5 Pieces of Advice That Will Change the Way You Date (For the Better)!

Are you sick of online dating?

Every now and again I’ll hear someone talk about how much someone “hates” online dating. (Sometimes it’s even loud and clear on the person’s online dating profile!) 

So naturally I, ever a contrarian, then feel compelled to ask, “Well what about it do you hate? The part where you have access to literally thousands (if not more) of single people you’d never otherwise have contact with? The part where you can control the first impression you present in a way you’d never be able to do in traditional dating settings? Or is it the part where you can do so all in the comfort of your own home—even from your bed (or toilet…)?”

Of course, the actual reason typically has something to do with the interacting-with-people-online-in-a romantic-context part. So I’d like to offer a solution: when online dating, spend as little time in the “online” part of that as possible. Or, perhaps more to the point: don’t wait to go out on a first date.

1. Don’t fall in love with a profile.

To be fair to all my online dating haters out there—and particularly the ones who nonetheless gamely persist in spite of their disdain—trying to find romance via the internet does have particular challenges compared to meeting people in real life, especially if you’re looking for a meaningful, long term relationship.

Perhaps the biggest issue as I see it is the other blade on the (snarkily) aforementioned double-edged sword: given that we all have the ability to perfectly fine-tune our profiles, you kind of have to assume whoever you’re talking to is, well, so much cooler online.

And even then that mindset still can’t always keep us from forming potentially skewed or even altogether erroneous impressions of love interests based upon the fairly superficial elements initially presented. Photos, profile prompts, texts, and even longer-form messages and introductions are certainly better than nothing, but oftentimes they tell you how good (or bad) someone is at PR and personal brand marketing as much as what he or she is actually like in real life.

The fact of the matter is, until we actually meet someone in real life, we risk falling in love with a dating profile as opposed to an actual person.

2. Real life: accept no substitutes.

Love, at first sight, may or may not be a real thing. But it’s frequently amazing to me how much you can learn about someone when you see them in real life for the first time—and even in just a few short moments. 

I’m sorry to say there have been some dates I’ve been on that I could have ended after five minutes, because it was obvious enough at that point that we weren’t a good match. Sure, some of that is basic visual attraction, but much of it is actually rather subtle, like the way she carries herself, communicates verbally and non-verbally, the way she treats other people in public…or even how inebriated she is already when I first show up…

Conversely, there have been some dates that have shown up and were even more attractive than I could have expected, and that was obvious almost immediately. The fact of the matter is that when we meet someone at a party, church, a bar, or the dog park, even for a few minutes, we sometimes have a much better idea about what chemistry we might have together than if we were to chat with each other online for months.

In other words, there is simply no substitute for meeting in real life. So just do it—and do it pretty much as soon as possible.

3. De-mystify the first date.

If you’re meeting someone for the first time—as in, you literally have never even seen them in real life, even for a moment—I’d suggest thinking about this date as Date Zero, as opposed to the first date, to take a page from P.J. Fleck.

The thing is, like it or not, we put all sorts of pressure on a *First Date*, and perhaps rightfully so. I’m guilty myself of putting more time and even emotional energy into deciding a place for a first date than I probably should, even down to which part of the restaurant I want to be seated.

But dates without any previous real life interaction are dramatically different animals than your typical first date. To put it bluntly, neither of you are or even can be sure you actually like each other before you actually meet. Heck, you can’t even be certain this person actually exists!

For this reason, I’ll typically try to make Date Zero as casual and easy as possible, even to the point of building in a natural exit point fairly early on. In part, you want both of you to feel free to bail as soon as possible, if it became clear either of you had seen (or heard) enough. Coffee or happy hour dates, which can last 90 minutes or less, can help ensure you can go out on multiple “first” dates with different people, if necessary, without blowing your bank account or overloading your social calendar.

It’s also possible you might be a great match but still need some time to get to know each other first, and that can sometimes be better in smaller doses and without the typical First Date pressure. 

Let’s be honest, real dating—and romance—begins only when both parties have decided they actually like each other. And that sometimes doesn’t begin until after the often-awkward first meeting.

4. What about long distance?

One of the particular benefits of online dating is the pool of candidates at your disposal is typically dramatically deeper than you’d otherwise have available. The catch, of course, is that oftentimes the extra people swimming in that pool live further away than those you’d typically meet at the local grocery store. And if your new internet crush lives 1,000 miles away, that means you simply can’t take the Date Zero approach with them like you could with someone who lives 10 miles away. Or can you?

Modern technology provides all sorts of ways to gather Date Zero data with someone from the comfort of your own home. Phone calls and Video calls allow you to interact in real-time and get a much more real sense of someone and his or her personality than texting or emails. 

I recently had a woman suggest a video call with me after just a few messages, six days apart (and before I had done even the most basic Instagram stalking!). I had literally no expectations, but I also had 45 minutes to kill. We ended up talking the entire time, and it felt too short. 

I had another woman just up and video call me without notice. We had a nice enough conversation for 5-10 minutes, and I never heard from her again, even after I followed up a couple of times. For her, that was enough, and for me, well, at least I didn’t spend more than 5-10 minutes trying harder.

Ultimately, however, even video chats are no substitute for the real thing. If nothing else, there’s a sense of commitment involved in going out to happy hour with someone someplace in a way there isn’t even with a 45-minute video chat. But even more so, relationships are nothing without real, human interaction in real-life environs, and they certainly don’t happen in a vacuum.

For this reason, I recommend meeting long-distance crushes as soon as practically possible but with the same caveats: allow for as little commitment and pressure on the meeting as possible. One way to do this is to think of the trip as a vacation with a short date right at the beginning. If the date goes well, you can agree on a 2nd. And if it goes poorly, you’re already prepared to make the most of it and enjoy your trip without feeling like it was a waste. Heck, you could even hop back on the dating app and find someone new before you return home.

5. Get out there and meet somebody.

I might be in the weird minority of people who actually really enjoy the online dating thing, and perhaps even a little too much. But whether you love it or hate it, it’s important to not get to wrapped up in the process and mechanisms of it all. 

I know I need a reminder on the occasion that the point of it all is not to constantly have a bunch of dating options at my fingertips. The point is to actually meet somebody and leave all the other options behind!

So yes, utilize the amazing tools that allow for quick and easy access to thousands of single people, and do your best to make a first impression. But then get out there and actually date somebody.