Engagement. Ah. That exciting, horrifying, white-knuckling, ever-evolving time.
We glorify engagement as a society, but who’s the one making all the rules? What even are the rules? Why?!
No one has it figured out, so I’m not going to waste your time acting like I do. I am going to challenge the commonly held notions around engagement, though. I am going to remind you of what our Church teaches. If this comes across as a vendetta against modern engagements, so be it. That’s not my intent, but I won’t stop it from happening. What I would ultimately like is for this to act as a brain-exercise, helping you see what lies/truths/beliefs you’ve bought into and why.
What if "Will you marry me?" is meant to be an actual question?
We as a society view engagement as the end of dating rather than another step in dating. We avoid engagement until we know for absolute sure that we’re going to marry someone. Culturally, we’re putting off engagement increasingly longer than ever before because of this need for certainty. Studies show that the average American couple dates for over four years now before tying the knot.
The Catholic Church views engagement as a stage of preparation, not the actual destination. It’s a time to lay the foundation for which a marriage will be built. At any point during this stage, the man or woman is free to walk away. Walking away is hard to do with thousands of dollars shining on your ring finger, though. Calling off a wedding is hard to do after your big engagement party, that pre-wedding wedding essentially.
Where does this severity surrounding engagement come from? I argue it comes from our society’s tendency to make sure something is fully worth committing to before making any sort of commitment. We tend to tiptoe around a pool until we have every assurance that diving in won’t hurt us. Once we’ve analyzed every crevice, we eventually do go all in. Absolutely all in. Consequently, we assume it’s just logistics and planning for the big day after engagement. We assume it’s just a waiting game once we spend thousands of dollars on that flashy diamond ring. Goodness, that ring...
What if the wedding ring is meant to be worth more than the engagement ring?
Did you know that the average engagement ring in America is over $6,000? In many states, that’s a down payment on a house! And we’re spending that kind of money on engagement rings! Did you know that diamonds actually aren’t in low supply? That their supply is actually controlled by companies in order to manipulate the prices? That it wasn’t until the 1930’s, after a brilliant marketing campaign by De Beers, that diamonds became commonplace for engagement rings? That diamond rings haven’t even been the norm for a hundred years?
When we think about the cost differential between the engagement ring and the actual wedding ring, it should be enough to question what we are valuing. What are we saying with these outward symbols we wear in public? What are we actually announcing to the world? Everything tells a story. The wedding ring is ultimately meant to be a sign of love and fidelity freely given between a man and a woman. So why the grandiosity? What do these things actually say about what we believe and who we are?
What if a wedding doesn’t have to break the bank?
The average American wedding costs anywhere from $20,000-$30,000. Ok, now that could be a down payment on a home. That could be a year or two—or maybe all—of college tuition for a child. That could be a whole bunch of things. So why a wedding?
Back in 2014, Pope Francis addressed engaged couples, saying ”It is good that your wedding be simple and make what is truly important stand out. Some are more concerned with the exterior details, with the banquet, the photographs, the clothes, the flowers…These are important for a celebration, but only if they point to the real reason for your joy: the Lord's blessing on your love.”
I’ve thrown parties that would easily draw a hundred people. They would only cost me a couple of hundred dollars. If that. To get people together doesn’t have to cost an egregious amount of money, so why do we go to such great lengths for our weddings? Are steak and lobster really necessary for a guest to feel appreciated and loved? Does the reception venue make the sacrament any more or less valid? Does that floral cutlery actually make your wedding more memorable, or is it just a way to set your wedding apart from your friend’s wedding?
Ok, ok. I’m getting a little pointed. I’m just trying to understand what we’re actually, truly valuing here. Are our hearts really, truly in the right place when it comes to these things?
What if we don't need to have all our ducks in a row before getting married?
The traditional wedding vows state, “I, (name), take you, (name), for my lawful wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.” Notice how they don’t state, “I, (name), take you, (name), for my lawful wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for richer, and in health, until death do us part.” Marriage is meant to be a commitment through it all.
“But kids cost money.” “But I’m not settled in my career.” “But my friends aren’t getting married yet.” Americans are increasingly getting older by the time they get married. This is part in due to the amount of time it takes us to make up our minds and commit, as I’ve already discussed. However, this is also in part because we feel a need to have all our ducks in a row in order to commit.
Jesus never promised us security and comfort. America did, but our Savior did not.
In fact, He promised us just the opposite. So expecting such things to line up for us ought to beg the same question: Where is our heart? What are we actually valuing here?
Today, we often wait to succeed in life and then do marriage together. But what if we are meant to succeed in marriage and then do life together? Obviously that doesn’t happen for everyone. Life is much trickier for a lot of us, which makes it even more sad when people refuse matrimony in order to commit to climbing a career.
Marriage is an adventure. It’s beautiful. It’s challenging. It’s about walking with someone to grow in holiness and sanctity. Our society doesn’t look at it like this, though, so we’re constantly fed extraneous fat. We can easily get caught up in these excesses if we don't ever stop to ask ourselves “Why?” and see what our hearts are actually holding onto.
