What Married People Would Do Over

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Ever do something stupid or bad and wish you could go back in time and undo it?

Most of us can think of words we wish we'd never said, stunts we wish we'd never pulled, and sins we wish we'd never committed.

I'm not saying that everyone secretly wishes an alien would swoop down—Dr. Who style—and take them back ... but if I had a TARDIS time machine, would I go back and fix my mistakes?

In a nano-second!

Since no such time machine exists, we can at least tell others what to look for so they can avoid the pitfalls. I asked more than 2500 married Facebook friends what they'd do over. Here are their top answers and their reasons why:

1. Sex before marriage.

"Wait to have sex."

This is first because so many people said it. All testified that it rushed them into making a commitment they weren't ready for. One friend said: "I would have felt a lot more free to end the relationship had I not been so involved in that way." Even the ones who ended up happily married said it brought baggage into the marriage.

When you are in love, waiting to be intimate seems like it will last for an eternity. It helps if you can spend a lot of your time together among friends and family (but nix the squirmy PDA), rather than alone. It'll both slow you down and make the time go faster.

2. Not knowing the other person well enough.

"I wish I would have spent as much time in-person as possible and remained objective and detached for a good long while."

This is particularly important for people who meet online. A profile, a phone conversation, or even a real-time date is only the beginning of getting to know a person. If you are getting serious, spend as much time as you can with that person in their home environment and among their family and friends so you can see the real deal.

3. Not knowing myself well enough.

"I wish I had known myself before jumping into marriage. I might have not had as many unrealistic expectations about what marriage would be, what my role would be, and what I needed from a husband."

Marriage prep starts way before marriage preparation classes. In fact Pope Pius XI said it starts in childhood. You should be prepping in your daily lives, through prayer and sacrifice for yourself, your future spouse and family. You wouldn't run a marathon without being as ready as possible—without assessing your health and getting in shape first.

4. Ignoring red flags.

"I should have noticed how he treated his mother. You can tell a great deal about a man by how he treats his mother."

This one echoes what I read in an old Catholic marriage prep manual from my mother's generation. It goes both ways. How a man treats his mother and how a woman treats her father is a strong indicator of how they will treat their spouses—good or bad, with respect or disrespect, with kindness or callousness.

5. Underestimating an opposite temperament.

"We had a rough first few years because there were sides of him I didn't see coming and wasn't equipped to handle."

It is easy to fall in love with your opposite. The person has traits you admire precisely because you lack them. But living with them day by day reveals the flip side. They don't act like you—and you wish they would!

Reading a book like, The Temperament God Gave Your Spouse might help you make sense of this beautiful stranger. You'll have to accept that you can't change them into a version of yourself. And they'll have to accept the same about you.

6. Not getting along with the in-laws.

"I wish that I was more careful with his family. I rushed right into the middle of the family dynamics before really getting to know everyone." 

For better or worse, you don't just marry the individual, you marry the family. Acceptance, love, and familiarity usually take time. Your approach at the beginning—as well as theirs—will set the tone for years to come. Do not underestimate or disregard the relationships that were there before yours. They were years in the making. Both sides need to tread carefully, with respect and openness.

7. Not being mature.

"I wish I was mature as I am now 44 years later. Back then I was way too immature."

Wouldn't we all? No matter how old you are when you get married, you are probably used to getting your own way. Most young people haven't had to grapple with much adversity; most older people are set in their ways. For better or worse, marriage is the place where you work all that self-centeredness out. Whether you are successful depends on your willingness to keep trying.

Hopefully you'll avoid the above mistakes, but even if you don't and even if you make plenty of your own—you should never forget that God is on your side. He doesn't need a time machine to make things right. All He needs is a pair of contrite and willing hearts.

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