5 Ways for Single Men to Stand Out in the (Catholic) Dating World

15

Struggling to find a spouse can be extremely discouraging.

Most of us begin to dream of love well before we’re old enough to actively begin the great search for that half-known heart to match our own. And for many, the search itself takes years. Tragically, we often rest the dream on someone who is not ultimately fitting, only to have the vision shattered, and these repeated failures only add to the difficulty of the wait.

As months turn into years and failed relationships follow one upon the other, a man or woman may fall almost into a kind of despair of ever getting married. The dream begins to fade inside the heart like a once-cherished but long-neglected painting hanging in a back room.

Knowing how best to respond to this trial and frustration presents another difficulty in itself. But we should never despair. This article provides one suggestion for responding to this challenge, and though addressed primarily to men, the basic idea applies to women as well. 

While it is impossible to change God’s timing, we can make ourselves more appealing to a potential spouse while also making good use of the wait we must endure. Like it or not, dating involves a certain amount of competition, and working to stand out from the crowd is never a bad idea. It also provides you with a worthwhile task to direct your energies to during the waiting period.

So men, here are several ways to stand out in the Catholic dating world.

But first, in order to get the most out of the list, you may need to shift your mindset. Try thinking more about what you can give than what you can get. Rather than becoming frustrated with all the women who fall short of your hopes, consider in what ways you may be falling short yourself. This is not fun or pleasant for any of us, and my goal is not to criticize anyone, but merely to provide friendly encouragement. Any man worth his salt can see that taking steps to stand out in the dating arena is a worthwhile challenge that he can embrace. 

The work you put into improving yourself now not only increases your chances of matching up with the woman you’ve dreamed of but also constitutes a gift to her when you do find her. By improving yourself now, you are providing her with a better husband in the future. It’s that simple.

1. Get your spiritual life in order.

The good Catholic women out there are looking for men who are virtuous, or at least striving for virtue. Naturally, snagging a girl shouldn’t be the primary motive for working on your spiritual life, but it is true that virtue makes you stand out. Consider it a bonus. What does this mean in practical terms? Here are a few ideas (I am no priest—these are merely suggestions, so judge accordingly): 

  • Stay in the state of grace. Sins of impurity are going to be particularly damaging to your efforts to have a successful dating relationship that can culminate in marriage.
  • Stay close to the sacraments. Frequent Confession and frequent Communion are the bedrock of spiritual growth. 
  • Set aside time for spiritual reading and prayer every day. I recommend the Rosary in particular. It works best to pick a set time that you will do reading and praying, otherwise they tend to slip through the cracks. I frequently get to the end of the day and realize that I found time for everything except God. Did I really spend 30 minutes on YouTube watching videos of pandas, but I couldn’t find time for 30 minutes with God? I know pandas are cute, but there’s a real problem here. In the end, it’s all a question of priorities and getting them straight.
  • Focus on correcting your faults. I recommend something like the Monk Manual planner as a way to track what virtues you’re trying to work on and what faults you’re trying to correct. The Monk Manual also doubles as a calendar, journal, to-do list, etc. So that’s helpful.

2. Be a gentleman.

This means more than just holding doors, being polite, and, yes, paying for her meal (seriously, men, simple as this may seem, it does matter because it shows that you are generous and you are willing and able to provide for her in bigger ways down the road). I wrote an entire article on the topic of true gentlemanly behavior here at CatholicMatch, which you can check out here.

In short, a gentleman must first be a man, which includes certain elements of toughness, competitiveness, and even aggression. But he must be gentle, meaning that these parts of his nature are totally under control and directed solely to good ends, like, for instance, improving himself, standing up for his beliefs, or protecting the people he loves. 

3. Have dating courage.

Of course, courage in general is always attractive. But in addition to that general type, I’m referring to a specific type of courage here (I’m calling it “dating courage”). It means having the guts to put your ego on the line and not fear moving the relationship forward in a way that is clear to the woman in question.

It’s easy to stay in the realm of “hanging out” or the realm of just messaging online or over text. These are great places to start. But if you are truly interested in her, don’t keep her guessing. Make it clear to her. Take the leap. Ask for a phone call. Or, if circumstances permit, ask her out on a date. You don’t have to be certain that things will work out. You just have to know that you like her enough to try it out and see what God has in store.

I really recommend using the word “date” when you ask her out. Even if the circumstances make it obvious that you are asking her on a date, using the word will provide her with a great deal of clarity. It makes it apparent that you want to pursue a romantic relationship and this isn’t merely a friendly get-together— something in the vague “hanging out” realm. This takes courage because while she may like hanging out as friends, she may not want to date you, and using the word “date” will force the issue. But she will respect you for making your intentions clear, even if she says no.

In a sense, it’s not fair to a woman to remain in the “hanging out” realm and “pseudo-date” her without actually using the term. This is because she may not feel comfortable saying no to get-togethers as long as you are technically just friends, even though she may not want to date you. Or, conversely, she may really like you but feel unable to express that.

As long as you leave things vague, she doesn’t have the freedom to tell you how she really views your relationship. This can be a painful and awkward situation for her. It is unfair because you get to see her without risking rejection while she is left caught in the middle and uncertain.

So take the risk. Even if she says no, it’s worth it. At least then you’ll both have clarity.

The same general advice applies later in the relationship. If you believe she’d make a good wife, if you struggle to envision life without her, if you love her, if you’ve prayed about it and feel at peace with the idea, you should consider just proposing. Don’t leave her wondering where things are heading. Of course, every situation is different, but I recommend providing her with as much clarity as possible. 

4. Be a leader.

Good Catholic women want men who will take some initiative and shoulder the responsibility of leadership. “Relationship leadership” relates closely to the idea of “dating courage” described above. Relationship leadership means making plans and not putting all the pressure of decision-making on your date. That would be a false kind of chivalry that really boils down to laziness or fear. It is actually more courteous to have a plan and stick to it than to waffle about what to do, assuming she doesn’t object to what you have in mind.

An example will help illustrate this. Let’s say you’ve taken the advice in #3 to heart and you plan to ask out the girl you’ve been talking to on CatholicMatch. You call her up and ask her if she’d like to go on a date. She says sure (of course!) and asks what you have in mind. You mumble something about not being sure and ask her if she has any ideas.

Suddenly, all the burden is on her, and she doesn’t feel that she can look to you to take the initiative, even though that is traditionally the man’s role on a date. You’re also asking her to take on the responsibility for the possibility that the date activity may turn out badly in some way.

Rather than this, try to have all the details of the date carefully planned so that you don’t put her in an awkward position, leave anything unclear, or inconvenience her. You must own the plan you make for the date and the risks involved. This will show that she can trust you to shoulder responsibility for bigger things if the relationship progresses.

Embracing leadership does not entail ignoring all her wishes and demanding complete control over every aspect of the relationship. On the contrary, the job of leaders is to serve others, not to serve themselves. It means that you always seek to guide the relationship towards what is best for her. This requires listening, consulting, praying, thinking, and a great deal of humility and detachment from your own ideas. 

5. Stay fit and dress well.

Studies have shown that a man’s personality is more important than his looks when it comes to overall attractiveness. An international YouGov survey, for example, found that 91% of British women value a man’s personality over his looks when rating his attractiveness (interestingly, sense of humor comes next after personality and looks in women’s priorities—so brush up on your wittiness, I guess). This, of course, is the way it should be. But that doesn’t mean we should neglect the body entirely. 

Fitness has an important role in making you marriage-material, but the primary reason, in this writer’s opinion, is not because it makes your T-shirt sleeves tighter. When you apply the giving-mindset rather than the getting-mindset, it’s easy to see why you’d want to provide your future wife with a healthy, fit husband. Your strength should serve others, your wife most of all. If you’re physically fit, you’re better able to protect and provide (and rearrange her furniture for her again. And again. And again).

If you’re healthy, you’ll make her life happier and easier. Men should be strong and healthy, if possible, in order to better fulfill their duties. Vanity should have nothing to do with it. Service and sacrifice should have everything to do with it. In addition, as Christian men, we are called to subjugate our bodies in order to avoid sin and draw closer to God, and a fitness routine helps one maintain dominance over any unruly bodily passions.

Why does dress matter? Consider that most women pay a lot of attention to fashion, not just for themselves but for men as well. It matters to them, and if you make an effort, they will likely notice. In addition, the way you dress says a lot about you. Dressing well demonstrates confidence in yourself and can even change how you feel about yourself and how people perceive you. It also shows respect and consideration for others (they have to look at you, after all). In his Introduction to the Devout Life, St. Francis de Sales writes: 

For my own part I should like my devout man or woman to be the best dressed person in the company, but the least fine or splendid, and adorned, as St. Peter says, with “the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit.” St. Louis said that the right thing is for every one to dress according to his position, so that good and sensible people should not be able to say they are over-dressed, or younger gayer ones that they are under-dressed. But if these last are not satisfied with what is modest and seemly, they must be content with the approbation of the elders.

I won’t presume to add to the words of a saint. You can’t go wrong with clean, classic dressing, neither overdone nor underdone. And nice, stylish shoes really matter for some reason, apparently. It’s true. I’ve asked my wife. But that’s another article.

Again, the risk of vanity looms large here. That’s why I put virtue and spiritual life as priority #1.

Lab-tested?

I showed this list to my wife, mother-in-law, and sister-in-law, and they strongly agreed with the points made above. Of course, this doesn’t make the list “lab-tested,” but it does provide some degree of objectivity and female insight.

Hopefully, by thinking about dating from the perspective of what you can give rather than what you can get, your time spent seeking a wife can be not only more fruitful, but also more encouraging. This time of waiting, seeking, and hoping is not a waste. It’s a beautiful opportunity God has given you to prepare for the vocation of marriage. 

So here’s your mission: make yourself into the kind of man who is everything your future wife is dreaming of.

Find Your Forever.

CatholicMatch is the largest and most trusted
Catholic dating site in the world.

Get Started for Free!CatholicMatch
— This article has been read 2183 times —