Why Women Don't Always Want Guys To "Fix it"

Have you ever seen the YouTube video “It’s Not About the Nail”? A woman has a nail sticking out of her forehead, and she’s trying to talk to her boyfriend about how it’s affecting her. (“And all my sweaters are snagged. I mean—all of them.”) But when he suggests removing the nail, she gets upset because he’s always trying to “fix things” when she just needs someone to listen.

I think this video is hilarious. I share it every chance I get.

Part of the reason it’s hilarious is because it’s kind of true. Exaggerated, of course, but based in the truth. When a woman is discussing a problem with a man, frequently his first instinct is to solve the problem. And, frequently, she doesn’t want to hear what he has to say.

Which, I get, must look pretty ridiculous to the man. “You’re all upset about this problem, and here I am offering you a solution, but you don’t want it. Weird.”

I watched the video again recently, and it got me thinking about why we are the way we are. Or, because I don’t want to speak for all of Womankind, why I am the way I am. Assuming a lot of other women feel the same. How can we be upset about a problem and yet be completely unwilling to entertain a proposed solution?

Basically, I came up with three reasons:

1. It messes with my process. Men and women have different brains. I can’t really go into the detail of how or why they are different, but I know they are. And I know that, for certain types of serious problems (or at least problems that seem serious to me at the moment), I have a process for reaching a decision.

And frankly, it involves “ruminating” in the problem for a while. I assume this has something to do with the structure of the female brain, since men’s brains seem to largely lack this “ruminating” feature. But I need to lay the whole thing out. I need to look at it from several sides.

And yes, I need to talk about it. Sometimes a lot.

For some reason, laying it out there with someone else, talking it out and hearing input, helps me wrap my arms around it. And until I have done that, until the whole thing has “settled in my bones,” I often don’t feel prepared to commit to a solution.

2. The ensuing argument really messes with my process. More often than not, I have already thought of the solution being proposed. I still appreciate the suggestion—maybe it will be something I hadn't considered. And if not, I’m happy to discuss briefly why I don't think it will work, or why I’m not yet ready to commit to it.

“Briefly” being the operative word. Where it all starts to go wrong is when I have to take time out from my "process" to explain in great detail why I have rejected that solution.

Or worse yet the gentleman in question, having thought of the solution himself, will sometimes becomes attached to it and decide it’s the “right” way to solve the problem. Or maybe he’s just anxious to get any resolution passed, so he can move past the ruminating and finally get some dinner.

So he starts to advocate, to argue for it. And then I have to take precious time—time that could have spent in productive ruminating—to give an increasingly detailed explanation. Which then, in the worst case, turns into an actual argument.

All of which really messes up my process.

3. Sometimes "the problem" isn't really the problem. From my perspective, John Gray’s book Mars and Venus on a Date, offers the best explanation of women’s emotional lives. He says that we periodically “crash,” during which times we don’t handle stress well. I don’t know if that resonates with other women, but it certainly does with me.

I think this is the main key to the whole “to fix or not to fix” dilemma. When the “crash” happens, decision-making becomes more difficult. In those times, I don’t need a decision—right or wrong—imposed on me.

That just stresses me out more.

I need to get grounded again.  I need support and love and encouragement. I need someone to listen, to walk back out of it with me. And then I’ll be ready to make a decision.

I know that, all over the world, the men are reading this and thinking “Ugh. This sounds awful. Can't she just talk to her girlfriends and let me know when she's ready to solve?"

I don't think that's the best solution—or the best way to show your love.

I know that a man’s natural instinct is to fix things. And I love that about men. But what I’m trying to explain is that, by listening and supporting, you are helping to fix. Not in the way you’re used to. But the way you’re used to—the short way—often doesn’t fix anything, especially when a woman is in “crash” mode. It just makes things worse.

That doesn't mean you have to watch her ruminate indefinitely. Your masculine gifts of strength and decisiveness are appreciated, and can definitely play a role. But that needs to be a gentle role, not "could you please just pull yourself together and make a decision already?"

I don’t know why God made men and women so very, very different. I do know that loving each other means figuring out what makes the other “tick,” and what the other really needs in any given situation. And I know that when I’m with someone who is willing to do that—to take the time and step out of his comfort zone—I feel very loved, respected and protected.

And in a relationship, isn’t that the ultimate “fix”?