that person even more than you do and He wants what’s best for them. When you realize it’s no longer your responsibility to care for them, you entrust them to the One who can care for them better than you can. They are going to be okay. And so are you.

But you have to trust, trust, trust, and let go. After the heartache and worry and pain, you will move on.

You may even find that an even better, healthier relationship awaits.

But you will never know as long as you cling to something dead.

The song “Release” by Grace Potter captures this reality. Listen to it, and maybe even turn it into a prayer lifted up to God for yourself and the one you need to release.

I release you

Though it's hard to say the words

I release you

From holding onto the bridge I burned

I release you from the darkness

From the love that we swore was true

I hope that, someday, the sun will shine again

And you'll release me, too

Ecclesiastes 3:6 says there is “a time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away.” And Romans 8:28 says: “We know that all things work for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose.” 

Pray for the courage to release, and know that God is working all things for good.