What Is Standing in the Way of Your Prayer?

9

The room buzzes with the chatter of engaged couples.

They’re awaiting the start of their marriage preparation retreat. The retreat team is gathering, ready to begin the orientation. There is a pleasant, relaxed, joyful atmosphere in the room. The team leader welcomes everyone and opens the orientation.

Then she exclaims, “One thing we want to stress during this retreat is the importance of praying together as a couple. So we’re going to give you opportunities after each talk to spend some time in the chapel praying together.”

The mood in the room changes subtly but perceptibly. There’s a little more tension. Some of the men cross their arms. They exchange uncomfortable looks with their fiancées. A few of the women look a little tense too. 

It’s OK. The retreat team has come to expect the tension. They know that most of the couples will resist the idea of praying together as a couple. They offer lots of direction to make it easier.

Why are so many couples—married, engaged, or dating—so uncomfortable with couple prayer? Let’s explore three obstacles that couples may face when it comes to praying together. We’ll also examine some practical ways to get past each barrier.

There’s no doubt about the benefits of praying together as a couple. Overcoming these obstacles will be worth the effort.

Obstacle 1: Feelings of vulnerability.

This obstacle may be your first thought when faced with the idea of praying together. Praying out loud in the presence of another person is an intimate act. It places your Faith, your relationship with God, in the spotlight for someone else to see. It can also reveal innermost movements of your heart. Prayer is a time to pour out your weakness, need, and concern to God. This vulnerability is genuine. It’s not a figment of our imaginations. That makes praying together as a couple kind of scary!

How do we overcome this obstacle? First, recognize couple prayer as an opportunity to grow in intimacy over time. Intimacy—in-depth knowledge of each other—is one of the goals of marriage. Most couples reach a plateau of intimacy and struggle to grow further. They often express this plateau as not “feeling as close” to each other as they once did. What appears to be an obstacle is, in reality, a benefit! 

You can also overcome this obstacle by developing intimacy within your relationship in other ways. Make deep, meaningful conversations a regular part of your relationship. Learn how to ask probing questions of each other. Practice active listening skills. Take a real interest in each other’s lives. Growing in intimacy will make praying together less scary.

Obstacle 2: Not knowing what to say.

The next obstacle is realizing that intimate prayer means praying in your own words. Rote prayer fills the Catholic spiritual tradition. Reciting the Lord’s Prayer or the Hail Mary is comforting to us. We find our rhythm in liturgical prayer. We’re happy to read prayers from a good prayer book.

We’re not so comfortable using our own words in prayer because it’s not part of our usual experience. So we don’t know what to say. We get tongue-tied. We worry that we’ll sound ridiculous. 

The primary way to overcome this obstacle is to take it slow. Don’t set the expectation that your entire prayer time be spontaneous, conversational prayer. Start with the familiar. The Church recommends starting every prayer with rote prayer. Saints write these prayers to draw us into the Mystery of the Faith.

The Lord’s Prayer is especially powerful. What better words to use in your prayer than those given to us by Jesus Christ Himself? So recite the familiar prayers together, but say them slowly. Focus on the meaning of the words. Then talk about what lines or messages from these prayers hold the most meaning to you.

We are all familiar with prayers of intercession. Begin sharing your needs. Pray for each other using the usual pattern from the Holy Mass. End your time of prayer together with a brief prayer using your own words.

Obstacle 3: Feeling spiritually inadequate.

The last obstacle is that we’re afraid that praying with someone else will expose inadequacies in our faith. We all feel spirituality inadequate at times. It can be a real challenge to admit we don’t always have it all together. It can especially be a challenge when we perceive our spouse to be spiritually stronger than we are.

You may struggle because you haven’t really been taking your faith seriously up until now. Sometimes, people live a shallow faith until they meet that special someone who spurs them to greater devotion. You may not know your faith as much as you should. You may even have sins you’re struggling with, sins that you find embarrassing. Praying with someone else may also expose that we are powerless in a given situation. From a human point-of-view, this is a difficult thing to admit to someone. 

To overcome this obstacle, you need to first realize that living the faith doesn’t mean being a saint right away. It means becoming a saint—working towards it. Are you powerless in the situation you’re praying about? Perfect! Rely on God’s strength together. Are you sinful, ignorant, or weak in faith? Great! Let God transform your heart and mind as you pray. 

Jesus invites us all to a constant process of transformation and growth. Your current level of holiness is less important than the fact that you’re growing. Prayer is a vital part of that growth. So don’t give up on prayer because you’re not holy enough. Look at couple prayer as an opportunity to help each other grow in the Faith.

Don’t forget that your relationship and your transformation to holiness are all empowered by grace. 

The Sacramental grace of Holy Matrimony is more than God’s help to get you through the trials of married life. The real purpose of the grace of marriage is to transform your heart so you can love as Jesus loves.

Sacramental grace can help you love each other more perfectly. It can open your hearts in love to accept children. It will train your hearts to love your children with charity. It can deepen your spiritual lives together, so you grow in your love for God. Praying together as a couple is cooperating with marital grace. Prayer allows grace to transform your hearts. 

Couples who are discerning marriage can use this time to open their hearts to that grace. Praying together as a couple now disposes your soul to receive the full grace of Holy Matrimony. God won’t wait until the Sacrament to give you grace, either. He will give you “actual grace” to build up your relationship in preparation for marriage. Grace can help you pray together, and praying together opens you to grace.

The key to overcoming these obstacles is not expecting immediate perfection. Take things one step at a time. Confront your discomfort and slowly work toward more intimate prayer together. Discover the benefits of couple prayer!

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