3 Things You Shouldn’t Say to a Friend Going Through a Divorce

When I finally came to the painful reality that my marriage was over, I began to feel anxious about how and what I would tell people in my life.

I was extremely grateful to be surrounded by a very supportive network of family and friends.

Some people may make hurtful comments about your divorce...

However, I did have one friend who made some critical, hurtful comments on her perceptions of why I should not leave my marriage. She basically told me unless my husband physically beats me or I was in danger of totally losing my faith, I had to stay and stick it out. I felt especially hurt by her comments when I had opened up and shared what was really going on.

What I took from that uncomfortable experience is that going through a divorce, you can expect people to say some hurtful things or make insensitive comments. Some will be unknowingly. And some may feel like a jab, like the above story I shared.

Divorce is the ultimate emotional rollercoaster. And it can feel awkward when you don’t know what to say or how to say it.

If you know someone who is divorcing, here some things I would encourage you not to say:

1. Don't say, “How are you?”

It is safe to assume for the at least the first full year after a divorce your friend or family member is struggling. Feelings of sadness, grief, anger, fear, insecurity, loneliness will roll in like ocean waves unexpectedly. He or she will feel up and down, and some days like a big hot mess.

Instead of a vague, “How are you?" ask, “How are you today?” It is such a small difference, but it takes an awkward question and makes it more simple to digest.

2. Don't ask, “Did you two try counseling?”

At some point perhaps, there is a place to have this conversation when you are already talking deeply about what happened in the marriage. But it is never ever a good idea to ask questions in a way that sounds harsh or judgmental.

Whether or not, the couple tried counseling doesn’t really matter. What it matters is the friend or family member in your life is currently dealing with a very traumatic and painful situation.

In my own marriage, we tried a lot of counseling and various therapeutic intensives. Over the course of my three and a half year marriage, we spent close to $25,000 on counseling individually and collectively.

Another important point to remember is that even after exhausting every possible means like counseling, a relationship may not be safe to rebuild or may be beyond salvageable.

3. Don't say, “We should hang out sometime.”

I remember after my divorce realizing how much free time I had and it scared me a lot. I was feeling lonely and insecure, and wondered if I would always feel this way. I woke up and went to bed alone, did the groceries and cleaning alone, and watched movies or TV shows alone in my apartment. I still did things with my family and friends, but for the first time I was learning how to live alone and be comfortable by myself.

For the sake of your divorcing friend or family member, be specific and intentional in asking them to hang out. I guarantee they want and need you to ask. But because of their grief and pain and not wanting to be a bother, they probably do not know how to ask you. So please try to initiate actual plans. I promise they need you to ask.

So, here are some helpful, supportive things you should say:

• What can I do to help you right now?
• What specifically can I pray for you about?
• I love you, and I am here for you.
• I cannot imagine the pain and hurt you must be feeling.
• I know it must feel so scary and awful right now, but I will carry the hope for you that you will not just survive, but you will thrive through this.

If you have gone through a divorce, what were some of the frustrating comments other people made to you? How did that make you feel? What were some of the most helpful, supportive things people said to you?

Whatever the reasons are for a marriage ending, those walking through that pain need support and compassion. Be that listening ear and loving place to land for a friend or family member. I promise you they need it.