On our first date, we sat back in a pair of plastic Adirondack chairs outside an Italian ice shop.
About a month earlier, I had met him in line for confession—green flag. Since then, he had gone on a retreat that had drawn him deeper into his relationship with Christ (green flag!). But while we enjoyed our sweet treats and talked, another "flag" popped up, and I couldn't immediately discern its color: He was new to practicing chastity.
By the end of the date, my gut said not to run, but the rest of me was skeptical. I hoped the color of that flag would get clearer, and eventually, it did. I married him about a year later.
But I am not without empathy for all who are still single and mingling, who are living now what I lived until I turned 38: The flags you find while you date aren't always clear.
Some seem red at first, but as your love and trust for each other grows, so does your peace about moving forward. Other flags look green. In fact, they look great, like everything you'd dream of in a spouse. But there are some red flags that are hard to see until you've been in it for a while, flags that almost always look green at first.
Here are 5 of them...
1. Extremely Close to His or Her Parents
It's a gift in adulthood to have close relationships with your parents. But has your date simply become good friends with them, or are they all "involved in each other’s activities and personal relationships to an excessive degree"? Because that's not close- that's enmeshment, according to the American Psychological Association—and it's a red flag if your date isn't aware of the dynamic. Adult children who are enmeshed quickly oblige most of their parents' requests, even trivial ones, regardless of whether obliging interferes with higher priorities or existing plans (including a date with you). Their parents are privy to more details about their kids' lives than is appropriate, and vice versa. They involve themselves with each other where their involvement isn't necessary (and often where it isn't wanted).
And it probably isn't new. In fact, it likely started when your date was young, and his or her parents sought out more support and attention from their kids than they should have. They believed this is what real love looked like. But psychologist Kenneth M. Adams reminds us: “There is nothing loving or caring about a close parent-child relationship when it services the needs and feelings of the parent rather than the child.” Parents do have needs, but their kids aren't meant to meet them. Until their adult children find freedom from enmeshment, they'll have a hard time doing what you'll need them to do if you marry one of them: leave and cleave (see Genesis 2:24).
2. Just Wants to Be 'Accepted as I Am'
If my date just wants to be accepted as he is, then surely, he'll accept me as I am, too. Phew—that's good news. Or is it? Because "accept me as I am" is actually a problem when it turns out to be code for "don't expect me to grow." And in my observation, it's almost always code for that. You can tell it is when you give your significant other feedback (like "it concerns me that you scrambled to shut your laptop when I walked in" or "it really hurts when you say you'll call me later but never do"). Instead of taking ownership, or taking advantage of an opportunity to grow, he or she is aghast that "you don't accept me as the imperfect person I am."
But I don't think that's accurate. I think that's gaslighting. I can accept that you're imperfect, and I can tell you about the impact you're having on me. It's reasonable to expect you to do something about it when your impact is doing damage. Many act as if being accepted as we are and being loved unconditionally are the same. But they aren't. To love is to "will the good of the other," as Aquinas taught. It is not good for you if I enable you or hold a low bar for you for fear of conflict. Part of loving each other is holding each other accountable. If sainthood is the goal, we shouldn't want to be accepted as we are. We should want a bar held high for us to ensure that we're growing in virtue.
3. Has No Regrets
This isn't the girl or guy who waddles with you back to the car after two hours at a Chinese buffet declaring "I REGRET NOTHING." No, this is the date who has made some objectively harmful mistakes, who's put him or herself and others into spiritually, physically, or emotionally precarious positions in the past but doesn't say much about that today other than "those things made me who I am." Respectfully, no they didn't. God makes you who you are—his beloved child, created with the capacity to learn and grow.
But as Brene Brown says, "'No regrets' doesn't mean living with courage, it means living without reflection. To live without regret is to believe you have nothing to learn, no amends to make, and no opportunity to be braver with your life." Yes, it sounds good to learn that somebody has no regrets, but we're all sinners. So if we're without regret for things we've done, we might not have repented for them yet. A significant other who doesn't regret harm done before you met may not regret harm done while you date, either—and he or she may not be ready to take ownership of mistakes or responsibility for commitments.
4. Wildly Spontaneous
This is fun at first—when he gets that gleam in his eye and "lunch at Panera" turns into a six-hour round-trip drive to a waterfall in North Carolina, and you have the best time. Or a couple of days after your second date, she shows up unannounced at your office to surprise you with takeout for lunch. But when your date's spontaneity starts to look like answering the phone while you're walking on the beach, letting a parent crash a date that was supposed to be some much-needed quality time for just the two of you, or showing up late because he decided to change a friend's tire 20 minutes before your dinner reservation, you realize this might not be the fun kind of spontaneity—it might be an impulse control problem.
Of course, not all spontaneous people are controlled by impulse. If your significant other is spontaneous enough to have a lot of unexpected fun but wise enough to know when it is or isn't a good idea, then this flag might really be green. But if it's all impulse and no prudence, a lot of flying by the seat of his or her pants and no planning, it might mean healthy boundaries are a struggle for your date and that it'll eventually be difficult or impossible to rely on him or her.
5. Respects Your Chastity
If your date is willing to save sex because he or she respects your chastity, RUN! You don't want to choose someone who respects chastity. You want to choose someone who practices it. Chastity requires us to govern ourselves, and if you pick a person who isn't entirely on board, you'll have to govern yourself and your date. While your intentions are noble, your impact is dangerous—if you have to govern both of you, you're not loving your date; you're enabling him or her not to practice chastity. People don't learn to govern themselves if somebody else always does it for them.
Will These Flags Be Red Forever?
These red flags are worth noting—and when you see them, your best next step often is to take a step back from the relationship. People enmeshed with their families of origin, unwilling to learn or grow, controlled by impulse, or only saving sex because you're making them, aren't ready for what a serious relationship really demands.
And that might feel discouraging, whether you're the one with the red flag, or you're super into somebody who has one. But there's something else worth noting: "Not ready" isn't irreparable. You can overcome any of these things—if you want to. And if you want to, you're already closer to ready than you think.
