Arguments: What Is Healthy and What Isn't?

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Everyone fights. It’s how you fight that really matters.

Though everyone knows healthy conflict is important, many of us don’t really have a clear idea of what it looks like. What exactly is a healthy argument? How do you recognize harmful conflict? What does this look like in romantic relationships?

Let’s explore six basic foundations of conflict where human behavior shows itself: tone of voice, body language, verbal language, personal meaning, context, and resolution. In each one, there are specific behaviors that will show if you and your significant other have healthy, normal, or detrimental conflict styles.

Tone of voice.

Everyone gets worked up at some point, and it’s normal to get emotional about some disagreements. Watch for how this emotion is expressed. If a person raises their voice but then stops for a moment to calm it down again, that’s a pretty normal thing to do. Someone who can maintain a calm, respectful volume while they’re upset will often choose to express themselves in gentle words versus tone. That’s a very responsible way to have conflict!

On the flip side, someone who doesn’t know healthy conflict will often appear out of control in their tone of voice. Perhaps they shout, growl, whisper, or squeak. Maybe they sound really condescending or accusatory with otherwise normal statements. Whatever it is, if their tone of voice seems erratic and childish, that’s a bad sign. 

Body language.

Most of us change our body language a bit in conflict, which is normal. A lot of people fold their arms, turn away, or put their hand on their head. That’s normal, but not the best option. Strive for a calm and open body language: sit beside each other instead of facing off, or take a gentle walk together while talking. Healthy couples also know when they need to take a break to cool off, and communicate that accordingly.

The warning signs with body language are pretty easy to pick up on, because often, the unhealthy arguer resembles a toddler. Pointing fingers, getting in the other’s face, shaking fists, or hitting/throwing things are all signs of unaddressed anger issues. Similarly, someone who runs away, curls up, covers their head, shuts down, or resorts instantly to crying is not in a healthy place, either. 

Verbal language.

Clarity of language is important in healthy conflict. Clearly stating the grievance and the hurt feelings is a good goal to strive for. Saying things like “This is really bothering me,” “I’m actually really upset about this,” is a good, calm way to express emotion. Using questions like “Next time, would you consider asking me before doing that?” is healthy, versus the unhealthy blaming “I can’t believe you did that without telling me!”

Language that relies on words like “Always” or “never” is usually accusatory and demeaning. Refusing to acknowledge an offense at all is also a bad sign: the person may use the silent treatment, ice someone out, or just say they’re fine when the other inquires what’s wrong.

Making it personal.

Disagreements happen most often because people feel unloved or unvalued. It’s important to be able to talk clearly about this. Using “I feel this way when you do this” type of statements is a good way to express yourself without placing blame. Couples should look to understand their personality differences and give each other the benefit of the doubt.

Unhealthy conflict instantly assumes the worst of the other, like a form of paranoia. Beware of personal attacks, blaming the other for a personality-ism or individual preference, or insulting insecurities with “low blows.” It’s possible to make things unhealthily personal about oneself too: thinking you're a failure, always to blame, can’t do anything right, etc. All of these point to an inability to handle conflict.

Bigger context.

This essentially refers to the environment and relative importance of the argument. Healthy couples prefer to let the little things go, but also try to be aware of when a little thing is actually a big thing, because they feel strongly about it. Knowing your basic values like faith, kindness, and love go a long way in evaluating how and where to handle the conflict. The other side of that coin is ignorance and lack of common moral ground.

If being five minutes late to a date throws the whole relationship into paranoia, red flag. Unhealthy conflict often includes perfectionism, unrealistic expectations, and bringing up the past with that “always” or “never” language. It’s also important to note the context of where the disagreement happens: are you both looking for a respectful time and place to talk, or is one of you making a public scene, or creating a furious attack behind closed doors? Healthy couples seek to respect each other’s dignity, not humiliate the other.

Resolutions.

A resolution should go both ways and each party should be content with it, even if there is some guilt or shame accompanying the conflict. Healthy arguers compromise when possible, and make a plan of how to avoid this in the future, if applicable. They are quick to apologize to each other and offer forgiveness when asked.

Unhealthy conflict resolution usually involves extremes and contingent forgiveness. One person might make a list of demands the other has to agree to, or make them promise to never do whatever it is again. Apologies might happen, but are paired with a “but you” statement as a self-justification. People can do this to themselves, too, trying to take 100% of the blame and claim the other person is a perfect angel while they themselves are always at fault. Sometimes, a resolution is avoided altogether because one or both parties are too afraid to talk openly together. 

So let these behaviors be your guide.

As you’ve probably guessed, sometimes really unhealthy conflict starts to edge into the territory of emotional abuse or manipulation. Unaddressed anger issues, past trauma, lack of role models, and a whole host of other issues can set people up for crossing into the line of trouble. If you have issues with conflict, the best time to address it is before you get into a serious relationship! Learning healthy conflict for yourself is much better than just looking for someone else who knows what they’re doing. Doing so sets you up to be used or to be a user, neither of which is good for a couple. Doing some work on yourself ahead of time prepares you to be a great partner for your future spouse.

Whatever your conflict looks like, just remember: healthy spouses are always working to respect, honor, and be kind to their spouse. With this list and a little self-awareness, you’re better prepared to deal with conflict in a healthy way!

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