Avoid These Common Traps If You Want To Heal After Divorce

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What would make my world a more beautiful place to live in? If there were no more divorces. Not one more. No more devastated families. No more disparagement of the sacrament of marriage.

But, since I cannot control other people, and since the no-fault divorce laws ensure the divorce option is out there if someone wants to leave a marriage, I will always be ready to offer advice, consolation, and hope to anyone who finds themselves suffering because of this heavy cross of divorce.

When I am helping someone who is making their way through the first several months or so of being separated or divorced, I give them a pass on pretty much everything, and I take nothing personally.

The emotional roller coaster that person is on means he or she will say things she doesn't mean and will have stronger reactions that what is necessary. The tidal waves of anger, resentment, shock, and sadness crash without warning, and encounters may be filled with tears or fits of rage. I’ve got no problem with this at all, and I’m happy to be there to help pick up the pieces.

But as time moves forward, it’s important to move with it, as painful as it might be.

It means more change, and more acceptance of this new normal. But if you want to heal, you must start taking steps forward.

If you’re feeling stuck and not really sure how to move forward, I’d like to share three things with you that may be holding you back. They are really traps…traps that can suck you in like stepping in quicksand and pull you downward instead of allowing you to move forward.

1.     Worrying About The Future

This aspect can be quite paralyzing, and I can’t blame you for feeling anxious about what the future may hold. It can be frightening thinking about how it will all play out…financial worries, stabilizing your children, moving to a new place, facing your ex-spouse in court, etc. But it's important to be in control of your emotions and not let them control you. Your physical and emotional health will take a huge hit if you don’t tame these sources of anxiety as soon as possible. But how do you do this?

First, remind yourself these things are only partially in your control and the best thing to do is identify what you can control, work on that, and leave the rest to God.

It helps reduce the stress because you know what you have jurisdiction over and what you must detach from.

But, my best suggestion for gaining sanity in a situation like this is to pray the Divine Mercy Chaplet. This little gem of a prayer is easy to pray and a great mantra to have when you feel overwhelmed by stress and anxiety. “Jesus, I trust in you. Jesus, I trust in you.” That sentence alone can bring a great deal of calm and peace.

2.     Self-Pity

Self-pity doesn’t like to be recognized and often masquerades as other emotions, but there is a difference between feeling the intense sadness that comes with the losing your marriage, and pitying yourself because of your circumstances. Self-pity often takes hold in the form of the blame game; placing all the blame on your ex-spouse, the “other women/man,” your in-laws, God, etc.

While you may have just anger, playing the blame game will only transform you into a victim, and victims never move forward, they remain stuck in their misery. A good way to start overcoming this is to reflect on the fact that we are all imperfect. Even though you may have fought to save your marriage, wouldn’t it be fair to say there were times when you could have been a better spouse? Food for thought.

3.     The Wrong Relationships

One of the first things many people do after divorce is get back into dating and jump into a new relationship. This is not a good idea because until you have gone through the annulment process and received a decree of nullity, the Church still considers your marriage to your ex-spouse to be valid.

But it’s also not a good idea because it takes time to heal from a divorce.

It's better to focus on relationships that are helpful to your healing process. Go out with friends, go to counseling, or spend time with people who will love and support you during this time.

My final thoughts:

You will get through this. You will be happy again. It may be crazy now, but it won’t always be this way. And take comfort in the fact that I and others are praying for you. Feel free to reach out to me at asklisa@catholicmatch.com.

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