Want Kids But Haven't Found the One?

You may be wondering why a childless twenty-three-year-old is writing an article on having kids.

Although I haven’t birthed a child, I like to think I know something about parenting. You see, my family does foster care. Recently we spent a year working with a set of toddlers who were abused in every way imaginable. Alongside my parents, my siblings and I dealt with their violent attacks, taught them to eat, pulled continual overnight shifts, helped them learn to speak, and essentially kept them from destroying the house and each other. This left us with next to no time for normal things like friends and fun. None of us siblings had a spouse, and none of us were even called “mommy” or “daddy” by these kids. Ipso facto, we weren’t parents, right?

Since you’re reading this article on a Catholic dating site, I can presume that you feel called to marriage and family. But maybe, as the years pass, you begin to despair because you haven’t met “the one.” You grieve your youth and the opportunity to have a child. You wonder if five kids is a fantasy because you might never marry. Maybe you’ve dedicated yourself to the single life, but still feel called to parent somehow.

But the real question is, can you ever really be a mother or father without having your own children?

Yes. Absolutely.

First off, we have to realize children are not commodities. Not one of us on this earth has the “right” to a child, married or not. It’s beautiful to be the stewards of new life, yes. But sometimes, the desire have a holy family can turn into the idea that we deserve children or can achieve them. This can turn dating into a spouse-hunt and fertility into a force. Remember, parenthood is a gift, NOT a goal.

With that in mind, start thinking about ways to serve children now. You don’t have to be married or give birth for this!

First, consider spiritual parenthood.

Don’t know where to start? There’s almost always a day care center or an after school program in each town. Sign up to volunteer—regularly. As any parent would tell you, showing up consistently is half the battle. Kids in the neighborhood? Babysit so their parents can have a date night. You’ll serve the children and support a local marriage at the same time. Do you have nieces or nephews? Visit, help them with homework, or do laundry or cook with them. Join a big-brother or big-sister program to support kids from single-parent households.

If you’re serious about looking for a deeper and more permanent way to serve, look into at-risk-youth centers, respite care, or foster care. This is often where children most in need are found. All of these experiences are good ways to pour your gifts into mentoring the young. Spiritual parenthood, everybody.

Second, consider this as a time of discernment.

You can also take your experiences and use them as a tool of discernment. You can go into marriage and parenting blind, but you don't have to.

I’ve known plenty of couples who think as soon as they get married, they want eight kids in that many years. These same people often assume visiting a newborn in the hospital or waving to toddlers in passing shopping carts has prepared them for having children.

Spoiler alert: it doesn’t. These new couples are often surprised by the constant baby care, the sacrificed social life, the tantrums in church, or their sudden inability to shower on a daily basis. Parenting is hard, I agree—it’s even harder if you sign up for it clueless. By spending time with children now, you will quickly learn what it takes to mentor the young, as well as become aware of your own skill sets. You’re ahead of the game, and your future self and future spouse will thank you.

And if these experiences reveal some uncertainty or insecurity about having kids, don't think it suddenly means you aren't called to parenthood!

But WAIT, you might shout. What if you find that kids are stressful, or that you don’t feel competent, or that it’s a lot harder than you thought? Does that mean you should never get married? Give up on your dream of a big busy family?

Remember that you are learning the reality of life with children. It’s going to be stressful, and you’re going to doubt yourself. It can also bring you more joy than you can imagine. Pat yourself on the back, because the experience you’re garnering now can help you shape expectations about the future.

Maybe you’re sick, like me, and have learned that you can’t handle six kids right off the bat. Maybe you’re past the age of childbearing, but want to parent through foster care or volunteering. Maybe you find you really are prepared for the twelve kids you want!

Whatever way you look at it, spending time with children is a win. You don’t need a spouse and perfect fertility to give the gift of parenthood. Look around you. Find children in need, and love them. Remember, we are all called to provide God's love as mothers or fathers in some way. You can start now.