I Missed My Own Wedding

How many of you missed your own wedding? Don’t be shy. Anybody? (Bueller? Bueller?)

Okay, so it’s not that common. But I still think missing your own wedding day is something everyone should consider. Hear me out! I’m not saying we should all be a bunch of Runaway Brides. What I’m talking about is my experience with this idea of weddings equaling big fancy parties. This idea is deeply ingrained in our culture, our social circles, and even, to some extent, our churches. And often, it detracts from what really matters.

Let me start over. Right when my now-husband and I got engaged, we knew we wanted a low-key wedding, sans bells and whistles. Why? I had a 50/50 shot of being healthy enough to get married, and planning a fancy party would only up the stakes. Everyone agreed a minimal, small wedding was a great idea for us and started volunteering to help. I was like, “Great, this is going to be easy with everyone on board!”

Then something interesting happened.

Most of my volunteers went through a wedding-evolution. (Wedvolution?) Although we’d agreed to a bare-bones wedding, they seemed to think I wouldn’t be happy unless the wedding had ___(fill in the blank)___. Decorations for the hall. Matching desserts. Programs. Hairdresser. Games. Favors. The priest even asked my fiancé if the bride had given permission to wear a watch in the photos.

Everyone seemed to think there was only one right way that would make me, “The Bride,” happy. Each person was coming from a good and loving place, but soon, I found myself overwhelmed by all the “necessary” details and plans being presented to me. I couldn’t stop thinking, “What happened to low-key?!”

You can guess how this ended. I got very sick the week we were supposed to get married, yet wedding plans flourished anyway. Guests flew up from across the nation, the DJ set up in the hall, and everyone dressed up and waited at the church for me to arrive.

I didn’t. I missed the entire thing. I didn’t even get the chance to say hello to my fiancé’s parents. Everyone ended up having dinner and a dance party, and went home without watching a marriage ceremony.

Strangely, this is when things took a sharp turn for the better.

Remember all the volunteers who kept adding to my “minimal” wedding? They all pulled another 180 degree spin. The priest, who had tried for hours to perfect the rehearsal without me present, suddenly told us he could reschedule to whatever day I could make it to church—he even offered to wed us at home with a special dispensation from the bishop.

The DJ sent me an email of sympathy and said he was honored to be involved, even though I wasn’t there. The hairdresser offered to come straight to my house whenever we rescheduled the wedding. The photographer said she would be there any day, any time. All the guests were incredibly understanding and everyone told me all they cared about was my health.

“This is so weird,” I thought to myself, grateful but confused. “What happened to everyone’s ideas and details?” I didn’t know whether people had believed me in the first place, when I said I would probably be too sick for a “normal” wedding, or if they recognized it only when they saw it. Either way, we firmly believe our biggest blessing during that chaotic time was how accommodating all of our family and friends were.

This experience illustrated four main concepts which are worth thinking about.

1. The wedding is NOT the marriage!

Generally, in modern society, the wedding day is considered to be the epitome of love. This is so wrong: a lifelong marriage is the epitome of love, the years of dedication and commitment “until death do us part.” Society has forgotten this. I want to urge every single one of you to remember that Sacrament of Marriage is what matters. Not the wedding thrill. If you’re planning a wedding and start to forget that, it’s time to cut things down.

2. A wedding should always be able to be postponed in an emergency.

I heard of a wedding once where the groom’s three sisters were killed in a freak car accident on their way to the rehearsal. And the wedding STILL HAPPENED. Why? The bride and groom couldn’t reschedule with the wedding planners because contracts were too expensive. That’s nuts! Is a location, a date, or a theme more important than deaths in the family? Society pushes weddings as the biggest events in life. It’s time we stop falling for that fallacy.

3. Even the best of people, including family and friends, can fall for the idea that you won't be happy without ___(fill in the blank)___.

This can be for any number of reasons, such as wanting to take work off the couple’s plate, subconsciously projecting their desires onto a bride, or just getting carried away in the general thrill of weddings. It’s all coming from a good place, but it can get out of control fast. It can also put a lot of pressure on the couple to try to please everyone involved. If you know what you want, or what you don’t want, just say so.

4. Stop putting the bride on a pedestal.

Ever get the feeling that “The Bride” becomes a title with its own ominous music? Let’s fix that. Brides-to-be: you are not suddenly the center of the universe. Everyone else: get over the idea that the bride suddenly turns into a princess. Nobody needs to bend over backwards to please The Bride, and the bride isn’t entitled to “perfection.” She’s a normal human person, and both she and everyone else should act that way.

We did finally get married several weeks later.

It turned out to be exactly the intimate, low-key wedding we originally wanted. Would I have liked to be there the first time we planned to marry? Yes. Am I grateful for the disaster it became? Weirdly enough, also yes.

This weird paradox affirmed my belief that weddings aren’t shows or performance. Our modern society tells us the wedding is the pinnacle of your love, and you can measure it by size, price tag, dresses, dates, or perfection. We all know that doesn’t matter. What matters is the Sacrament. What matters is that you and your spouse start your lives as one. Keep that in mind the next time you’re at a wedding, in a wedding, or when you’re planning your own.