Please Don't Do This to The People You Date

For two to become one takes effort.

Yes, unity is achieved by the Sacrament of Matrimony. But it's human nature to resist it. Ask most married couples and they'll tell you: Just because there's been a wedding doesn't mean becoming one won't take work.

What comes naturally to us doesn't usually unify us—especially if we've been single for a while.

You have your own MO, your status quo, your habits, and your routine. Marriage can (and should) be disruptive to all of them. That will refine you.

But marriage won't do that if at some point while you're dating, you don't start to include and consider your significant other more. His or her preferences, thoughts, and feelings should matter to you as much as yours. By virtue of the dying to self that marriage requires, you'll be called to replace your old life with a new one that deeply engages and affects a spouse.

It takes time to get used to involving someone else in decisions you've only ever made alone.

We all have to adjust to including another person in the parts of our lives that long have been exclusive. And all of us can practice this while we date. I learned the hard way what happens when you don't.

Several years ago, my then-boyfriend and I discussed our upcoming weekend plans. I could have predicted most of what he listed. But then he added something I didn't expect.

"Oh," he said, casually. "And tomorrow I'm going to a funeral."

This surprised me—and that surprised him. I had no idea that anyone had died. And it had not occurred to him to tell me. A year into that relationship, we still hadn't moved closer to unity.

If marriage is on the table, please don't do that to the people you date. (And if marriage isn't on the table, please don't date them at all.)

But you can prevent it.

You can decide to do today what will make unity possible tomorrow, such as considering each other's preferences—which doesn't come naturally.

Without effort, most of us forget or decide not to include significant others in decisions that affect them. Some of us just aren't inclined to involve others more deeply in our lives.

But we won't become one if we don't consider each other.

You can decide today to be attentive to and present with each other.

When we do, we don't make significant others compete for our attention, whether with your smartphone or your hobbies or your parents or your job. When you consistently give more time, energy, or attention to those things than to significant others, you communicate that those things are more important to you than your significant others are. And worse, those things probably actually are more important to you.

But we won't become one if we don't protect our relationships by surrounding them with healthy boundaries.

You can decide today not to keep score—as in giving only if you know you’ll get something in return, or only because you got something first.

But we won't become one if we don't both try to out-love each other.

You can decide today not to dodge difficult conversations. In fact, if there’s something you’re afraid to tell your significant other about yourself, that may be a solid sign that you actually ought to share it.

But we won't become one if we won't be vulnerable with each other.

And you can decide today not to appraise the people you date—because we've already been appraised by the only true appraiser: God.

As such, we don't date to determine whether a man or woman is of enough value for you to choose him or her.

We go in knowing this person is of infinite value and instead discern whether God would have you communicate that value to him or her every day, in marriage.

But we won't become one someday if we spend today trying to decide how much a boyfriend or girlfriend is worth.

We won't become one if in a relationship, we do exactly what we've always done while single.

We won't become one if we only do what comes naturally. But God can give us the grace to do what doesn't.