How to Show Her You Love Her Without Sex

Before I was married, I would have answered the question "How important is sex in marriage?" with an affirmative answer: sex in marriage is very important. Judging by the number of people who view sex related posts on CatholicMatch, the readership would probably also agree to its importance.

But what if we all got it wrong, and there is way more to marriage than sex?

I’m quickly approaching my one year wedding anniversary, and I can honestly say that my preconceived, pre-marriage views about sex were totally off.

Yes, sex has its place, particularly because God told us to “be fruitful and multiply.” But the sexual act is just one expression of one of the Love Languages. In marriage, there are so many other essential ways of expressing one’s love for his or her spouse that aren’t physical.

What is marriage about if not sex?

Pope St. John Paul II says that marriage is a communio personarum, a communion of persons. What does this mean? The communion of persons in marriage is the bond that makes the couple one in heart, mind, and body.

The couple is of one heart, meaning they love each other to the exclusion of other people and things. The couple is of one mind, which means that they have the same goal in life, i.e. eternal salvation. And finally the couple is of one body, which means they care for each other’s physical needs with as much attention as they care for their own.

All of this stuff about marriage sounds really great for the married couple (and it is!).

But you are still in a dating relationship and not married yet.

What are you to do? How do you begin to live out this communion of persons that St. John Paul II describes?

1. Foster a oneness of heart

First, you must foster that oneness of heart by beginning that process of focusing your attention on your significant other. I work at a parish for my day job, and I have seen several families break up during this academic year because one or both spouses turn their focus to other things and people. Here are some practical suggestions based off of real life struggles:

• Keep your job in check by checking it at the door of your home. Do work at work, and when you are with your boyfriend or girlfriend, be present.
• Don’t foster close relationships with people of the opposite sex whom you are not dating.
• Start praying together. The closer you draw to Christ, together, the closer you draw to each other.

2. Foster a oneness of mind

The great philosopher Aristotle teaches that the best and closest relationship/friendship is among equals. I can’t imagine being married to a woman who can’t challenge me intellectually. I also can’t imagine being married to a woman who disagrees with me on the important things in life.

Here are some practical suggestions to help you foster a oneness of mind with your boyfriend/girlfriend:

• Read a book together, aloud. Perhaps that book can even be the Catechism. I can’t tell you the number of couples that I speak with who wish they had the same religious beliefs as their spouse. One couple at my parish is suffering a divorce because they can’t reconcile dad’s atheistic view with mom’s Catholic views.
• Watch the news, and discuss the politics of the day. I don’t know very many solid couples who have differing views on politics. Maybe it can happen, but I just don’t experience it in my line of work.
• Take a class together. Any class will do: a cooking class, a pottery class, an exercise class. By learning something new, you foster the friendship that Aristotle speaks of.

3. Foster a oneness of body

A oneness of body is most perfectly achieved in marriage during the marital act. But that kind of oneness is reserved for marriage and marriage alone. How do you foster a oneness of body while dating?

• Spend time together physically, and don’t just communicate via text message or social media. If you met online at CatholicMatch, don’t let the relationship stay online and consist of messages and smiley faces. Go out for a cup of coffee or a walk in a park. Our technology is just a tool and can never replace being in the same room as the person you are dating.
• Go to the gym or exercise together. One of my past girlfriends loved to exercise, and I love to hike. We spent hours upon hours, weekend after weekend, hiking and being out in God’s creation.
• Do acts of service for your boyfriend or girlfriend. Marriage is all about serving the other so it's good to practice this before you get married. Ladies, bake some cookies for your boyfriend (because everyone knows that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.) Gentlemen, buy your girlfriend some flowers or handwrite a love letter to her.

Concupiscence, or our unruly desires due to original sin, make us desire physical pleasures, and sex is a strong physical pleasure.

But the grace of marriage calms our unruly desires and puts sex in its proper place. Sacramental marriage is a beautiful state in life that provides so much joy and peace to the soul in many ways. Look forward to marriage, not just for sex, but also for a oneness of heart, mind, and body with your beloved.