What to Say to Catholics Going Through Divorce

What were the most helpful (or non-helpful) pieces of advice you've ever received?

There have been plenty of times where the many good people in my life have offered me advice that challenged me and helped me grow. At the same time, there have been incidents where people offered advice that was less than helpful or just plain insensitive.

In a particular way, I think for divorced Catholics, receiving helpful or hurtful advice can be sensitive to navigate. When I was navigating my own divorce and annulment, I was very fortunate to be surrounded by an army of friends and family who loved me and walked alongside very closely through the pain of those years. 

Thankfully, I only had one experience of a friend who said something hurtful and unkind in regards to my circumstances.

Sadly, I know this is not the case for everyone else.

Whether or not a family member or friend agrees with the decision to get a divorce, there are certain things to say and not say in the moment.

1.DO ask how you can support someone…Ask how he or she is really doing as they navigate life during and after a divorce. Make room for the many different types of feelings that come up. Be a good friend and listen. Genuinely asking how you can best support a friend or loved going through a divorce is such a gift. I know I felt that way, especially on the days and weeks I was not even sure how I felt about it all.

2. DON'T ask if they tried counseling…Making the decision to end a marriage is not one made lightly. People have many different reasons. Regardless of those reasons, assume the best of this person; trust their judgment that they did everything possible in their power to save their marriage. In light of their choice, do not start out by asking a lot of personal questions out of the gate. Rather, listen to their pain and hurt.

3. DO encourage them to attend a support group...For a freshly divorced person, it can feel difficult to find others who have had a similar experience. I found it helpful and beneficial to attend a support group. This was a great next step for me in working through my feelings and finding people with a similar experience. If you are able to find a Catholic Church that has a Catholic-based support group, that would be a great option as well.

4. DON'T offer unsolicited, free advice...Offer advice when asked, but don’t make it a habit to say things like, What I would do in this situation_____, You should do this_____. Men and women who are navigating life post divorce are trying to do the best they can. Sometimes it can be easy to give well-intentioned advice into a situation we have little to no experience with. Just be mindful of the words you use, and how they come across and are received by the other person.

5. DO suggest the annulment process… The fact remains if you were married in a Catholic Church, you presumed to be married to that person until the Church proves otherwise. Suggesting a friend or family member begin the annulment process sooner rather than later is a good idea; especially if he or she desires to be married again at some point. My own experience with the annulment process is that it can be an avenue to deeper personal healing, which I think is always needed after something traumatic like a divorce. If someone in your life doesn’t know where to begin with the annulment process, walk alongside them and help them find the right information as they explore it.

6. DON'T tell them to start dating right away...If you were married in the Church, the Church still sees you as married; dating should be the last thing you suggest. Jumping into dating after ending a serious relationship is never a good idea. Your heart and mind need time to heal and process the long-term relationship that has just ended. Most Catholics will likely need to go through the annulment process, so supporting and encouraging a friend or family member to do that is the best place to start.

Above all else, do this.

If you are not sure what to say to someone in your life who is going through a divorce, the best possible place to start is praying for that person (in the moment if possible!). Be their cheerleader and encourager. Let them know you care about their heart and pain.

For those of you who have experienced a divorce before, is there anything else you would do or suggest?

What were some of the most helpful (and non-helpful things) people said to you as you navigated these heavy waters?