Please Stop Loving Me For Who I Am

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“If you can’t stand me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best.”

So said Marilyn Monroe in a quote that is remarkably popular across the internet. Type it into a search engine and you’ll find dozens of memes with that line presented as if it were a profound description of true love and self-confidence.

It isn’t. It’s the petulant, childish statement of a deeply troubled soul who spent her whole life being exploited and abused. I don’t mean any offense to Miss Monroe by saying this; Lord knows I could never feel anything but pity for her in her personal life and admiration for her talent on screen. But those are not the words of a healthy woman.

Now, we all want someone to love us for who we are. But I think we need to be clear on what we mean by that. Do we mean that we want someone who will admire our talents, support our ambitions, appreciate our personality, and share our interests? Or do we mean someone who will place no demands on us, who won’t challenge us to be a better person, and who will put up with our flaws instead of trying to help us improve them?

If it’s the former, then yes, we should be looking for someone who will ‘accept us for who we are.’ But often times I think we use ‘it’s who I am’ as an excuse to avoid taking a hard look at ourselves and making the changes we need to make in our lives. In that case, you absolutely should not be looking for someone who will love you for ‘who you are,’ because who you are is not who you ought to be.

You’re Not Perfect Just the Way You Are

Tolerance and acceptance are our favorite virtues these days. They have the advantages of requiring extremely little effort and allowing us the pleasure of feeling offended by unpleasant criticism (if anyone tells you he’s never felt pleasure in being offended, he is either a liar or a much better man than I). Thus we say things like “You’re perfect just the way you are: don’t ever change.”

Of course, this is manifest nonsense; none of us are perfect as we are. As Catholics, we are all keenly aware of our many sins and imperfections: we confess them at least once a year. To claim that we don’t have to change, that we’re fine just the way we are, is contrary to our faith, and to greet criticism with resentment is a moral failure.

Now, like all things, this is to be taken in proper moderation: someone who is hypercritical and who expects you to change every aspect of your life to suit their whims is clearly at fault. But to expect that you will acknowledge your flaws and do your best to try to improve upon them is simply the attitude of a reasonable human being. To answer them with Miss Monroe’s line about “not deserving me at my best” is the attitude of a petulant child.

If you are behaving badly, you should want someone who will call you on it and demand that you improve, not someone who will tolerantly tell you that they wouldn’t have you any other way. We are all of us works in progress and it’s important to recognize that when searching for a mate.

You’re Not Good Enough

Instead of Miss Monroe’s quote, I much prefer a different line, this one by Ven. Archbishop Sheen.

Part of being a Christian means constantly improving; pruning away your sins, fixing your faults, and asking forgiveness when you fall. We are called to be perfect as our Heavenly Father is perfect, and we know that we will never become so in this life. Why, then, do we keep saying that we want someone who will accept us as we are?

I don’t want someone who will accept me just as I am, because I don’t accept myself as I am, and I don’t intend to stay as I am for my whole life. I want someone who will challenge me to be better; someone I can strive to be worthy of. I don’t want someone who will simply put up with me at my worst: I want someone who will demand of me my best.

While looking for your match, seek someone better than yourself: someone who will force you to become a better man, not someone who will accept you as you are. Because as you are, you’re not good enough. You know it, I know, and God knows it. Make sure that whoever you fall in love with knows it too.

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