I have often viewed online dating as a challenge to persevere through, instead of recognizing how the process itself helped me grow. If you are disheartened with online dating, you are not alone - it is important to acknowledge your struggles and find the path forward that is right for you. But it is also worthy to consider how God may be trying to reach you through the challenges and help prepare you for your future.
For the past month, my fiancé Tanner and I have been searching for a new apartment to move into after we get married. Over these weeks we have scoured websites, talked with realtors, and toured buildings numerous times, but we still haven't found a place to live. Even when we have found an apartment we like, landlords have rejected our applications or someone else has made an offer before we can. The cycle of excitement, disappointment, and hope we have endured through this process bears a strong resemblance to my experience of online dating.
When you are in the throes of discouragement and rejection, the optimistic possibility of finally getting what you desire seems almost nonexistent. Recently, as I was expressing my frustration (okay, complaining) to Tanner about our struggle to find a place to live, he looked at me and said: “This experience is going to help us be resilient in our marriage.” I paused and let that sink in – the obstacles we face are not just a means to an end but can provide us with their own gifts if we are willing to acknowledge them.
- Rejection as a means toward resilience
During the times when my messages went unanswered or someone stopped responding to a conversation, the rejection pricked at my esteem. Even if I did not think we would be the right fit, I did not want to be the one who was dismissed.
And yet, I will continue to experience rejection long after I get married, whether I am applying for a job, trying to make new friends, or falling short of a goal. Although these rejections will take place in different contexts, they will sting in their own ways, with the potential to rattle my confidence. Though I have a long way to go, I am learning to take rejection less personally and allow it to build my tolerance so that I can be more resilient in the future. Rejection will find us in every stage of life, and there is hope in knowing that each instance will help us be ready for whatever is to come.
- You are growing in your vocation now
Regardless of our marital status, each of us has a vocation to be united with God in Heaven and to build His kingdom on earth. This is easy to say, but difficult to internalize. When I was online dating, my largest frustration came from my conviction that my vocation was to marriage, but I was not able to live it out.
I did not realize that God did not want me to be frustrated. While He gave me the desire for my vocation, He also wanted me to find peace and joy in the present phase of life. God is not throwing obstacles in our way just to test our endurance – He walks with us through the challenges so that we can grow in trust and reliance on Him.
If online dating is causing you deep-seated frustration or disappointment, reflect on both whether you may need to take a break, and how you can invite God to accompany you through the process. Developing a close relationship with God will not only alleviate some of the burden now, but will provide a constant source of support throughout life. Every vocation will carry with it profound joys and challenges, and leaning on God in the dating season will fortify your resilience.
- Learn to laugh
Recently, I texted Tanner that an apartment we contacted went off the market before we could tour. “Story of our lives,” he texted back with a crying-laughing face emoji. When I encounter challenges, my instinct is to take things seriously, not to laugh. Yet, finding humor in unpleasant situations can be beneficial and even healthy.
I do not know how long it will take to find an apartment, just as you may not know how long it will take to find someone to date or marry. Persevering through the process does not mean we have to grit our teeth and muscle our way through. I am learning that humor has its role in helping us to gain perspective and enjoy the present moment, even if it is not what we want. The saying goes, “Make plans, and God laughs,” but God isn’t laughing at us – He wants us to laugh with Him when we go through the trials that will lead us to our destinations.
Online dating is not easy and not always fun, but the process will be worthwhile if you approach it with an openness to learn, grow closer to God, and find humor in the difficult moments. Your journey is not a waste of time if you allow it to prepare you for the amazing plans God has in store for your life.
