Weddings Are for Hospitality

Planning a wedding can be one of the most stressful events of your life.

There’s so much to think about and so many people to please in the process. For many of us, wedding planning is an expensive and exhaustive hoop to jump through on our way to wedded bliss.

But it doesn’t have to be that way! Too often, wedding planning becomes so exhausting and so expensive because we come at it from a consumeristic mentality. We’ve become so comfortable with the burdens and expectations of wedding planning that we forget the opportunities it offers.

The best way to enjoy planning your wedding and have an event you are proud to look back on is to look at the wedding as your first opportunity to be hospitable as a married couple. For my husband and I, planning our wedding was our first chance to welcome guests into our new domestic church. With that in mind, we attempted to buck mainstream wedding culture and reclaim some of the aspects of a traditional, village wedding.

In some ways, we succeeded perfectly at hosting a casual, welcoming, old-world inspired wedding. In fact, many of our guests still say it was the best wedding they’ve ever attended! But not everything went perfectly, looking back, there are a few changes I’d make to my own attitude and expectations.

Be intentionally hospitable.

Everyone’s style and inspirations are different. You’re planning a very personal and significant event, so of course, your wedding will be unique. Don’t worry, and don’t expect your wedding to look exactly like anyone else's.

At the same time, have some overall expectations. Divide the event into two distinct categories: the wedding ceremony and the reception.

Keep the ceremony sacred.

Whether you’re having a full wedding Mass or a simple vow ceremony, resist the urge to make a show out of your ceremony. You don’t need to create jobs for sisters, brothers, cousins, and friends within the ceremony.

If a family member is a trained altar boy, lector, or cantor, there’s nothing wrong with asking him to serve at your wedding. But asking untrained family members and friends to jump into a new role in front of a crowd is stressful and unnecessary. Most of the time, your guests are happier when they’re allowed to remain guests.

Keep the focus of the ceremony on Christ, not you and your spouse, and avoid distracting from this sacred time by filling it with personal touches. Save your unique flair for the reception!

Not only does this take away at least a third of the planning pressure from you, it also provides an opportunity for you and your spouse to immerse yourselves in the Sacrament.

Focus on the food.

Weddings are unfortunately famous for bland, overcooked pasta and insipid salads. It’s always refreshing to attend a wedding where good food is a priority. For our wedding, my husband and I skipped the caterer altogether and made our own food. There were leftovers for days, and our guests got to enjoy homemade pierogis, breads, and seasonal salads.

While not everyone can make their own wedding feast, good food is essential. Choose quality over quantity and host an appetizer bar or a casual, potluck rather than a poorly catered extravaganza.

Don’t allow well-meaning friends to insist on including foods you’d never eat, just for crowd appeal. If you and your spouse don’t eat meat, drink soda or alcohol, or even like cake, you can create a menu that reflects your personal hospitality. Good food is not the same as expected food; so don’t be afraid to introduce your guests to some of your favorite dishes, no matter how surprising they might be.

Host your wedding.

Instead of looking at your wedding as a celebration of you as a couple, look at as an opportunity to share your joy with family and friends. Greet your guests, serve your guests, and make sure they feel welcome and wanted at your reception.

Don’t settle for the conventional show pieces of a reception. Dancing with your parents, announcing prominent guests, and tossing the bouquet can be fun, but nothing compares with intentionally hosting your guests. Bring plates of food to busy parents or elderly relatives and really shower love on those who love you.

Remember that these people came to celebrate your Sacrament. They’re here for you, be present for them as well. One of my biggest joys at my reception came from handing slices of cake to our priest and other guests and helpers.

Don’t try to do too much!

While I’m incredibly proud of my beautiful wedding, there are definitely things that I would change. Looking back now, I realize that I failed to say ‘no’ to many extra distractions as I pursued a simple, hospitable wedding.

Keep careful watch of your own emotional state. If you’re starting to put off certain tasks because they’re just too stressful, revisit your priorities and delegate those tasks when you can.

I’m forever grateful to my mother for making my wedding veil, and my maid of honor for convincing me to take a break and disappear for a day. Choosing to hand over some of the work will keep your heart and mind in the right place as you prepare for the big day.

Don’t allow the great to-do list of wedding planning to overwhelm you. Focus your energy on providing a joy-filled gathering and the rest will take care of itself.

If I could do it over again, quite a few of my pressing tasks would have been handed over to willing helpers. As you plan your own wedding, remember to embrace simplicity and imperfection in your own heart, and relax. Your wedding will be beautiful even without all the frills.