Who Are Your 'People'? How to Find True Friendships

I saw a meme on Instagram the other day that said, “After the year we’ve had, your true gifts are the people remaining in your life.”

I have never felt this so keenly than this year.

It was a year of the final nail in the coffin of my marriage, plus a new job in a new state.

If you are going through a breakup, divorce, relocation, or some other displacing event, it is so important to know who your people are. Your people may not be your Facebook friends or Instagram following. In truth, they may not even be the ones with whom you share the most genetic code. When you find your people, you should nurture those relationships and treasure them like gold, because when everything else in your life changes and your people stay the same, that is beautiful.

Here are five ways to discern who your people are:

1. They weep when you weep.

Your people share your values. So when something breaks your heart or causes you grief, your friends lighten that load by crying with you. There is something so consoling about having someone to share your grief that throughout history and around the world, many cultures would hire mourners (usually women) for funerals and wakes. In fact, this practice continues in some Asian countries to this day.

Someone who could express the deep grief that perhaps the individual it most effects cannot express—this is a powerful act. You will know your people when they mourn with you. They don’t just tell you to pull it together or to get over it. They don’t poke fun at your tears or run from your pain. They stay in it with you, because they love you.

2. They rejoice when you rejoice.

Believe it or not, this is a tougher one to find. You can sometimes find people to weep easier than you can find people to rejoice. Your people will be happy for you when you get the promotion, even if they don’t. Your people will be happy when you find love, have a baby, or buy a house without feeling or expressing, “Why don’t these things happen for me?”

It can be particularly difficult, for example, to keep going to weddings alone when you yourself haven’t found love. It can be painful to send all the congratulatory love and confetti when someone announces a pregnancy if you live with infertility.

Bear this in mind, your people will rejoice with your success as if it were their own. And this is something we can certainly foster in our own hearts toward others. We can take our envy, jealousy, and smallness and leave it at the foot of the Cross. None of those sentiments have any place in the life of a Christian. And we can help ourselves to overcome them by choosing to rejoice with those who rejoice. Romans 12:15 instructs us to rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep.

3. They hold space for you.

Your people may not have any answers for you. They were not sent to you to rescue you from your trials. They are not your therapist, your priest, or your soul’s handyman. But what they offer is presence. By their actions and their love they say, “I am here. And I will be here. If you want to talk, if you want to cry, if you want to grab a coffee, or if you just need to sit in silence. I’m here.”

When my marriage fell apart and myself with it, one of the greatest things a friend ever said to me was, “I am not afraid of your darkness.” Someone who holds space doesn’t mind how even if they haven’t heard from you in weeks, you suddenly send them a meme (just to keep the door open), or ask to get together or share some troubling news. The door is open. Your place at the table is there, even when you don’t or can’t show up.

4. They tell you the truth, even when you perhaps don’t want to hear it.

Oh, this one takes so much virtue—on the part of the giver and the part of the receiver. The giver has to have holy boldness to tell the truth. And the receiver has to have holy humility to receive it. Both aggression and defensiveness are the enemies of this exchange. If either rises up, you have to squelch it quickly!

Keep in mind that your people are not your yes-men. God doesn’t send us friends to indulge all our whims or to affirm us in poor choices. God gives us companions on the journey to heaven, and sometimes those friends firmly tell us we are making some missteps. If they love you they will speak truth. If you love them you will give that voice a fair hearing. Ephesians 4:15 admonishes us to speak the truth in love, and Proverbs 27:6 tells us that the wounds of a friend can be trusted.

5. They are reciprocal and equal.

There is a fair amount of give and take in your relationship, with neither side always doing the heavy lifting.

We have all probably had one or two relationships were the boundaries were difficult to maintain. One friend was constantly needy and you grew tired of constantly giving. On the other hand, maybe you have been the friend who was constantly needy and those alongside you got tired of constantly giving.

It is true that there are seasons. And in some seasons, we will be more needy than others and our friends bear us along. But if it goes on longer than a season, if there isn’t reciprocity, if each person isn’t having their needs met, it might be a relationship that needs better defined boundaries. And maybe they aren’t your people.

The beauty of reciprocity we see in our Triune God, in the home of the Holy Family, in a healthy Sacramental marriage, and in true friendship. Learning to give and learning to receive. When you find those people where the flow of truth, goodness, and beauty is a two-way street, you may have found your people.

What to do if you are not with your people?

Going through a very painful divorce was a very eye-opening process that revealed to me who my people were and who I thought were, but were not. There were people that I thought were true friends who showed me otherwise. Not going to lie, it was like another knife in an already wounded heart.

But then I took a deep breath and looked around. I did have people who loved me unconditionally and relentlessly. I could weep over those who did not love me, or I could walk away and count my blessings, which are many. I could choose with great intention the relationships I invested the lion share of my time, attention, affection, and energy.

Remember that God gives us free will and grace to steward our lives and relationships. Ultimately we get to decide who we let into the deep places of our lives. We have to be good stewards of our emotional and relational bandwidth in the same way we strive to be good stewards of our time and money. This may come as a shock to some (looking hard at my younger self), but not everyone should have equal access to you. Even in our charity, we can set boundaries. That, too, is an expression of love.

If you have found your people, love them well. Give thanks for them. Tell them how much you love and treasure them. “Faithful friends are a sturdy shelter; whoever finds one finds a treasure.” Sirach 6:14