I admit to not being an avid football fan; I love the sport, but, being a Raiders fan and watching the infamous “Tuck Rule" I became disenchanted with the sport back in 2002 and haven’t given it much of my time since then. I still pay a modicum of attention, though. And when you see a huge number of Eagles fans pelting Vikings fans with entire cans of beer and screaming profanities, it becomes difficult to not pay attention to certain aspects of the news cycle surrounding the great game.
It’s irony of the highest order that the good people of the City of Brotherly Love would behave in such a lamentable fashion. But this irony is what draws our attention to the subject at hand. If these actions show us what a poor relationship with people—even total strangers—is like, then we can learn about what good friendships are like by what this altercation lacks.
My journey to finding true friends.
When I began my college career, I started at a junior college and managed to get myself enrolled in UC Santa Cruz after a brief spell at the JC. While I loved much of what Santa Cruz had to offer, I felt that I was slowly asphyxiating under the weight of some of the relationships I had in that school environment. Really, I was lacking a base of people with a solid understanding of reality.
I needed people with loves, joys, hope, and faith. Instead, I found more people interested in self-affirmation and the ‘Naked Run’ (yes, it’s just what it sounds like—every year during the first rain of the season all the students of a certain mindset would run through the streets of the campus chanting “Let’s get naked!” repeatedly; it was [and remains] a tradition whose mentality I fail to fully grasp).
He asked, what are you looking for?
After spending a trimester at the school and sitting in classes where a Christian mindset was a largely unpopular one, I came home and had a rather frank discussion with my father about the matter. He asked, ultimately what I wanted out of school, and he reminded me that a person can get an education just about anywhere if they’re willing to work for it. I came to the conclusion that the deciding factor, then, was that I wanted to make lasting friendships—I wanted to make friendships where, fifty years down the line, I could call up that person and say, “I’m really struggling with this…Please, pray for me” and have them understand what that meant. That’s when my father suggested I go to Benedictine College.
I’d like to say this isn’t a shameless plug for my now Alma Mater. You may read it this way. And while it is not my purpose, it is hard to speak with anything but the highest form of gratitude for BC, because it gave me precisely what I needed, which was more than I ever knew that I wanted. There are some thirty-odd people who I keep in some close contact with. There are a dozen more who I call frequently. There are many whose weddings I have been in and there are many who were in my wedding.
So, what are the qualities that make up a great friendship?
How does one determine between the kinds of friendships which are good, which are healthy, and the kinds of relationships which are, in one way or another, which are unhealthy? There are several answers to this:
1. Do they challenge you?
I am firmly convinced that a friend is not an echo chamber. The good friend pushes you to be better. They push you out of your comfort zone, they force you to see things in a new light, and most of all they drive you to be better. Simply put, they challenge you in order that you can become a saint.
2. Do they have love enough to be honest?
Because you are human, you will suffer. Because you are human, you will likely cause others suffering too. And a good friend will tell you when you have hurt them. That also extends to acknowledgement and self-reflection. As important to finding the person who will be a good friend is being a good friend yourself. This is that whole bit Jesus suggested in passing when He taught us the “Our Father”—something about “forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.” Or at least, so I must.
3. What occasions do they offer you?
Let us be clear: an occasion is not the same thing as an ‘outing.’ By no means do I suggest that the good friend take you out to the mall. Indeed, if a person forced that upon me, I might question our friendship. Instead, I more mean when you are with them, what sort of circumstances do you find yourselves in? Are these people ones who spend their time sitting and idling about materialism, or do they provide chances to discuss meaningful sides of life. I find the weather as interesting as any man (though less than most old men), but if icebreakers or time-fillers are the exclusive purpose of your time together, what’s the point, really?
4. Do they increase your joy?
Friends recognize your sorrow and sadness, and look to comfort you there, surely, but friends also are the ones who make your heart leap as Christ caused John the Baptist to do in utero. When you find yourself gravitating towards a certain person, ask yourself why. Do you stay by them because they radiate that coolness or chic that you admire, or because something about their humanity speaks to your own?
5. Do they refill your well?
I mean this more in the sense of the ‘spiritual well’, or we can use the colloquial phrase of ‘recharging your batteries’. Do you feel refreshed after being with the person in question, or are they draining company for you? To be friends with someone who is difficult or draining is not exclusively a bad thing, but spending time with people who are exclusively draining is a hard thing to live through for extended periods of time. Find the people who leave you feeling full; be objective in your interactions with people and identify what about their presence fills you, and with what they are filling you. People are full of a lot of things, and the discerning eye might mistake water from something a tad more stagnant.
6. Do they compel you to dance poorly?
Most importantly of all, you want to ask yourself this question: are you comfortable with the person you are when you are around the friends in question. Do you feel freedom to live without fear of rebuke in your thoughts or silliness? Life is a somber affair, and so finding friends who have the ability to make it more gleeful are good folk to keep on hand.
