Living After Loss: Managing Life's Disappointments

Recently, my wife had a miscarriage.

We’ve been married for almost two years and have talked about starting a family. When we saw the pregnancy test with a + sign, we were both excited. Two other couples we know got pregnant around the same time. We all shared the news with each other and celebrated.

Then, a month later, the miscarriage. I never knew how common miscarriages are until talking with our doctor. Many women suffer several miscarriages before finally having a child. Our doctor told us to simply try again. We are middle-aged, so there are more risks of complications or not getting pregnant.

It’s been hard to see pictures on Facebook of our other friends showing belly bumps and planning gender reveal parties.

It didn’t work out for us this time around.

We are nothing but happy for our friends and their pregnancies. We celebrate with them. But this has taught us a few things…

One, it crystallized for us that we do indeed want a family. Sometimes there’s no way to know until you see that + sign on the pregnancy test. When we saw it, we instinctively reacted with joy. Maybe our own biological child is not in the cards for us. We can’t know. But families come in all ways, and we have discussed adoption.

The second thing the miscarriage has taught us is that we cannot compare ourselves to other couples.

None of us can control life, and when something good happens for other people, we rejoice with them.

As Saint Paul said in Romans 12:15: “Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.” Our pregnant friends weep with us and we rejoice with them.

Nothing in life is permanent. Bad times don’t last forever.

Good times are fleeting too.

So all we can do is live in the now, in the reality of our present moment, as difficult or wonderful as it is. 

If you have suffered a tragedy like miscarriage or divorce, don’t despair. The desire to live a fruitful life is a good thing, even when it doesn’t work out as you’d hoped. Keep hoping. We are called to live life fully, not be crushed by disappointments.

Disappointments are part of life, but they don’t negate the instinct to life.

Jesus said, “A thief comes only to steal and slaughter and destroy; I came so that they might have life and have it more abundantly” (John 10:10). It may not always happen on our time, but God wills us to keep investing in life.

As I mentioned earlier, maybe “life” for my wife and I will look like adoption. As long as we choose life, in whatever form it might take, I believe we are doing what God wants us to do. 

So, keep praying and keep pursuing life. Grieve your losses and disappointments. But keep living. God is not the God of the dead but of the living (Mark 12:27). He is the God of life. It may not look like what you’d hoped, but when you submit it to God, it will still look beautiful, maybe even more beautiful than you could have imagined.