10 Things You Should Know About Meeting the Parents

Mother-in-law here. The one with the bad reputation. You know how mother-in-laws are—we cry our eyes out at our daughter's wedding ... "My baby!"

We are jealous of the twit who marries our son, "I'm not the number one woman in his life—Wah!" Nobody's good enough for our baby and no one can love our baby like we do!

But actually, it's not like that at all.

It's this way: You love my child? Thank you. I want my child to be happy. That's all I've ever wanted. Just for that, I already like you!

Maybe you think I'm big hearted; maybe you think I'm crazy. The truth is, I remember very well how intimidating it is to enter a family. Most people mentally bracket it and just focus on the person they are about to marry, but this is a mistake.

The saying: "You don't just marry a person you marry their family" is true. That perfect person didn't come from a factory. That person came from a family and those people are here to stay. Even if you never see your spouse's family, you will see evidence of it every day in the character of your spouse. Your spouse shares his family's ways and ideas and virtues and faults.

Besides, most people do see their spouse's family. So you want to get along with them. I think every prospective son or daughter-in-law and mother or father-in-law should make this a priority. How do you want them to treat you? How do you want to treat them?

Just as you have hopes and expectations about your future spouse, you should have hopes and expectations about your future in laws. Again, you are going to be related to these people until you die. They are going to be your kids' grandparents. Their influence may seem peripheral now. It's not.

Make a list and share it with your intended. Talk about how you feel about each other's family. If there are any issues now, they need to be addressed. Marriage doesn't make issues go away; it makes them permanent.

Just to get you started, I made a list of 10 things I want my kids' spouses to know about me:

1) I want us to be friends. Friends don't pry into your business, but inspire your confidence.

2) You can come and go as you please. I do not want you to drag yourself to our house for a required visit so I'm not going to guilt trip you about holidays. I respect the fact that you come from a family too. So do what works. When you are here, I want you to want to be here.

3) I'm not your competition. I don't want my child to have to choose between us. Then no one would win—especially my child. My child would lose one of us and resent the other.

4) My child will always be my child. Mothers and fathers invest their hearts in their children. It doesn't stop just because they grow up. An elderly lady at church once said, "I buried my parents and I buried my husband but nothing was harder than burying my child." Her child was 50 years old.

5) You don't have to call me Mom if Mom is taken. The whole naming thing throws most people. It feels disrespectful to call me by my first name but distant to stick with Mrs. I get that. Don't sweat it. Eventually you'll probably just call me: Grandma.

6) I want to brag about you. Since I didn't raise you, I will give myself permission to brag about you whenever I want—especially if you are good to my child.

7) I hope you feel lucky to have my child's love. I want my child to feel lucky to have yours. I think a bit of humility and awe (a bit, we're not talking self-loathing here) keeps a person grateful. Hang on to that and you'll be happy.

8) The saying, "If you hurt my kid, I'll hurt you" is insulting. It does not belong at a wedding. I'm going to give you my trust. I do not expect you to blow it.

9) I expect adult behavior from adults. Stomping out and going home to Mother? No—unless the circumstances are dire. I'd rather not get entangled in your problems.

10) I want to make your life better. A growing family needs moral support and maybe someone to pick up crackers and ginger ale when the kids are barfing. Maybe you'll help me sometime too. I'll let you. I am really psyched to have another capable adult in the family. I feel stronger just knowing you.

Thanks for being in my life.