Why Having "Just Friends" Isn't Healthy for Your Marriage

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The phone call came from a troubled woman.

Anne, the wife of a friend, must have felt desperate to reach out to me.

Without giving all the details, let’s just say her marriage was in jeopardy. Her husband, for some reason, had emotionally and physically withdrawn, and she was more confused than angry, more heartbroken than bitter. The more I understood her concerns, the more uncomfortable the conversation became. Her detailed descriptions of their lack of intimacy only served to ramp up the awkwardness of the discourse.  

Warning lights began to go off in my mind.

Recalling a similar experience from two decades before, I knew I had to get off that call. I immediately shared the details with my wife. She knew how to respond. “The next time Anne calls,” my wife stated, “Give the phone to me. That’s a conversation a woman should have with another woman, not the friend of her husband.”

I had learned that lesson twenty years earlier. It was the Fall of 1978, and I was twenty-seven, married, and the father of three. My wife was five months pregnant with our fourth child. Though she was only twenty-six at the time, she later confessed to feeling like a dowdy old matron. Her clothes no longer fit. She didn’t feel attractive, much less romantic. And her husband was coming home talking about a new engineer named Kathleen.

True, I had always been open with my wife about the business, as well as the personal aspects of my job. As it happened in 1978, Kathleen, a new engineer in my office, had become a friend. Several of us took our breaks together, and over time, a friendship grew. As she got to know me, she expressed admiration for my faith, my joyful marriage, and my growing family. This is something she wanted too. She was Catholic and confessed to a struggling relationship with her faith and her boyfriend. Realizing she needed a listening ear, I offered mine.

I naively thought I could witness my faith and be an encouragement to her.

There was nothing wrong with sharing my faith and being an encouragement, but warning lights should have started flashing when this friendship grew.

When I arrived home each evening from work, I shared the events of the day with my wife. After eight hours of dialoguing with our three children, ages five, four, and two, she appreciated the adult conversation. I had begun sharing my evangelistic efforts with Kathleen, explaining her struggles.

My openness had an unexpected effect on my wife. She became jealous. Though it wasn’t readily apparent to me, she began to have doubts and questions about my relationship with this young woman at my office.

I was completely clueless about my wife’s feelings.

By November 1978, I was still unaware of the emotional roller-coaster my wife was riding. I suggested we invite Kathleen and her boyfriend to dinner. My wife jumped at the opportunity to meet this mystery woman. The evening arrived, and I remained oblivious to my wife’s feelings. When my wife finally met Kathleen face-to-face and after hearing her story, they hit it off and became fast friends. 

My wife’s baseless suspicions disappeared before dessert was served. 

After they left we prayed for Kathleen and her relationships. Then my wife turned to me and confessed her unfounded jealousy and asked forgiveness for her attitude. “Here I am, five months pregnant, I don’t feel sexy or attractive, and all you kept talking about was Kathleen and how you were sharing your faith with her. I knew there was no reason to be jealous, but I couldn’t help it.”

I was stunned. I struggled with my emotions. No, I wasn’t angry with my wife. On the contrary, I was mad at myself. How could I have been so insensitive as not to have recognized the signs? Yes, I had been open about my office conversations, but I should have gotten my wife involved much sooner. 

Years later, I heard Billy Graham share that he was never alone with a woman, if for no other reason than to avoid misperceptions or misunderstandings. My attempt at transparency had backfired. Fortunately, we resolved the misunderstanding before it became a source of conflict.

Never again, I pledged, would I put myself in a compromising position nor give my wife any reason to be jealous.  

Twenty-odd years later, when Anne’s call about her marital problems triggered a deja vu moment, I knew immediately to gracefully transition off the call and engage my wife as Anne’s sounding board.

Many of you may chuckle at my experiences and think them too rigid, even overly cautious.

On the contrary, the marital lessons I learned in my twenties served as a hedge of protection for my marriage. I committed myself to:

  1. Steering clear of unnecessarily spending one-on-one time with members of the opposite sex. When possible, make unavoidable meetings with a third party present.
  2. Building strong friendships with other couples. That is a good thing. Close personal relationships with members of the opposite sex are not.
  3. Staying alert and sensitive to those times in life when my spouse may be more vulnerable to the spears of doubt from Satan’s arsenal
  4. Maintaining a transparent relationship with my spouse to shine the light of accountability on my marriage and keep potential temptations of darkness at bay.
  5. Dating my spouse. Keeping an “always dating” mentality tells your spouse that you want to keep the romance alive.
  6. Guarding my tongue by always speaking well of my spouse to others and being careful with compliments to members of the opposite sex. It’s ok to be friendly and encouraging but avoid words that could be misconstrued.
  7. Reserving the act of flirting as something done only with my wife. 
  8. Communicate, communicate, communicate with the love of my life.

Building hedges around my marriage was a preemptive strike against temptation and served to strengthen the most important earthly relationship I had. 

Why is that necessary? 

Because if marriage between a man and woman is a symbol of Christ (the bridegroom) and the Church (his bride), do you not think that destroying marriage is a priority for the Enemy? 

Loving my wife faithfully and unconditionally was, and is, the best witness I could provide for my family and friends. Establishing boundaries, building hedges, or whatever term you want to use, is a key tactic in spiritual warfare as well as protecting marriage.

Build those hedges. 

Mark 12:1:  “…A man planted a vineyard, put a hedge around it, dug a wine press, and built a tower….”

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