What Is the Key to Understanding Women?

I like to think that I have a pretty good head on my shoulders. I am rational in my approach and methodical in my execution. It doesn’t matter what obstacles I face, the task at hand has pretty much always has a logical solution. But every once in a while...no, rather frequently, I find myself in a situation where my wife is upset at me and I’m left scratching my head, wondering “What the heck just happened?!?!”

Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn in their book For Men Only sum it up perfectly:

“Ever since cro-mangum days, men have been sure of just one thing about women: on a regular basis—and usually when you least expect it—women will stop making sense.”

Despite all my powers of logic and reasoning, sometimes my wife seems so illogical. Or is she?

How can we explain what is going on here? What is the key to understanding women?

Men need respect. Women need love. And loving a woman means pursuit.

In relationships, men primarily need respect, while women primarily need love. Women need to feel loved, and part of feeling loved is feeling desired. And she feels desired when she is being pursued. A man needs to pursue a woman in order for her to feel desired, which in turn makes her feel loved. In short, the coveted key to understanding a woman is she needs to be pursued.

It’s the job of the man to pursue the woman. The pursuit begins from the very first meeting. It continues through their dating and engaged relationship, and it doesn’t stop at “I do.” The deal is never sealed. Even when a man is married, he needs to pursue his wife. In these critical moments when your wife or girlfriend seems to change her attitude on the turn of a dime, it's because you stopped pursuing her.

How do men pursue women? It depends on the circumstance.

Since the feelings of love and desire are all wrapped up in one package for a woman, the man quickly needs to figure out the love language of the woman he is pursuing. As the love between the couple develops and deepens, the pursuit is also going to change.

So obviously the pursuit of a married man is going to look very different from a dating man. And the pursuit of a dating man is going to look very different from a man just meeting a woman for the very first time.

Pursuing a woman online: tricky but worthwhile.

Online dating complicates the pursuit. While I am a big advocate for online dating, the one pitfall is men will miss all the non-verbal body language cues that would normally be present when he meets a woman for the first time in person. Those cues are super important for us guys. They not only tell us that a girl is interested, they also help us to figure out what makes the woman feel desired. Yep, right from the very beginning she is telling us guys how she wants to be loved.

So online, it’s ok for a woman to make the “first move” by sending a smiley face or message. The initial contact is not the woman taking charge or doing the pursuing. That smiley face or message is very much like the inviting smile from across the room letting the possible suitor know that she is interested. My wife’s CatholicMatch profile never showed up in my searches, and it took her reaching out to me for her to pop up on my screen. Had she not done that, I would have literally never seen her.

So, ladies, take the initiative, and show the guy you are interested by sending a smiley face; then let the guy take over from there and pursue you.

The initial pursuit has two simple rules:

When a man starts to pursue a woman, he should stick to the standard signs of affection: flowers, chocolate, handwritten love notes, long walks on the beach, romantic dinners where the GUY pays the bill, etc.

When you are in this initial stage of pursuit there are two basic rules that you need to follow:

1. Be Respectful. No woman wants to hear a disrespectful “Hey baby…” pick up line. No woman wants to feel like an object. Women are beautiful and wonderful, and they need to be treated as such.

2. Be Persistent. Relationships take time, energy and lots of persistence. If the woman you are dating sees you are investing in her, putting in the work to make the relationship work, then she will feel pursued and loved. One word of caution, however: even though you must pursue the woman, your persistent pursuit must not become stalker-ish. If she says no, her NO means NO. You must be respectful and move on.

Don't mistake a dating relationship as a time to stop pursuing her. (Just the opposite!)

If you are dating a woman, you cannot sit back on your laurels. You must continue to pursue her. As your relationship deepens, so must your pursuit.

Be attentive to what she says or the things she does. Perhaps, consider having a conversation with your girlfriend and ask what you can do to make her feel loved. Just one caveat, the temptation to turn the relationship sexual will be strong. There are tons of ways to show her you love her without sex!

Pursuit is never completed, even in marriage.

Like I said before, the pursuit is never done, and the deal is not sealed with “I do.” When you make your wedding vows, you promise to love her. In other words, you promise to keep pursuing her all the days of your life.

Men, now you have the vital key to understanding a woman. It may at times seem very illogical to us, and she may come off as complicated. But I can assure you, if you make her feel desired, you will unlock her heart, and she will feel loved.