The Ten Commandments of Catholic Dating

We probably all recall the first time we learned the Ten Commandments.

Part of my First Holy Communion preparations at my Catholic school was learning and memorizing the Ten Commandments. I remember thinking the third commandment on honoring my mom and dad was something I often needed to work on, while I was proud of myself for not having broken the fifth commandment about not killing anyone. It is funny to me as an adult, the little things I remember learning about my faith.

The Ten Commandments are truths given to us by God to help us live in freedom and wholeness with Him. They are not meant to limit our freedom, but to give us a deeper freedom.

The same could be said about these "rules" for Catholic dating.

Now am I not trying to make a case that there are official “rules” for Catholic Dating. The only “rule” is that we are not intentionally sinning. Let’s not get caught up in semantics here, but as I reflect on the highs and lows of my own dating experience as a woman in her mid-thirties, I do think there are a handful of dating commandments (aka principles) to remember for Catholic singles.

You might have different thoughts than me. However, these are the ones I keep returning to in my own dating experiences.

I. Always say thank you.

I am a firm believer that authentic kindness is one of the most important, yet powerful things we can do in dating. Simple actions like a heartfelt thank you for a date are just good practices to build upon. After a date, I always thank a man in person or send a little thank you text. Regardless of whether there was a love connection, I think men feel affirmed when they see a woman appreciates being taken out on a date. So always, say thank you, I do think it makes a difference.

II. NEVER Ghost.

We have all had someone do this to us or maybe you have done it on occasion to someone. The reality is that it always stings and is not the right way to treat someone. About a year ago, I was messaging with a man (whom I was interested in) on this site, and then all of sudden, I never heard from him again. It hurt my feelings and I did not understand what happened. These things sadly happen with online dating. While I eventually got over the hurtful situation, it reaffirmed in me the importance of never ghosting other men.

Let us always work to treat each other the way we want to be treated…especially when it comes to online dating and dating apps.

III. Be honest, yet kind.

I think this principle is most helpful when it comes to kindly letting someone down or letting him or her know you do not want to continue spending time together. Those conversations are hard and never easy. However, there is a way to be honest yet mindful and kind in doing so.

For me this looks like offering a man two genuine compliments and then saying something like, “…my intuition is telling me we are not the right romantic fit.” For you it might be something different, but I have found that to be a helpful tool I have used on more than one occasion.

IV. Do not be overly attached to an outcome.

I have struggled with this in the past, and it is something I think women tend to do more than men. We attach easily and quickly to an outcome of where a relationship with a man is heading. Enjoy getting to know someone. Take your time. You do not have to be in a rush. Even if this person is not the right fit or match, there are plenty of men and women out there in the world. Have fun, be yourself, and lean back into your own life as you date or begin a serious relationship.

V. Healthy You, Healthy Relationship.

My counselor reminded me of this when I started dating after my annulment case went through. When you are a healthy, whole individual on your own, you bring that energy and mindset into a dating relationship. When you are healthy, you attract other healthy people who want to get to know you more.

Work on yourself now. If you need to go to counseling, do so! Face your insecurities and fears. Do your own deep soul work. Be a healthy man or woman first for yourself, and then someday, you will carry that into the right relationship.

VI. Do not spend all your time together.

Part of the early dating process is the excited, romantic energy where you just want to spend all your time together. As you date or begin to pursue a serious relationship, be mindful of not spending every waking hour with your partner. Have healthy individuation with each other. Make time for your passions, interests, and friendships. Yes have a healthy amount of time together, but allow yourselves to have space on your own.

VII. Do not endlessly discern your relationship.

This is one of the pitfalls to Catholic dating I see or hear about from others: relationships that are endlessly discerning the next step. If you know your vocation is marriage, that is a big piece of clarity. When it comes to dating and serious relationships, take a healthy amount of time to date and experience the different seasons of a relationship. However, if you are dating long-term and have no idea where the relationship is going, that could be a red flag.

Discernment is a process that has a starting and ending point. Do not endlessly discern something. God wants us to have clarity and peace in our vocation.

VIII. Allow God to surprise you!

Wait with openness. Live your life with palms wide open, not clenched in control or anxiety. Allow God to surprise you, because we believe in and follow the God of surprises. If your vocation is to marriage, God wants you to discover who that man or woman is.

Yes have standards or even an idea of what you are looking for in a relationship, but be open at the same time. Do not grasp or strive for a relationship, but allow God to surprise you. My spiritual director often reminds me that she met her husband at her father’s wake…you just never know!

IX. Go on lots of dates!!

You become a better dater by going on lots of dates. Going on lots of dates helps you better understand what you are looking for in a relationship and know specifically what you need.

At one point for myself, I was on several dating apps while being on CatholicMatch. It was not because I was desperate or even man-crazy, but I needed some practice at becoming a better, healthier dater. I needed to practice and to unlearn some unhealthy things about dating. Going on lots of dates took the pressure off me to find the right man. Dating helped me remember that the right man would come into my life when we both were ready. Do not be afraid to go on more dates than not!

X. Ask the Holy Spirit for clarity & peace!

When I began to date after my annulment went through, I remember having a conversation with my sister and wondering how I would be able to trust myself again after going through a divorce. How would I know to be open to another date with a man, or know if it was the right fit to pursue something further?

She told me to rely totally on the Holy Spirit, to ask the Holy Spirit for clarity and peace. So every time I go on a date, I ask the Holy Spirit for clarity and peace and to show up and be myself. It sounds perhaps a bit too simplistic, but it has never failed me yet.

Ask the Holy Spirit to be with you and guide you every step of your dating experience. He will always show up if you ask.

Now, go forth and be a healthy dater!