How to Have a Fair Fight

Years ago, my first wife and I got in an argument.

I don’t even remember what it was about, but I remember as it got more heated, I made a snide, dismissive comment. She stormed out and went for a drive to blow off steam. By not mastering our tempers and forcing ourselves to be kind, we hurt each other more and are both left wounded.

Conflict in a relationship, especially a marriage, is inevitable. No couple enjoys a lifetime free of arguments. They could be about finances, jealousy, not meeting each others’ needs, raising children, or a thousand other things that tug at the fabric of a happy union. 

So the question is not if fights will happen. They will. The question is how will you fight? Dirty or fair?

That’s why even professional combat sports, like boxing and mixed martial arts (MMA), have rules. Different forms of martial arts have different rules, but there are a few universal no-no’s. It goes without saying that physical violence is never acceptable in a marriage. But the rules of professional fighting hold some lessons for how we handle conflict with our partner. 

Here are three major rules for an MMA contest:

1. You must wear gloves. 

If you must do battle, do it in a way that softens the blows. 

The last thing you want to do in a relationship is cause permanent damage. 

In an argument, choose your words wisely. Communicate your point and listen to your partner’s point, but do so with grace. As Ephesians 4:29-32 says:

“No foul language should come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for needed edification, that it may impart grace to those who hear. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with which you were sealed for the day of redemption. All bitterness, fury, anger, shouting, and reviling must be removed from you, along with all malice. [And] be kind to one another, compassionate, forgiving one another as God has forgiven you in Christ."

2. You cannot strike below the belt. 

In professional fighting, striking an opponent’s groin area is forbidden. In an emotional fight, you should be careful not to hit your opponent in their most vulnerable spot. Often we learn our partner’s sensitive areas and we hit them there on purpose because we know it will hurt the most. But that’s not what a fair fighter does. It’s definitely not what love does. “Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you know how you should respond to each one” (Colossians 4:6).

3. Never strike an opponent when he’s finished.

If an opponent has clearly stopped defending himself, there is sometimes a temptation to finish them off, securing ourselves the “win.” The opposite of this approach is mercy. We must allow ourselves to feel compassion for our sparring partner when they’re down and done. Why inflict further harm?

If we apply these rules to arguments with our loved one, we can fight “better.” After all, that is what they are: our loved one. Not an opponent to be defeated. 

As Christians, we are called to do everything—including fight—in love. 

But when we are angry and irritated, is that even possible? Ephesians 4:26 says it is: “Be angry but do not sin; do not let the sun set on your anger…” It’s okay to be mad sometimes. It’s not okay to fight dirty.

When two people marry, they become one flesh (Genesis 2:24). So, ultimately, it’s impossible to “win” a fight with your spouse. You are one flesh now so you are just fighting yourself. If they lose, so do you. Fight fair and you both will win.