Marriage & Children, Not for the Faint of Heart

Editor’s Note: In preparation for the World Meeting of Families (WMOF) in September, CatholicMatch Institute is excited to present a series from the USCCB Secretariat of Laity, Marriage, Family Life and Youth. Each post will offer reflections from the preparatory catechesis Love is Our Mission: The Family Fully Alive. I will be co-presenting at the WMOF with CatholicMatch CEO and co-founder, Brian Barcaro and CatholicMatch Institute contributor, Danielle Bean! We’ll be presenting on the topic, “Where is This Relationship Going? Dating as Discernment.” In this seventh post in the series we will take a look at the fifth chapter of the catechesis, Creating the Future. Read the entire series here.

“Parenting is demanding” (no. 79). I don’t know anyone who would disagree with this statement. In fact a typical response, even from an adolescent, would be, “No kidding!” As a parent (father), of many children, the word “demanding” often seems like an understatement. Parenting is not for the faint of heart, nor is marriage. Marriage and children are great gifts, and can bring untold joy, yet they do not come without their challenges. St. Francis de Sales wrote: “The state of marriage is one that requires more virtue and constancy than any other: it is a perpetual exercise of mortification.” Of course I do not want to dissuade anyone from getting married and having children, but I think it is good to be aware before going into it.

Before you get married, you should humbly recognize that you and your future spouse cannot make marriage work all on our own, but instead see that “with God all things are possible” (Matthew 19:26). Christian marriage and family life is about being open to “God’s grace in daily life … even in the midst of fatigue and domestic chaos” (no. 79). It is indeed in those very moments, of the ordinary, mundane, little, and the seemingly insignificant circumstances of life, that we as parents are able to experience “divine love” in a way that is unparalleled.

My wife and I had two children, and greatly desired another. After several months of trying, we were elated with the wonderful news that my wife was pregnant. This elation was soon replaced with intense anxiety from numerous threats of miscarriage. My wife was put on bed rest for the first three months because that seemed to be the only way to maintain the pregnancy. It was a stressful time for me, balancing care for her and our two young boys, keeping the house relatively clean, and working full time.

But all of this became grace-filled. Those months, and others like them, served as a constant reminder to me and my wife that, as St. Paul taught, “When I am weak, then I am strong” (2 Corinthians 12:10). I found myself often meditating on the preceding verse, “My grace is sufficient, my power is made perfect in weakness” (2 Corinthians 12:9). I knew that I could not do it on my own. As an imperfect parent I certainly “need help and strength from God, family, parish, and friends” (no. 80). My wife and I received this aid through great outpourings in the least expected ways, from meals to babysitting to—my favorite—friends who cleaned our home for us. These memories are treasures we share with our children and hope they pass on to theirs. How will you allow your domestic routine and life be “places were the Spirit shines through” (no. 80)?

Eventually my wife was taken off bed rest, the pregnancy progressed nicely and we were blessed with the birth of our third son—who had to be induced, somewhat ironically, two weeks past his due date.

"Parenting is demanding" is a true statement. One of the most important tasks of parents is to make sure your children have a relationship with God. How can parents foster this in their family?

Like the instruction the flight attendants on an airplane always give if the oxygen mask deploys: put yours on first before assisting your child. We, as parents, need to make sure that we are receptive to grace first and then tend to our kids. We should model a relationship with God by having a strong prayer life as well as seeking the virtues. Talk to your children about your relationship with God and suggest ways they can develop theirs. Be sure to offer them plenty of opportunities, small and large, to encounter the Lord themselves, whether that is by taking them to adoration or finding a parish with a strong youth ministry program, etc.

How do parents teach their children how to discern their own vocations?

One way to help your children discern their vocation or calling in life from God is to speak about the idea often. Teach them to ask God with an open heart and mind what His will or plan is for their life. Remind them that patience may be necessary. Share your own vocation story and those of other people they know who represent a variety of callings—if you don’t have a personal relationship with any priests or religious, try to work on that so that your children will get to experience them as normal, happy people. Helping your children develop a personal prayer life is key and perhaps, as they age, suggesting a spiritual director and/or other mentors.

How does the family and parish depend upon each other in forming disciples of Christ?

The parish and family ought to work together to offer encounters with Jesus and encouragement to follow Him. The primary activity of the local Church is to worship God through prayer and the sacraments. Similarly, the primary activity of the family, as the domestic church, should also be prayer. It should be a central and indispensable part of daily family life. Grace before meals, morning and evening prayers, the family Rosary, and reading the lives of the saints are all good ways to do this. Every family is different, so find what works for you and your children.

Action Items

• Parents: remind yourselves of the grace of the sacrament of marriage. It is that grace that will help you educate your children in the faith.
• Pray daily as individuals, as husband and wife and as a family. Keep it simple. Be consistent.
• Intercede for your children daily, by name, and invoke the aid of the saints, especially St. Joseph.