Who Should Move in a Long Distance Relationship?

You’ve taken one of the big leaps that comes with online dating and started on a long distance relationship.

It’s even gone pretty well. You look forward to the nightly phone calls or Skypes, and there’s always an extra skip in your step when a weekend where one of you is traveling to see the other is at hand.

But as the relationship grows, you and your dating partner are wondering when it’s time to take the next big leap and start living in the same city. I’ve moved twice for a relationship. The first time was an epic disaster that ended in the hands of an annulment tribunal. The second happened two years ago and has gone much better, with a wedding on the horizon.

What makes the difference? Who should take the leap and when should it happen? Like so many other issues in dating, there’s no set of rules that applies perfectly to everyone, but there are common principles that are universal.

1. Who has family obligations?

For couples where one or both is annulled, this factor alone might end up being decisive. If one person has kids in grade school, while the other is never married or whose kids just went on to college, the decision becomes self-evident. Another example might be someone who has to care for an aged parent. Who needs to be close by and who can afford to have some geographical separation?

2. Do you own or rent?

If one person owns a house while the other rents, that could point to moving into the owned home. Even if you plan to eventually sell that home and move into something that’s truly “yours together”, it will likely be easier if you’re both in the same area. The person who moves can help get the place set up for sale and you won’t feel under pressure in negotiations to sell at any price.

3. Whose job or career is more transportable?

For me, this has always been easy—I’m a writer and content editor with paralegal certification, and have either been able to work from anywhere or have a reasonable hope of finding steady employment anywhere. But for other couples it might not be as easy.

For example, jobs in nursing or teaching tend to be available most anywhere, but what if you’re a nurse or teacher who’s built up some seniority, and starting over would come at a significant cost? That has to be taken into consideration. Another example would be a real estate agent—in theory, you can sell houses anywhere. In practice, the job is localized and depends heavily on referrals and word-of-mouth business. Rebuilding it all in a new area would take time.

What about the moving party finding a job before relocating? That’s what happened in the case of one couple I know. She started applying for jobs in his town and moved when she got one. They’re now married with five kids. That’s great when it works out and by all means, try it. But be prepared for the fact that it’s easier to find work after a relocation has taken place.  

4. What kind of cushion do you have? 

That means getting real about how long you have to find employment before the money runs out. The person who’s welcoming you to their town can find ways to help reduce the burden. For example, my fiancée used her personal network to find me a place that was reasonably priced, gave me furniture from her place, and recruited the kids of some friends to handle moving it all in before I arrived.

5. What kind of support network will the relocating person have?

There’s no getting around the fact that person who moves will be heavily dependent on their partner when it comes to social opportunities. We’re going to presume you’ve probably met all the local friends and family and that you get along reasonably well with them.

But you have to be realistic about two things—the first is that the relationship might not work and you’ll be high and dry. Been there. It’s about as miserable an experience as there is. And even if the relationship does continue to thrive, is it really healthy for you to be completely dependent on your partner for a social life? I daresay that’s not very healthy for a couple that’s actually married, much less one that may still be in the discernment process.

You may need to consider that the more sociable person in the couple may be best-suited to handle a move if all other factors are equal. At the very least, the person who relocates should have 2-3 ideas in place for activities that will get them meeting different people.

6. Be ready for a curveball.

As a couple, you’ve done everything right. You reviewed all the factors. Maybe some conflicted—maybe one of you owned a house, but the other had a less portable career. But you worked those out in discernment and you’re both at peace with the decision. Even allowing that, expect the unexpected.

In my own experience, God will get me to the place He wants me to be and then some challenge will be put in front of me. In my own recent relocation, the freelance work that had been steady suddenly went dry for a while. If it had gone dry even a month or two earlier, we’ve have waited before I moved. But that wasn’t the plan.

The unexpected challenge forced me to step out of my comfort zone and try some things—I did jobs that I might have otherwise avoided and interviewed for opportunities that I might have instead let pass by. And personal growth came as a result.

Feeling natural fear is perfectly normal when you get ready to take a leap of faith. In fact, there might be something wrong if you don’t feel some fear. But the Holy Spirit is there to strengthen us in the face of the fear, so always push through it and trust in Him. Like Peter on the Sea of Galilee, if you keep your eyes on Jesus he’ll keep you afloat. If you look at your own strength, you sink.