Should You Live with Family After the Wedding?

The beautiful day is done, you steal away for your honeymoon, and then prepare for the bliss of newlywed life...

The people walking into your room.

The loud voices (or maybe shrieks?) of children.

Trying to find a place to talk privately with your new husband or wife.

The figuring out whose underwear is in your laundry basket.

Not every newlywed couple gets a beautiful home or private apartment right out of the gate. Not every couple celebrating 10, 20, or 30 years of marriage gets that privacy, either. For many reasons, adults are moving in with their parents, grandparents, or other people in their lives. And the benefits of this can be great, if you are doing it for the right reasons.

What are some “right reasons” to move in with family?

Some may be:

• Saving money by splitting rent or mortgage payments

• Helping out your parents or roommates—financially or otherwise

• Avoiding a year-long contract when you just need somewhere to stay for a month or two before moving on

Maybe you have lived with your parents for a long time, and now are trying to figure out the dynamic of bringing a spouse into the mix. Or perhaps you’re the one moving in with the in-laws. Either way, it can be stressful. How do you grow your relationship with your spouse while navigating the (sometimes stormy) seas of a multi-family household?  

There’s no way to ensure a “perfect” household dynamic, but these tips can help ease the transition.

1.) Communication.

I cannot stress this enough. Please sit down with your spouse and the homeowners BEFORE the moving process begins and have a “household meeting” of sorts. You want a game plan now so you can avoid hurt feelings and unmet expectations in the future.

During this pre-moving meeting, keep things non-personal as possible. Treat it like a roundtable at work—there are no “bad” or “stupid” ideas or questions. Decide things such as: Whose rooms are whose? Where are things going to be stored? Are we going to share bathrooms, living rooms, and kitchens? Who is going to clean x,y, and z areas? Who will take the trash out? (See Number 4 for more topic ideas)

It’s also a good idea to have regular check-ins with each other as a household. For some this means a monthly “meeting” where you talk about what’s going well, what needs to change, or random expenses that have come up. For others, it means chatting over the dinner table regularly. Do what works for your household.

2.) Boundaries.

Most of us know that those we live with, whether parents, siblings, or spouse, are sometimes the ones easiest to take for granted, treat poorly, or take advantage of. It can be very easy to slide into being snarky, ignoring, or taking for granted the people you live with. You need to make sure everyone is going to have their own designated space, their own designated jobs (see Number 4), and that EVERYONE in the household is willing to respect that. And hold each other accountable if these boundaries start to slip.

Above all, if you have a history of verbal or physical abuse, manipulative or controlling behavior with your potential roomies, I strongly suggest NOT moving in with them.

3.) Respect.

Living in a mixed-family or multigenerational home can be challenging; however, sitting there bemoaning your situation, your lack of privacy, your tight space, is simply...selfish. Because guess what? The parents (or guardians, or sibling, or friend) who you moved in with are making big sacrifices to have you with them. Do you think they enjoy moving themselves, their kids, or their items out of rooms to make space for you? Do you think they like figuring out parking spaces with 1 or 2 extra vehicles in the way? They are giving you a huge gift when they welcome you into their home, and you should never forget that.

However, if they are unfairly “lording it over you” or disrespecting you because they feel they have all the power as the homeowner letting you into their space, it may be time for a conversation—or just a new apartment.

I truly believe that each person in the household—whether 3 years old or 103—should feel like their concerns and needs are being heard. When some cousins moved in with our family, my littlest sister who was 4 at the time was very worried that no one would listen to her if she wanted her own space later on.

I think my parents and the cousins handled this very well, reassuring the little girl that she could let any one of them know if she wanted her space or felt uncomfortable having these extra people in her home, and they would do their best to meet her needs.

4.) Teamwork.

You can try to live as privately and separately as you like, BUT you still share the walls of a home. What does this mean for you and your parents? I think sharing a home means sharing the responsibility of running a household. Have a household meeting—preferably before you all move in together, as this wards off causing resentment and unmet expectations—and talk about the nitty gritty jobs that need to be done, and who’s going to do them. Things to consider include, but are certainly not limited to:

• How to split the rent or mortgage payments, electric, water, and repair bills

• Who will do and pay for all the different kinds of shopping. For example, will you make a grocery list together, and share the price? Or will each family/couple do their own?

• Will you trade off chores each week or divide them down the middle (one person “owns” a certain task and will always take care of it).

Keep in mind that different families will have different needs. For instance, you may do all the chores for your grandma, and in return she’ll provide a room for you rent-free. Or, you babysit the younger kiddos in the house in exchange for your keep.

Give it time and stay flexible.

The important thing is to figure out what is fair for everyone, keep touching base over time so people doing get overwhelmed or upset, and alter the balance as needed.

There are a lot of blessings that can come from a multi-generational or multi-family home. You will get to spend so much time with your family that you may have missed out on otherwise, and build close, beautiful relationships. You can serve people in your life who are important to you. You can learn wisdom from your grandparents and parents.

With a little care and planning, and willingness to be flexible on both sides, you can honestly say: the more, the merrier!