Let's Make a Deal: A Millennial's Look at Marriage Prep

(Note: This post is primarily directed to marriage ministers. If you are reading this as an engaged or hoping to be engaged person, please comment on how parishes can make preparation for marriage better. Thanks!)

The deacon didn't know how to respond to the bride to be and her beloved.  After meeting the couple, listening to their story and giving them the list of requirements for a Sacramental marriage, the woman told the priest what she was willing to do and not do. In her mind, nothing on the list was set in stone; everything was negotiable. In the deacon's mind, the entire list was necessary; nothing was negotiable.

Let's make a deal

This is the approach taken by many engaged couples when they come to us for marriage prep. They look at the all of the steps that lead to the altar and quickly divide them into subsets that fit between doors number one, two and three. They decide which are important and which are frivolous; which have meaning and which waste time. And then, they tell us what door they select.

The days of compliant agreement to do what one is asked are long gone. Today's engaged couples are not like the couples who came to us just a decade ago and asked what needs to be done. Nor are they like the couples from a couple of decades ago who came in with some basic preparation already completed. Rather, these couples arrive asking, "what's in this preparation for me?" (In all fairness, this is a good question. I just wish it wasn't their most important concern.)

The motivation to ask WIIFM comes from a desire to be efficiently engaged—which again is worthy. This means that they want to be prepared in a fashion that is timely, meaningful and makes them feel special. Let's take a look at each of these desires.

They want timely preparation.

Couples expect their preparation to fit into their schedule and not yours. In other words, they want self-paced learning that can be done at anytime and from any location. This means that dioceses should do their best to build flexibility into their requirements. Thankfully, many dioceses are making changes to their delivery of immediate marriage resources. Additionally, the marketplace is teeming with great programs like the Catholic Marriage Prep Program from Agape Ministries,  Beloved by the Augustine Institute, Joined by Grace from Ave Maria Press, and Witness to Love by the Verrets.

When it comes to natural family planning , self-paced and on-line learning options are offered by most of the nationally recognized programs: (SymptoPro, Marquette Model, FertilityCare, Couple to Couple League,and Catholic Sexuality.) These options provided flexibility to learn a natural method and receive chart feedback and follow-up services from a certified instructor assigned personally to the couple.

Pre-marriage inventories are also finding timely and effective ways to offer flexibility. Many inventories (Prepare/Enrich, FOCCUS) provide an on-line platform to take the inventory rather than come to the parish to fill out the questionnaire.

They want meaningful preparation.

Beyond flexibility, couples also want their preparation to be meaningful. Stating the obvious value attached to every step helps them see the rationale behind the requirement. If you are requiring them to go through a marriage retreat, then clearly state the retreat's purpose rather than assume the couple understands why they are being asked to take that step. Let me give you a poor as well as a good illustration  of stating the obvious value behind taking a natural family planning course.

Poor Example:

Deacon to couple— "You must take an NFP course so you understand what the Church teaches about birth control."

Couple to deacon—"We already know what the Church teaches. We don't need that course."

Good Example:

Deacon to couple—"The Church wants you to experience a fulfilling sexual relationship in your marriage and has a required course that will help you achieve that. It's called NFP."

Couple to deacon—"Hmmm. Okay. I guess we need that."

They want their preparation to be special.

Finally, today's couples want their preparation to feel special. The best way to fulfill this request is to sincerely relate your desire that they will be successful in their marriage. They need to be convinced that you will put skin in the game so that they get the best preparation possible. Here is the irony—the best way to help a couple feel truly special is by developing a relationship with the bride and groom to be. Bonding with a couple rarely happens when timeliness and personal gain are the primary concern. Convincing a couple that you will do anything to help them stay married for a lifetime takes time and listening, witnessing and exchange. It is not efficient.

Retooling the marriage preparation process to meet the needs of today's couples will be challenging. The process begins by rethinking our current approach, determining what works and updating what doesn't. In some cases, it may be a total renovation. In others, it may be just a window dressing. Either way, we have to step out of our comfort zones and discover new and exciting formats to deliver our marriage preparation resources for the sake of the couples who want to make a deal.