3 Important Things to Consider Before You Say "I Do" a Second Time
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Divorce is a terrible scourge and after going through it once, who the heck wants to repeat that devastating experience? That is a question that makes a whole lot of sense, but for some bizarre reason, people tend to remarry only to divorce again. Statistics reveal 60-70% of second marriages fail. Heartbreaking!
So, if you're looking to get married a second time, I'd like to share some important things with you that were immensely helpful to me when I, as a formerly divorced Catholic, was engaged to be married a second time.
But first, I'd like to clear up a common misunderstanding.
Many Catholics who have never been divorced (praise God!) sometimes get hung up on semantics. They say that if a couple's marriage was declared invalid through the annulment process, they can't get "remarried" because they were never really married in the first place.
In the spiritual realm, this is true. But the practical factor that tends to gloss over is that despite the declaration of invalidity, the couple still lived a real marriage relationship (albeit putative). They were recognized by society as a married couple. They had children, a home, a mini van, a dog...
The Church recognizes that this was a reality in their lives, which is why getting married after divorce and annulment is acknowledged to be a "second" marriage.
That being said, here are three key points you need to know before you say I do a second time.
1. Make sure you truly understand why you want to be married again.
...and be completely honest with yourself about it. Is it just because you want to be married? Some people are just in love with the idea of being married and that is a hazard to having a successful marriage. Are you marrying to spite your ex-spouse? Yet another bad reason to get married. Do you want to get married so you can prove to yourself or others that you are worthy of being married? These questions may sound harsh, but they are all the wrong reasons to marry again.
The key is to make sure you are getting married because a) you are confident that is your calling in life, and b) because you want to bring into being a permanent, exclusive marriage that is open to life.
Another important aspect of this is to not go into a marriage thinking, "He/she will make me happy." Both spouses should approach marriage desiring to make the other happy. That's what creates harmony in the relationship.
2. Have the two of you discussed what the word "commitment" means to you?
This is critical because, as long as the no-fault divorce laws are in place, the option to divorce is always there. So, what are your non-negotiables?
People end up saying, "I didn't sign up for this!" But actually, (barring abusive marriages, of course) they did sign up for it when they took their vows. Have a discussion about what would bring you to the point of making that statement and then, talk about how you could make it work if indeed it came to that.
For example, if your spouse is diagnosed with a debilitating disease and ends up in a wheelchair needing 24/7 care and you are faced with being the caretaker, would that make you say, "I didn't sign up for this"? Or if you as a couple face complete financial disaster and money is scarce for a long time, is that grounds for leaving?
If so, it's important to think about the vows you will take on your wedding day and make sure you can confidently speak them...for better, for worse; for richer, for poorer; in sickness and in health; 'til death do us part. Those vows mean you stick together.
3. Don't compare yourselves as a couple to other couples.
This is such a common mistake that has an emotionally detrimental aspect to it. You may observe other couples who seem perfect or like they have it all together. And while that may be true in certain aspects, it's not 100% true. There is no perfect marriage because none of us are perfect.
One couple may not have the same struggles as you do, but believe me, they have struggles. If they've been married for a long time, it usually means they have learned to work through their struggles and continue on. So don't compare yourselves to other couples, just love each other to the best of your ability.
In the end, love is great, but it definitely takes a lot of work and firm commitment. With God's grace, I've been remarried for 17 years and my husband and I have definitely had our share of ups and downs, but the relationship we have now is far richer and stronger than when we first started out. Let those marital difficulties serve as exercises that improve your love.
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