To All Those Who Feel “Less Than”

If your illness or disability leaves you lonely and unloveable, this letter is for you.

Dear Reader:

You are probably feeling unworthy. As if you have far less to offer the world than everyone else around you. Any time you think about romance, you keep thinking of yourself as a burden. You feel “less than.” Maybe you’re feeling this way because of an illness. Perhaps you’ve had it your whole life, or it could be a very new diagnosis.

Maybe you’re struggling with the repercussions of an injury, accident, or traumatic event. Perhaps your mental health or addiction is causing you great pain. There’s so many different types of illness out there, and yours seems insurmountable.

So insurmountable, you ask yourself, “Should I even be dating? What can I bring to someone else when I’m such a wreck? What’s the point if I’m just going to get rejected over and over again?”

When I tell you I understand, you can take that at face value. I’ve been there. I’ve been at death’s door. I’ve seen that dark place where fear and pain encircle even the happiest of things in life. I’ve lost basic things like walking and moving. I’ve been there.

And I have good news. It gets better.

No matter how difficult things are for you right now, always remember your story has a happy ending. Jesus loves you and intends your road to bring you to Him. He is the source of joy and there is no prerequisite at all to be with Him. There’s more, too. He doesn’t intend for you to be unhappy in this life, even when you’re suffering. You can find happiness even if the pain doesn’t go away.

If you feel like you shouldn’t join online dating because you’re not worth dating at all, have hope. You are worth the search, you are worth your best efforts and the efforts of others. You are worth building a good life for yourself, even if it looks different than what you expected. You are also worth someone else wanting to be in your life, even if it looks different than what they expected, too.

If you feel too guarded to open up to anyone about your pain, have hope. Nobody is entitled to your mind, so don’t force yourself to be vulnerable with every person who comes along. But do think about and practice being vulnerable with those who have earned your trust. You can practice the skill of being vulnerable, and with time, you can discern when and to whom you should open up.

If you feel like you have nothing to bring to the table in a relationship, have hope.

You have the Faith. You have a personality. You have interests, passions, and hobbies. Focus less on what you don’t have, and more on what you do. Think and talk about what you love, make more time for that hobby, and delve into the unique things that make you you. That’s where you’ll find your strengths, not in mulling over all that you think you’re missing. 

If you believe no one out there could possibly understand you, have hope. Our fellow humans are capable of a great deal of growth. You can’t expect a date to drop into your life fully educated on your illness. But many, many people are open to learning. Give them a chance to get to know you, to ask some questions, to see how your life is a little different. Their response may surprise you.

If you’ve been rejected because someone “can’t handle you,” have hope. That person probably couldn’t handle your situation. That doesn’t mean no one out there can. The way forward is to manage your illness as much as you can on your own, and trust God to fill in your blanks. He doesn’t intend for you to be with someone as their burden, but as their spouse.

If you have no hope left, there’s still a path forward.

Allow others to hope for you. Your family, your friends, your prayer chain. Whoever it is, allow them to hope for you. You don’t have to sit and listen to their cliche advice, or believe them when they say they understand. But do let them hold out some hope for you. Our crosses were never meant to be borne alone.

Maybe, just maybe, a date will turn out to be one of those who hopes for you. Mine did, when he came along during my very lowest point. With him and many others on my side, praying and hoping when I could not, things got better. Slowly, with many bumps along the way. Now, my determinedly hopeful date and I are married with a son. 

Feeling “less than” is a long road for many of us. But roads end! Even if the pain and suffering doesn’t let up, you can still find joy. Give yourself time and lots of prayer. Work to build a good life around your limitations, however slowly it seems to be going. Hold on to hope, if you can. No matter how “less than” you feel, your worth is unchanged. I promise you, there are many good things ahead of you. Even if they look different than what you expect. But then, the best things in life are often a surprise!