Find a Match But Skip the Matchmaker: Dating Lessons from Emma

It is my belief that everyone should be issued a copy of the complete works of Jane Austen before being allowed to start dating. It would certainly save a lot of trouble if the morals of that great lady’s books could be drilled into the heads of the general public. Each and every one of her books is worth reading and pondering, though personally I find myself returning again and again to what I consider her two best works: Pride and Prejudice and Emma.

Emma is a little less overexposed than Pride and Prejudice, perhaps because its miniseries adaptation lacked Colin Firth in a soaking wet shirt, or perhaps because it’s a somewhat more leisurely and less urgent story. There is no grand, overarching threat of disaster beyond personal unhappiness, nor any real villains, unless you count the snobbish vicar and his wife.

Though, just for that reason, its themes may be even more universal: family duty, kindness to the less fortunate, the dangers of bad company, and, of course, a variation on the idiom "make sure you don’t have anything in your own eye before trying to play optometrist with anyone else."

Fair warning: this essay will assume you have read the book, so will include some spoilers. I think this is fair, as it’s been published for about two hundred years, but in case you’ve somehow missed it in that time, I encourage you to seek it out and read it first.

Don’t Rely Only On Your Own Judgment

Emma Woodhouse, clever, beautiful, and lively, enjoys ‘making matches’ between people, and is convinced that she is especially gifted at it, having encouraged a marriage between her governess, Miss Taylor, and the amiable Mr. Weston. Now she’s determined to do the same thing for Mr. Elton, the charming young vicar of Highbury. He’s handsome, unfailingly polite to her, and seems an entirely pleasant person.

Delighted with Mr. Elton, Emma decides he’d be perfect for her friend Harriet, a lovely, but illegitimate and rather vacuous young woman whom Emma has taken a shine to. Convinced they’d be well suited for one another, Emma sets about promoting the match.

Her friend Mr. Knightley, however, warns her off the scheme. He’s had opportunities to see how Elton behaves when he isn’t trying to be agreeable to two attractive young ladies and knows that his amiable manners conceal a more grasping and shallow nature. In particular, he’s certain Elton will never marry anyone without money–that is, anyone like Harriet. Emma laughs off his warnings, but most unfortunately for both her and Harriet, Mr. Knightley’s words prove all-too prophetic: something Emma only learns after she’s encouraged poor Harriet to believe herself all-but engaged to him.

People typically adopt personas appropriate to their current company. If that co

mpany happens to be, say, a young lady they're attracted to, their behavior will probably be markedly different from how they usually act. It’s always best to try to learn, one way or another, how a person normally behaves before proceeding too far in a relationship. In particular, seek the advice of family and friends, who, lacking your interest in him, may be able to form a fairer judgment of his character than you can.

This is why a lot of people recommend the ‘waiter test;’ if you’re out with someone, compare how he treats you with how he treats the waiter. The rule is that if someone is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, he’s not a nice person.

Choose Someone Whose Virtues, not Vices, Rub Off on You

Not long after Emma is disillusioned by Mr. Elton, she makes a new acquaintance in Mr. Weston’s handsome, outgoing son, Frank Churchill. Frank is easy-going, cheerful, and always seems to know exactly what to say. Emma soon finds in him an intellectual peer and engaging conversationalist. She’s so taken that she begins to fancy herself in love with him, though not enough to tempt her to give up her plan of never marrying.

Like Mr. Elton, however, there are cracks in Frank’s charming façade, which Mr. Knightly sees and Emma doesn’t. Frank isn’t as rude or oily as Mr. Elton, but he is neglectful of his duties, frivolous, and prone to be callous. He’s not a bad man, but obviously a rather weak and superficial one. Emma, pleased with his attentions and enjoying his company, again ignores Mr. Knightly’s warnings and defends Frank’s conduct, even when she actually doesn’t approve of it herself.

Frank is a charming, likable young man whom Emma enjoys spending time with and with whom she shares a lot in common, but he lacks the character to back up his pleasing manners. Moreover, his behavior, coupled with his charm, begins to have a bad effect on Emma. Though not a bad man himself, he is thoughtless and a little self-centered, and by frequent association with him Emma begins to adopt some of the same habits, culminating in her rudely mocking her impoverished neighbor, Miss Bates.

It’s easy to like someone with pleasing manners and whom we share a lot in common with, but that doesn’t mean they’re necessarily someone it would be a good idea to marry, or even to spend a lot of time with. A person needn’t even be very bad themselves to encourage the worst parts of our own character. How someone affects you, and whether their company makes you a better or worse person is a vital point to consider, especially when choosing a spouse.

True Love Doesn’t See Perfection

Since Emma is beautiful, intelligent, talented, witty, and kind, most of her acquaintances are disposed to regard her as being essentially perfect, and Emma, though aware of her own flaws, is usually happy to accept such flattery, especially when it comes from a handsome, charming young man like the dashing Frank Churchill.

There’s only one person in the neighborhood (apart from the insufferable Eltons) who is willing to criticize Emma: Mr. Knightly. He is very affectionate towards her, but he won’t give her a pass for her faults. If she says or does something

wrong, he calls her on it, and sometimes harshly. After she is rude to Miss Bates, for instance, Mr. Knightly takes her aside and angrily lays out just how and why what she did was wrong.

Emma, though often annoyed by his criticisms, finds that she actually values his friendship all the more for it. The flattery she gets from everyone else is pleasant at first, but grows old quickly and becomes annoying. Besides which, she knows, deep down, that it’s not good for her. By contrast, she takes his rebuke regarding Miss Bates so to heart that she immediately resolves to make amends and to never be neglectful of the poor woman again.

Mr. Knightly’s rebukes and criticism, though often unpleasant, show a real concern for her wellbeing and understanding of her character that the compliments of her other friends don’t. She knows she can rely on his judgment because he sees her objectively and isn’t blinded by her charm.

Eventually (very eventually), the understanding of this causes Emma to realize that she is in love with him; that, indeed, he’s the only man she ever has or could love, precisely because she knows she can unreservedly trust and respect him. Not long after, she discovers that his harshness has always been due to the fact that he’s in love with her. He cares about her far too much to say anything but the truth to her, or to allow her to do wrong without trying to correct her.

To love someone is not to make yourself blind to their faults, not to silently acquiesce to them. In the words of poet Thomas Traherne, “Love may forebear, and love may forgive, but love can never be reconciled to an unlovely object.” It is not true love that sees nothing but perfection in the beloved; it is not grasping self-interest, like Mr. Elton has, or shallow affection, like Frank Churchill gives. True love, that wills the utmost good of the beloved, will want to see faults corrected, sins atoned for, and mistaken ideas put right, but will never see any of these as an obstacle to love. The true lover will see the beloved, in Mr. Knightly’s words, “faultless in spite of all your faults.”