What Are Men Looking For in a Wife?

There will, of course, be some variation in the answer to this question, “What are men looking for in a wife?”

Different men look for different things in a potential spouse. However, some traits are universally sought after by men, and some traits will, in all cases, make a woman both attractive to men and objectively well-suited to the vocation of marriage.

The four key traits listed here are not meant to be exhaustive nor exclusive, but they will help begin to answer the question posed in the title of this post. (Note, also, that some of these traits are good and desirable traits for both women and men hoping to get married.)

1. Femininity and Beauty

Men—particularly Catholic men—are attracted to women who fully embrace their womanhood. Much is contained in that term, womanhood, of course, and it can’t be fully discussed here (and I am poorly qualified to explain it, since I’m not a woman!). But the important thing to know is that a feminine woman stands out more and more, particularly in modern culture, which seeks to blur or even erase the lines between the sexes.

Men are attracted to women because they are different from themselves, and women have a unique beauty in their female nature and vocation.

Catholic men do not (or at least shouldn’t) seek wives who try to behave like men simply because that is what feminist culture tells women to do. A woman who understands and lives the Christian idea of complementarianism—the belief that men and women have equal dignity but distinctly different and complementary roles in marriage and society—will be much better prepared for marriage than a woman who does not.

Femininity means embracing womanhood and its distinctive nobility and avoiding the feminist trap that suggests the only valuable way to behave and the only valuable jobs to do are the masculine ones.

I have discussed the role of beauty in dating in another post, but a few points should be mentioned here. Yes, men, as a rule, hope for wives who are beautiful. There’s simply no denying that. But that doesn’t mean a woman must look like a movie star to attract a man. There are many types of beauty, and they will appeal to different types of men. Further, embracing femininity in her appearance makes any woman more physically beautiful to a man. Lastly, physical beauty isn’t the only—or even the most important—type of beauty that wise men look for in a wife.

2. Conscientiousness and Self-Control

Naturally, men should be looking for women who will work with them to achieve a successful marriage. That’s one definition of a good spouse, after all: someone who will be part of a successful marriage. So one answer to our question of what men are looking for in a wife is this: a woman with traits that make for a strong marriage.

Fortunately, we know empirically what some of those traits are. Multiple studies have taken a sample of long-and-happily-wed couples to determine what traits brought about their success in marriage. The two traits that stand out in the research are self-control and conscientiousness. 

Self-control is a major part of virtue and rationality. Someone with self-control doesn’t just act on emotion or impulse, but thinks things through, and restrains desires that may not be reasonable or virtuous. The connection to fidelity in marriage, here, is obvious. In the context of fidelity, one spouse trusts the other more if they know they have self-control.

But there are many other ways that self-control is beneficial in marriage, not least of which is that self-control is close to self-sacrifice, which every spouse is constantly called upon to practice in marriage, focusing on the good of the other over self.

Conscientiousness is the personality trait of being responsible, organized, hard-working, and adhering to rules. We might also say that it involves being aware of how your actions affect others. Researchers have found that this trait plays a role in correcting relationship mistakes, problem-solving, and relationship satisfaction. So men want someone who will be willing to do the work required to work through issues in the relationship.

3. A Willingness to Work at the Relationship

The discussion of conscientiousness brings us to point #3. A successful marriage requires work from both spouses. Thus men are looking for (or should be looking for) women who will be willing to make this effort. While it may not sound romantic to talk about the “work” of maintaining a relationship, the truth is that this “work”—or better, “labor of love”—is probably the most important factor in a successful marriage. The effort put into the relationship is even more important than the personalities of the two people involved.

In other words, finding the exact “right” person with the perfect “match” for your temperament is less important for the overall success of the marriage than simply the constant effort to maintain and improve the relationship, regardless of what the spouses’ personalities are. It’s less about what you “get” than what you do with what you get.

The research backs this up as well. A study published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences that analyzed over 11,000 couples shows that the overall quality of your relationship is a stronger predictor of relationship satisfaction than individual differences that might distance you.

Samantha Joel, the study’s lead, observes, “The person we choose is not nearly as important as the relationship we build…It really seems that having a great relationship is less about finding the perfect partner or changing your current partner, and more about building that relationship itself—setting up the conditions that will allow the relationship to flourish.” While similar interests and personality play a role in relationship connection, of course, they pale in comparison to the will to love and therefore continue to work on the relationship.

If the scientific approach to this question is not persuasive—and certainly science can never fully understand the mysteries of the heart—we can turn to the advice of a wise and artistic man. J.R.R. Tolkien wrote a letter to his son about marriage and the relationship between the sexes. He makes a very similar point—about how success in marriage comes from commitment more than finding that “perfect match.” Here is an excerpt:

When the glamour wears off, or merely works a bit thin, [newlyweds] think they have made a mistake, and that the real soul-mate is still to find. The real soul-mate too often proves to be the next sexually attractive person that comes along. Someone whom they might indeed very profitably have married, if only –. Hence divorce, to provide the ‘if only’.

And of course, they are as a rule quite right: they did make a mistake. Only a very wise man at the end of his life could make a sound judgment concerning whom, amongst the total possible chances, he ought most profitably to have married! Nearly all marriages, even happy ones, are mistakes: in the sense that almost certainly (in a more perfect world, or even with a little more care in this very imperfect one) both partners might have found more suitable mates. But the ‘real soul-mate’ is the one you are actually married to. (My emphasis)

In conclusion then, in order to be marriage material, women (and men too!) must be committed to the idea of commitment. They must be ready to work at the relationship through thick and thin—even in those moments when the attraction or personal connection wanes, even when it seems that a “mistake” has been made, as it sometimes will. 

4. A Sense of Joy and Devotion to the Faith

Few traits in either men or women are more attractive than a sense of joy and optimism about life. As St. Thomas Aquinas tells us, everyone seeks to be happy. Now, true happiness, Aquinas says, consists in the practice of virtue and possession of truth. If we are pursuing virtue and truth, we ought to be happy, happy with the joy of Christ, and optimistic about the Christian life. When a man sees this joy and optimism in a woman, it is a great sign that she is marriage material, both naturally and supernaturally speaking. 

The joy described above—which is so attractive in a woman—has its roots in the devout practice of the faith, as well as, perhaps, temperament and training. It’s clear that this practice of the faith through prayer, trust in God, and the frequenting of the sacraments is the best trait a person can have to be marriage material. Through these channels comes grace, and it is only with the aid of grace, in the end, that a successful marriage can be achieved.