Years ago, I sat in a chapel at a local parish and prayed in the wake of a breakup. Through a giant window in the wall between the chapel and the narthex, I watched pallbearers carry a casket into the church, surrounded by the deceased man’s family. I was overcome with an urge I had never had before: to attend a stranger’s funeral Mass. So I did.
One of the readings the man’s family had selected was from 1 Corinthians, a passage I have heard far more often at weddings than at funerals: love is patient, love is kind... You know the one. I wept while the lector read it because I realized something. I always knew that passage explains how we are called to love. But it didn't occur to me until I crashed a stranger's funeral that it also explains how others are called to love us.
Unfortunately, that isn't how some of the men I had dated had loved me.
I settled for so much less because I didn't know that even in God's eyes, I deserved more. I decided that day that I'd never again settle for a relationship with someone who doesn't love me like that. You shouldn't either.
Some of us settle because we haven't accepted a set of important truths—truths you need to declare while you're dating.
Here are 5 truths you need to come to terms with during your dating years...
1. I am a beloved child of God.
When you believe God's love for you has no end, that nothing can separate us from His love, and that you are His beloved child, how you see yourself changes. Because you are beloved by Him, God delights in spending time with you. He wants whatever is best for you. He declares that you are lovable and likable. And when you know these things, you can't help but notice when people treat you like these things aren't true—when a significant other expects you to earn love, rejects most of your bids for connection, or doesn't desire what's best for you. Your significant other is supposed to honor your God-given identity; not make you question it. His or her words and actions should reinforce the truth that you're beloved. If they don't, then declare this truth—and end the relationship.
2. God is the source of my security.
St. Augustine didn't say our hearts are restless until they rest in a significant other. He said they're restless until they rest in God. Your date (and eventually your spouse) is responsible for behaving in ways that remind you that you're secure (by speaking your love languages, by being faithful to you, and by reassuring you of his or her love when you need that). But your date isn't God. If you find yourself feeling insecure and you think your date is the only one who can fix it, this is a truth it's time to declare. Note that sometimes, insecurity does arise because the relationship isn't secure, like when your date is hesitant to make it official or just squeezes you into his or her free time instead of prioritizing time with you. But God is your secure base. When you're continuously connected to Him, you'll find yourself feeling secure, even while you walk away from a relationship with somebody who isn't good for you.
3. I have infinite value in God's eyes.
In God's eyes, you are of infinite value. But what does your significant other's behavior say you're worth? Is this person happy to spend time with you, or is spending time with you more like an inconvenience? Does he play an active role in planning dates, or do real dates only happen if you arrange them yourself? Can she respect your boundaries, or does she routinely try to breach them? If a significant other's behavior says your value is anything less than infinite, please know—you deserve to be treated better than that. If God says your value is infinite, your significant other must treat you like that's true. Declare this truth and wait to date until you meet somebody who knows you are worth his or her time, effort, respect, honor, attention, appreciation, and sacrifice.
4. I am being transformed (and so is my significant other).
Sometimes, your imperfections are going to rear their heads. You'll lose your patience, you'll hurt your significant other's feelings, and you'll be inconsiderate. But by being a follower of Christ, you are being transformed. And transformation is a lifelong process. By declaring this truth, you remind yourself (and your significant other) to have patience with your growth (and to have patience with your significant other's growth, too). Yes, we are beloved, and yes, we have infinite value, but sometimes we'll fail to communicate that to each other well. More important than getting it right every time is owning it, apologizing, and making amends when we don't. The point isn't to be perfect—the point is to admit that you're not, and to grow wherever you can.
5. My relationship should illustrate God’s love.
When you're married, you should be able to look at the way your spouse loves you and say, "Wow. That's what God's love for me is like."
In other words, your spouse should remind you of Jesus. Others should see the way you love one another and be reminded of Jesus's love for them, too. But modeling Christ's love should start while you're still dating. If you're dating now, declare this truth, and then ask yourself: Is it? Does my date ever remind me of Jesus? Is my significant other patient and kind? While there is always hope for conversion, a significant other who doesn't love you like Jesus before the wedding probably won't love you like that afterward, either.
Now, for some more honesty...
Sometimes, reminding yourself of these truths will unveil another truth—an uncomfortable one: that the person you're dating doesn't treat you as well as he or she should.
If that happens, good. Because once you realize you've been settling, you are finally equipped to do what I waited too long to do myself: stop that.
