Have you ever wondered how St. Joseph courted Mother Mary?
What did that look like?
It’s a wild thought, but they didn’t just go from meeting one another to betrothal. There were steps in between those two events.
As men, how can we date as St. Joseph would have?
The Church considers St. Joseph to be the exemplar of six particular virtues. He is considered to be the most just, the most chaste, the most prudent, the most strong, the most obedient, and the most faithful. Knowing this, we have the keys to understanding how St. Joseph would date—and, therefore, how we should date.
Just:
When St. Joseph found out that Mary was pregnant, what do you think he was thinking? Matthew’s Gospel gives us clues that he tried to separate from her quietly, unwilling to put her to shame. For me, I’ve always assumed that St. Joseph automatically thought Mary slept with another man. However, being a decent guy he saved her from the capital punishment that came with committing adultery. Yeah, people would stone women to death for that back then. Pretty crazy, right?
This isn’t the most common interpretation, though. Most people in the Church believe that St. Joseph tried to divorce Mary because he assumed the best in her—he believed her—but out of reverence felt unworthy to be with her. We have a lot to learn from this particular response.
When you’ve been wronged in a relationship, how have you acted? Did you assume the worst in your girlfriend? Did you gossip about her to a friend? When I learned that St. Joseph might have actually believed Mary about her pregnancy, I clenched up. That’s definitely not how I would have responded.
Love isn’t a matter of if you’ll get hurt. It’s a matter of when. We need to be men who respond justly. And what is “justly?” It’s certainly not punishment like we might assume as the 2021 American men that we are. It’s doing what we should, not necessarily what we feel. Treating a woman with justice means maintaining reverence for her despite the presence of conflict.
Chaste:
When you’re married to the Perpetual Virgin, that kind of means you’re also a perpetual virgin. I don’t like the depictions of St. Joseph as an old man. Neither do a lot of the saints. It’s too easy of a copout.
St. Joseph was likely a young man. He was likely super stoked to be married to a woman he was likely super attracted to. However, he provided for Mary entirely above reproach or suspicion. He had no ulterior motives at all, certainly no utilitarian motives. He provided purely out of selfless love. He wasn’t worried about what he could get from Mary but merely what he could give to her.
When we date, we need to be men who give and don’t count the costs. We need to be men who provide and expect nothing in return. We need to be men who fight for both our purity and the purity of the women in our lives.
Even within marriage, we need to remain chaste. Not abstinent but chaste. We can’t expect to suddenly live chastely within marriage if we’re unwilling to live chastely as we date. That’s not how virtue works. It’s something that has to be exercised. In order to live a marriage full of life and respect for one another, we need to practice chastity as we date.
Prudent:
Prudence has a bad connotation. “Prude” is a derogatory term thrown around for guys or girls who run away from showing affection. Prudence isn’t timidity, though. Prudence is the ability to know what to do in a situation, how to do it, and when to do it.
Matthew’s Gospel has numerous examples of St. Joseph acting prudently. He always acts swiftly, decisively, and accurately whenever prompted by the Holy Spirit. Think about it: he decides to keep Mary as his wife, to take her to Bethlehem, to take both her and their newborn to Egypt, and then to move them back to Nazareth. That’s a lot of big decisions!
St. Joseph was never timid, though. He was never wishy-washy, half in half out. He was a man of decision and boldness. We can certainly be better about that as men. In the Age of Noncommitment, we need to be men who listen for God and then follow what He says.
I think it’s important to note that St. Joseph wasn’t impulsive. He was prudent. Even his decision to send Mary away quietly wasn’t an impulsive decision. Like I mentioned, that decision was born from pondering and gradual resolve. However, when he comes to a conclusion, he acts. He doesn’t waste time, because wasting his time is wasting Mary’s time—and, therefore, wasting Christ’s time. The reverence he holds for his wife helps him to move when he should. When it comes time to make decisions in our dating relationships, let’s make them and stick to them.
Strong:
St. Joseph is the epitome of strength, and strength is the virtue we tend to most associate with masculinity. But what is actual strength? It’s not muscular strength…although who doesn’t want to be yoked?
Actual strength is born from the spirit. It’s the ability to resist temptation and fight for the good. In today’s age, porn and masturbation are the biggest attacks on men’s spiritual strength. The degree to which we can be strong against sexual temptation is the degree to which we can be strong for our girlfriends and wives. When we’re weak in these areas of temptation, that needs to be a red flag that we have things we need to get in order. If the man of the family isn’t in order, then the family cannot be in order. The family goes where he goes.
If these are struggles of yours, there are countless resources to help you. Take advantage. Work your spirit out. Get strong. It starts now while you’re dating.
Porn and masturbation aren’t the only things we can be tempted in. I get frustrated that we only focus on those things when we talk to men. It makes people who don’t struggle with porn ironically feel weird for not struggling with it. If you don’t struggle with porn, hear this: you’re not weird. You’ve been given strength! There might be other areas you can be stronger in, though. Find those and work your spirit out.
Obedient:
St. Joseph retreated 430 miles to Egypt, a land in which his ancestors were persecuted for over 200 years.
This wasn’t I-5, San Diego to San Francisco, or I-65, Chicago to Nashville. Nah uh. His road was unpaved, in desert heat, for a full month with a tiny infant who—oh yeah—was GOD.
He also did this in a time when it was taboo for people to move. Your land was your land. For generations. You didn’t move. St. Joseph was extreme. We need to go to extreme lengths to be obedient to Christ.
That means also being obedient to Christ’s Bride, the Church. The more obedient we are to the Church, the better men we are for our women. Also, the more obedient we are to the Church the more our relationships will reflect the relationship of Jesus and His Bride, a relationship of true love.
Study what the Church teaches about love and conform your relationships to it. Keep learning more. There’s an endless spring of wisdom that She offers us.
Faithful:
The reason we don’t hear a lot about St. Joseph isn’t because he wasn’t important, but because of how humble and faithful he was. He was faithful in providing for the Holy Family and leading them. He was faithful in his work, in his marriage, and in his fatherhood.
So many problems in today’s society are because men have failed to be faithful. The wounds of an absent father or an absent husband have dire consequences, not just for the family involved. The most manly thing we can do is commit to our loved ones and be faithful. We can only love as deeply as we commit. If you’re dating someone, be faithful to her. When you want to take that relationship to the next level, remain faithful to her. Be there. Always.
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